Last night I was oh-so-innocently watching the Biggest Loser Finale, (For the record, I only watch the last episode. It's like one really long and very dramatic episode of What Not to Wear, who can resist?) and simultaneously doing some mindless work in Excel. I was only half watching as the episode ended, and suddenly the air waves were taken over by blonde bimbos discussing the distracting qualities of their breasts and mothers with some sort of reverse oedipal complex (I'd call it pedophilia, but that seems a little harsh). Naturally, my spreadsheet was completely forgotten and I was totally sucked in by the absolutely mesmerizing trash that is "Momma's Boys."
I'm really not even sure where to begin. The premise of the show is that 3 boys and their overly attached mothers live with 32 single girls in an attempt to set the boys up with the girl of mommy's dreams. The reality is heinously disturbing yet hilariously watchable. 50% of the girls are every mom's wet dream, while the other half are basically porn stars. It's awesome.
- Meet America's new sweetheart, Megan. She is this cute little wallflower with ginourmous glasses who works at an animal shelter and doesn't spend as much time with humans as she should. She's a virgin and she spent the bulk of the first episode cleaning up after the rest of her hades bound housemates. Love her.
- Uh..not sure what this chick's name is, so let's just call her seizure girl. She has a strange passion for lingerie and she's some type of signer/model. She actually writes her own songs and composed a little ditty on the spot for the camera and as she sang she looked like she was having a seizure (hence the name...). Actually, the truth is there were lots of times she looked like she was seizing....singing, crying (yeah, she already cried in the first episode), laughing and even just in general conversation. I think she might be on some type of herbal speed.
- One mother admitted to calling her son on her cell phone over 100 times. Wow. The only mom admission that was more shocking, was the racist mom who told the cameras that she wants her son to settle down with a nice white girl. No Blacks, Jews, or Asians need apply. Yowsa.
- One contestant admitted to spending time in jail, but don't worry, she was a non-violent offender. Phew! P.S. Note to Oprah, these people are supposedly living right down the street from you. Might be time to do some security upgrades, kay?
- In one of the scariest interviews of the night, one of the non-hot contestants wondered if the momma's boys had any balls, as she herself has "cantaloupe-sized, stainless-steel balls, metaphorically speaking." Guess you have to at least give her points for not only knowing the word metaphorically, but also being able to use it accurately in a sentence. Well-played scary, feminist girl.
- And then we've got Michelle, a career spokes model with two boobjobs under her belt. She paid for the second one using her student loan money. Smart!
- And the Thank-God for the Instant Replay Button on my TiVo Remote award goes to one of the contestants who claims she's 21, but then gets all teary eyed talking about her 10-year-old son. WHAT? Is she really bad at basic math or did she actually have a child at 11? Honestly, not sure which is worse. I replayed this moment no less than 10 times just to make sure I heard her right. Shocking.
The episode ended with racist mom being accosted by one of the black contestants. It really is unbelievable that there are people who still feel this way in this day and age, I mean we're going to have a black president in a month for god's sake!
Regardless, lots of drama, lots of unintentional comedy, Momma's Boys already earned itself a season pass from yours truly. Do yourself a favor and tune in.