Friday, April 6, 2012

Lisa vs. The Mouse (Part 1)

7:32 PM: I settle into the couch with my favorite blanket and a cup of hot chocolate after a long day waiting on my husband hand and foot. Yeah, he had outpatient surgery, but the whole nurse maid thing does not come naturally to me and I was freaking tired.

7:34 PM: Strange rustling noises are coming from the kitchen.

7:35 PM: "Ken?" I thought maybe my patient was digging around for percocet or something, but there was no response. My senses went on high alert.

7:36 PM: More rustling. My knees went weak. I knew in my heart that something was in my kitchen but did I really want to know what it was? No. I really, really didn't. But I had to know. You know that dumb ass girl in the horror movies who actually goes down the basement to investigate that creepy moaning noise? Yeah, that was me.

7:37 PM: I crept toward the kitchen. Well, I crept as well as anyone can in hot pink Ugg slippers. They are so tacky and yet so warm.

7:38 PM: I stood completely still on the kitchen step. Waiting for the noise to come back.

7:39 PM: Still standing.

7:40 PM: Whew, I must just be hearing things or....OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! THERE'S A $%*(*#* MOUSE ON MY COUNTER! I screamed and ran upstairs.

7:41 PM: A conversation with my husband who's currently high on painkillers and deaf in one ear:

Lisa: KEN! MOUSE! KITCHEN! COME QUICK!
Ken: Blaergh?
Lisa: MOUSE! You have to get it! Hurry!
Ken: Argh?
Lisa: MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ken: Get like a box or something. You'll be fine. Garghs. *passes out*

7:43 PM: Clearly my husband wasn't a viable option. So I do what every self actualized woman does in the face of rodents. I started googling.

7:44 PM: Found this and felt vaguely better. I mean, I'm clean. My house is up for sale and I literally get on my hands and knees and scrub down my kitchen every single night. WTF mouse? The one time I leave some dishes in the sink because I've had a really long day you just decide to show up and mock me? DAMN YOU.

7:45 PM: Found this and was slightly comforted by the fact that mice are actually a tiny bit cute. Still nasty and gross, but cute.

7:46 PM: Sent SOS texts to both Laura and Stacey who are out of town for the weekend.

Lisa: MOUSE! I HAVE A MOUSE!
Laura: Oh no! I'm sure it's just one mouse. It's super cold.
Lisa: You really think?
Laura: No, I'm always wrong. Just buy a humane trap.
Lisa: Hell no. This little bitch needs to die. (See how quickly I forgot the cute factor? Yeah. Over it.)

Lisa: STACEY! HELP! MOUSE! $%*(*^ MOUSE!
Stacey: Honestly, I'd rather have a mouse than a centipede.
Lisa: ....

I mean how does one respond to a mouse/centipede comparison? It's like telling someone there's a serial killer in your house and having them text you back and say, well, at least it's not a ghost.

And so, first thing tomorrow the great mouse hunt begins. I'm going to kill that little $%*^($%.

Happy Easter! Happy Passover!

6 comments:

Laura Pauling said...

I feel for you I do. And I hate to tell you but there is hardly ever just one mouse. :) Traps with peanutbutter work pretty good.

Good luck! And they're not really that cute.

Anonymous said...

Catch the fricking mouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

side note: I am crying, I am laughing so hard at you and Stacey....okay, I gotta get back to work

Rebekkah Ford said...

You're funny, Lisa. I hope you catch the mouse. Maybe you should get a cat.

Christi said...

Good luck on your quest. I second the peanut butter on the trap. We had some evidence of a mouse at work but never actually saw it. My boss put down a humane trap...it looks like a mailbox. Literally, when the red flag is up, that means you've caught a mouse. I don't think it's a very human method, though, if you forget to check the flag and the thing slowly starves to death in a mouse-sized mailbox. I'm just saying. (We haven't seen our invader, so I don't know for sure.)

Anyway, good luck!!!

Elana Johnson said...

LOL! I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I am. This is hilarious. Hope Ken gets better fast, and that you find that mouse!

Little Ms J said...

I love the mouse v. centipede comparison. That's awesome.

Good luck with your mouse. Use peanut butter and squish his dirty little neck!