Thursday, December 11, 2008

All I want for Christmas...

So, those of you who know me, know that my dear husband has a horrible track record when it comes to giving gifts. His heart is always in the right place and he really does try to pick out things he thinks I'll like, but it's inevitably all wrong.

Here's a little Christmas gift timeline for you.
  • 1995 - This is the first Christmas we were dating and I was 16-years-old. I got a HUGE bottle of Eternity perfume and a plaid Gap button down. Size Men's Large. Yeah, just for the record, I'm 5'3. The sad reality is that this actually one of his better Christmas gifts. I actually liked the perfume and let's face it, the grunge look was totally in, so a ginourmous shirt wasn't that horrible. Although I think I might actually have returned it. It was THAT big.
  • 1996 - An opal ring. At the time I totally loved this gift. Opal was my birthstone and he got me one of those cheesy rings from Alvin's Jewelers in 14K gold with some itty-bitty diamonds on the side. In my 17-year-old mind it was the epitome of style and class. Unfortunately my tastes have evolved over the years and I just had my mom liquidate the thing at one of those gold parties where they pay you for your old gold jewelry. Yeah, I'm not exactly the sentimental type and I made $189! Of course that included the opal earrings he got me too. And the heinous heart shaped diamond necklace. In my defense, I saved the bracelet, ok?
  • 1997 - Now this is the year things really started to go downhill. I'll never forget Ken coming over on Christmas morning with a huge garment bag with the words "Petite Sophisticate" emblazoned across it. I remember thinking, well at least he's realized I'm a small person and then I opened it. "It" was a pair of brown corduroy pants, completely tapered at the ankle, yet loose through the hips and thighs. I think they used to call this a relaxed fit back in the day. They looked a little bit like textured, brown, Hammer pants and they were practically guaranteed to add about 20 pounds. Sexy! There was also a matching corduroy, brown blazer that hit at about mid-thigh, last seen in the closets of substitute teachers across the country. To top off this dung-colored ensemble, he had purchased an over-sized brown, striped, button down shirt and a pair of matching brown socks. After Ken left I tried the whole outfit on for the fam and Laura and Stacey almost peed their pants.
  • 1998 - 2005 - These years are all sort of a blur. I think there was a cashmere sweater somewhere in there that I actually liked. Oh and who could forget the cooking lessons! That was the first year we were married. My husband gave me cooking lessons for Christmas, ouch.
  • 2005 - This was Jack's first Christmas, so my first official Christmas as a mom, and what do I find under the tree? A Victoria's Secret, hot pink, velour sweat suit with the word "Sexy" emblazoned across the butt in rhinestones. Can't you just picture me showing up at playgroup in that get-up? Hilarious. TGFGR. (Thank God For Gift Receipts)
  • 2006 - A cashmere poncho. Fuschia. Returned at Nordstrom's the very next day.
  • 2007 - Umm..can't remember. But I'm sure I returned it. He got me a barn jacket for my 30th birthday, so that should give you an indication of what his gift must have been like. Not good.
  • 2008 - TBD. I can't wait to see what he comes up with this year. If I was picking out my own gift there would be one of these or maybe these and if I was really lucky one of THESE underneath my Christmas Tree. But I know Ken, and I'm not holding my breath.

The truth is holidays are actually more fun this way. I never know what I'm going to unwrap Christmas morning, and you know what? That's just the way I like it.


casiecook said...

That was classic. Thanks for the lunch entertainment. I'm still laughing at "Petite Sophisticate."

Lisa said...

So glad my horrible gifts at least made you laugh. I'll be sure to update you on what's lurking underneath the tree...thank god Ken doesn't read the blog.

Sarah said...

I'm about to pee in my pants just from reading this!

Sarah said...

I have to share the thought process I had while I was I was walking home from the gym last night. I passed a girl wearing a "vintage" Cleveland Brown's t-shirt. Per usual reaction, I thought “she’s probably from Ohio; maybe I know her!” I thought better of it and “realistically” lowered my expectations, “Oh that’s silly, I probably don’t know her. But if she’s from the Cleveland area, maybe she’s from Solan? She might even know the ‘Roecker’ sisters. She looked kind of young, so she was probably in Stacey’s class.” (Seriously, I thought that.) This internal conversation led to me picturing Lisa modeling the outfit from Petite Sophisticate and I started CRACKING UP. This lasted for about a block. I’m sure the other pedestrians thought I was on drugs. Hell, maybe I should be. Or maybe you’re hilarious and I can’t help myself. Thanks for brightening my evening!

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