Here's a little Christmas gift timeline for you.
- 1995 - This is the first Christmas we were dating and I was 16-years-old. I got a HUGE bottle of Eternity perfume and a plaid Gap button down. Size Men's Large. Yeah, just for the record, I'm 5'3. The sad reality is that this actually one of his better Christmas gifts. I actually liked the perfume and let's face it, the grunge look was totally in, so a ginourmous shirt wasn't that horrible. Although I think I might actually have returned it. It was THAT big.
- 1996 - An opal ring. At the time I totally loved this gift. Opal was my birthstone and he got me one of those cheesy rings from Alvin's Jewelers in 14K gold with some itty-bitty diamonds on the side. In my 17-year-old mind it was the epitome of style and class. Unfortunately my tastes have evolved over the years and I just had my mom liquidate the thing at one of those gold parties where they pay you for your old gold jewelry. Yeah, I'm not exactly the sentimental type and I made $189! Of course that included the opal earrings he got me too. And the heinous heart shaped diamond necklace. In my defense, I saved the bracelet, ok?
- 1997 - Now this is the year things really started to go downhill. I'll never forget Ken coming over on Christmas morning with a huge garment bag with the words "Petite Sophisticate" emblazoned across it. I remember thinking, well at least he's realized I'm a small person and then I opened it. "It" was a pair of brown corduroy pants, completely tapered at the ankle, yet loose through the hips and thighs. I think they used to call this a relaxed fit back in the day. They looked a little bit like textured, brown, Hammer pants and they were practically guaranteed to add about 20 pounds. Sexy! There was also a matching corduroy, brown blazer that hit at about mid-thigh, last seen in the closets of substitute teachers across the country. To top off this dung-colored ensemble, he had purchased an over-sized brown, striped, button down shirt and a pair of matching brown socks. After Ken left I tried the whole outfit on for the fam and Laura and Stacey almost peed their pants.
- 1998 - 2005 - These years are all sort of a blur. I think there was a cashmere sweater somewhere in there that I actually liked. Oh and who could forget the cooking lessons! That was the first year we were married. My husband gave me cooking lessons for Christmas, ouch.
- 2005 - This was Jack's first Christmas, so my first official Christmas as a mom, and what do I find under the tree? A Victoria's Secret, hot pink, velour sweat suit with the word "Sexy" emblazoned across the butt in rhinestones. Can't you just picture me showing up at playgroup in that get-up? Hilarious. TGFGR. (Thank God For Gift Receipts)
- 2006 - A cashmere poncho. Fuschia. Returned at Nordstrom's the very next day.
- 2007 - Umm..can't remember. But I'm sure I returned it. He got me a barn jacket for my 30th birthday, so that should give you an indication of what his gift must have been like. Not good.
- 2008 - TBD. I can't wait to see what he comes up with this year. If I was picking out my own gift there would be one of these or maybe these and if I was really lucky one of THESE underneath my Christmas Tree. But I know Ken, and I'm not holding my breath.
The truth is holidays are actually more fun this way. I never know what I'm going to unwrap Christmas morning, and you know what? That's just the way I like it.