Happy Birthday Laura!

Dear Laura,

You're getting old. You know it and as your older sister, no one knows it better than me. I wish I could remember the day mom brought you home from the hospital, but I don't. Mom and Dad like to pretend that at 2-years-old, I was too young to remember, but we both know the truth.

I hated you.

I mean, let's face it. From day one you were a blonder, skinnier, higher maintenance version of ME. Talk about stealing a girl's thunder.

And don't even get me started about Stacey popping out a mere 3-years later.

The point is, I've never fully gotten over losing my prized position as an only child. Some might say that's reflected in my, *ahem*, strong personality. But something strange has happened over the years. I started to realize that other people are WAY more annoying than my blood relatives. Sure, you stuck your fat foot through my carefully constructed popsicle stick house on purpose, you ripped the ear off my Pound Puppy Coco, you stole my favorite pink sweatshirt with a large cartoon cat printed on the front, but you also worshiped the ground that I walked on.

In spite of the fact that you and Stacey thought I was the best thing since Debbie Gibson, I spent the bulk of my formative years feeling bitter that you two were so much more talented than me. Until finally I realized that as the God like oldest sister, I was wasting my time (and far lesser talents) on bitterness. Bitterness is for losers. Smart oldest sisters USE their more talented sisters to catapult them to greatness.

Remember how you supposedly had the idea to write young adult novels together? I spent years planting those seeds. YEARS. I knew I had to be a writer and I also knew there was no way I was ever going to be able to go it alone.

Sucker.

Anyway, being the benevolent older sister, I've gone and gotten you something AMAZING this year. That's right, I contacted the folks at Publisher's Weekly and graciously instructed them to put your name first when they mentioned The Lies That Bind in their Fall 2012 Sneak Previews.

Happy birthday, my slave.

XOXO,
Lisa

P.S.

If this picture had sound you would be able to hear me whisper, "I own you," into Laura's ear.

P.P.S.
At night when we were supposed to be sleeping in our bedroom I'd make Laura put on that exact outfit and I'd call her Patrick because I wanted a little brother. And then I'd force her to make a human bridge between our twin beds so I could literally walk all over her. Even from a young I age I understood that with great power comes great responsibility.

Consider My Ass Kicked

Stacey dragged me to a hot yoga class yesterday and I feel like I've been run over by Lindsay Lohan, only instead of a hefty lawsuit settlement I got a smoothie.

On top of that we're working on a synopsis for The Lies That Bind and synopisi (rhymes with octopi - both are vile) make me want to take my smoothie straw and slowly gouge my own eyes out.

So, yeah. That's my Friday.

Hope you guys have a fabulous weekend! Namaste, bitches.

Wha? Wednesday

This week brought to you by condescending Francophiles and whoever had the good sense to photoshop the President shooting actual rainbows on a unicorn. Wha?zzup Wednesday.

Tell The Truth Tuesday

1. My name is Lisa and I'm addicted to Zillow.

2. Also I'm feeling very crabby.

3. I'm taking a leave of absence from my housekeeping duties. Maybe permanently. Sadly, I haven't found a suitable replacement. My 6-year-old can't wash floors for crap.

4. The fact that it's Valentine's Day is only making me more crabby.

5. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for over two weeks. I'm pretty sure I have a plague of some sort. Have I mentioned I'm feeling crabby?

6. I was thinking about making my husband's favorite dinner tonight, but instead I'm making MINE. Pasta with sun dried tomatoes, basil in a garlic white wine sauce. And yes, I will be finishing off the bottle of white wine all by myself after everyone is in bed in my filthy house while logged into Zillow. Suck on that February.

Celebstalking by LiLa

OK, so Madge totally rocked the Superbowl. Well, as long as you ignored the fact that the top half of her face was completely immobile. Bitch had some SERIOUS crazy eyes. She's remarkably lithe for a 60-year-old woman, but good lord, WHAT is going on with her arm pits? Is that where she injects the blood of virgins that gives her the bod of a tween on steroids?

 I'm nursing a mega girl crush on Zooey Deschanel. She's ADORABLE and she's pretty much the sole reason I have bangs. Also, The New Girl makes me laugh out loud every single week. Love that show.

I've had a soft spot for Lindsay Price ever since she played a hard nosed reporter for the Beverly Beat/Steve Sanders's baby's mama. And then she was in the Lipstick Jungle or that other Sex in the City knockoff, I can't keep them straight anymore and I honestly think I was the only person who religiously watched both of those shows, and she dated Andrew McCarthy. I mean, how do you not like someone who dated Andrew McCarthy? And then Curtis Stone had that show where he'd find random people in the grocery store and then take them home and whip up a gourmet meal. I'd be lying if I said I didn't look for him every single time I walked into Whole Foods in spite of the fact that I'm sure I'd be publically humiliated by the state of my kitchen. So, that's a lot of backstory to explain the fact that I'm super happy they procreated. 

Um, Miley, I know you were young when Britney had her break down, but you should know that before she went and shaved her head and was spotted driving around with her 6-month old child on her lap, she walked around wearing outfits almost EXACTLY like this one. Just an FYI.

Happy Friday everyone!

Wha? Wednesday

And we're back with another riveting round of pins gone very, VERY wrong. This week on Pinterest features baby Seals, an awesome early 90's pic of Laura in a tapestry vest and the most unfortunately positioned hot dogs you could ever imagine.

Happy Hump Day!

P.S.
Comment with your Pinterest username if you'd like to be allowed to Pin randomness to the Wha? Wednesday boards. We're officially open to submissions!

Tell The Truth Tuesday

My eyes are burning because I'm exhausted. And no, I haven't been writing. I haven't been working. I haven't been awake with sick kids. Hell, I haven't even started another crazy home improvement project.

My truth this week is that I'm reading.

Oh, it's been too long since I've really lost myself in a book. It's so easy to get caught up in reading books that you're supposed to read. I've been having conversations like this with myself for months:

Lisa: You know, you really should pick up [INSERT BOOK TITLE HERE] that everyone's talking about.

Other Lisa: Or I could watch more Canadian house porn?

Lisa: The publisher sent you that book. They're expecting a review! Tick-tock!

Other Lisa: But did you see what the Property Brothers did to that dump? The one is a realtor and the other one works with his hands. He's got these highlights that shimmer in the Canadian sunlight.

Lisa: Everyone will hate you if you don't read THAT BOOK. Get off Pinterest and READ you stupid HGTV whore.

Other Lisa: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. There's a marathon of Love It Or List It starting. That poor British designer always gets screwed by wonky roofs. Can't miss it. *Cranks the Canadian accents up to full volume*

Lisa: *sobs*

But over the past couple of weeks I've turned off the HGTV and I've completely stopped feeling obligated to read anything. If I start a book and I'm not completely hooked by chapter 5, I'm done.

And just like that reading is my new guilty pleasure. I tore through Jonathan Tropper's THE BOOK OF JOE (absolutely freaking genius), I devoured Emma's final adventure (SURRENDER by the amazing Lee Nichols) and now I'm completely and utterly lost in Stephen King's 11/22/63.

I feel like a new person. I feel inspired. I feel like a writer. No, screw that, I feel like a reader. And you know what? It feels good.

Celebstalking by LiLa

 Presumably, Emma Roberts was paid to stand with this random smart phone for some type of product endorsement type deal. Sadly, she looks like she's holding proof of life in a terrorist camp. Guess you get what you pay for Expand.

This picture really makes me wonder if Selena Gomez has seen the cover of THE LIES THAT BIND....

Sweet fancy Moses, horizontal stripes while pregnant!?!? Really, Jess? REALLY?

Is it just me or are you all waiting for an episode of The Hills about how K. Cavs faked her pregnancy to land her man. Maybe that show wasn't scripted after all.

This picture of the Bieber with Michael Jackson's kids and it may or may not be the single most awkward photograph ever taken. Justin looks sort of like he's scared that Blanket is going to dangle him from a hotel balcony.

Happy Friday everyone!

Wha? Wednesday

We're going to assume that you're all on Pinterest. The reason we're going to assume this is because there was recently a THIS JUST IN! news story on one of the Cleveland news channels in regards to this groundbreaking community and if Cleveland news has gotten wind of Pinterest that's a pretty good indication that the website has officially jumped the shark.

It's no coincidence that immediately after this story ran, the 'everything' board has become a teensy, weensy bit saturated. We're talking LOL cats, creepy Jesus pics, questionable amateur photography, nasty recipe photos kind of saturated. Some of the pins we've been seeing make us laugh so hard we cry, so naturally we had to share them with all of you.

Buckle up for a few of our favorites from this week. Keep in mind that these are things actually pinned by actual members of the Pinterest community.

And without further ado we give you WHA? Wednesday.

Tell The Truth Tuesday

1. There's a slim chance that I cyberstalk the people who come to visit our house. I like to pretend that I'm doing it in the name of personal safety, but we all know that's a complete and utter lie. I'd happily sell my house to Voldemort if he offered asking price.

2. The house I've fallen in love with in such a desperate state of disrepair that if we end up buying it, I'll refuse to give the address to friends until after I've gutted the entire thing.

3. Ben has pink eye and I sort of love putting the drops in his eye. He looks so cute when he blinks in surprise.

4. I'm reading another adult book right now. If this trend continues I might start to actually (GASP) mature.

5. Laura has a new idea for a Wednesday blog feature that almost made me pee my pants. Stay tuned for WHA? Wednesday. The fun begins tomorrow.