Friday, July 31, 2009

Everything you've ever wanted to know about...US

Yeah, we know we talk about ourselves way too much, but it's our blog dammit. And we're entertaining. Well, some of the time anyways.

For those of you who are just dying to know more about us (anyone? anyone? Bueller?), please check out our interview over at Book Faire. Danyelle was nice enough to invite us to be interviewed in spite of the fact that we're still *ahem* pre-published.

Thanks again, Danyelle! As a regular reader of our blog I'm sure you're well aware that we never tire of talking about ourselves, so we had a blast answering your questions.

Freaky Friday...

We've had such a good week this week! I almost don't want it to end.

1. We got some seriously amazing feedback on the WIP and got to know one of our writing friends a whole lot better. Have you guys ever spoken on the phone with one of your beta readers? I had the pleasure of doing that yesterday and it was pretty incredible. I'll admit, I was a little scared to talk on the phone with someone who I'd only interacted with via e-mail. Isn't it crazy how the internet has made phone calls so personal? Anyways, we ended up talking for almost an hour about her thoughts on our WIP, writing, publishing and life in general. We not only ended up with some fantastic edits for the WIP, we also have a new friend. Love that!

2. Major Agent is back in town, and is more major than ever. There's something so exciting about seeing an e-mail from her pop up in our inbox every day. We just feel really lucky to be working with someone who is so hands on and available to help us with our writing and our careers. 

3. Our electricity is back on, our house didn't burn down and I'm only out $100. Now that, my friends, is a happy ending. All of your good vibes definitely worked. Thank you so much! Ooh, and I'm happy to see that ya'll (do you love that I'm channeling the Plot This girls? I'm hoping that if I start using y'all and lawsy in my posts that I'll make the cut for Southern Belle Bootcamp...) hate silverfish as much as I do. Spiders are gross, but silverfish really are the devil. Nothing gives me the heebie jeebies like those big ass bugs. Gross. 

4. I'm having another baby! Well, for the night anyways. I'm on babysitting duty for Stacey, our artistic sister who hates all things literary but gives us Kindles, and 4-month-old Will is going to be chilling at our house for a couple of days. 

This resulted in a classic sisterly conversation:

Lisa: So, what's Will schedule like?
Stacey: Schedule?
Lisa: Yeah, you know, how often does he eat, what time does he nap?
Stacey: Well, he sleeps all night. So that's super easy for you.
Lisa: Great! What about during the day.
Stacey: *breathing*
Lisa: Stace?
Stacey: Why don't you figure out his schedule and then tell me what works when I pick him up, ok?

Can you tell which one of us is the anal, bossy, annoying sister? Wait, don't answer that.

5. Google searches of the week include: Electrical fires and deep seats jumpsuits. I don't even know what a deep seat jumpsuit is, but I'm pretty excited people are finding our blog when they're looking for one.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

It's electric...

Well, something must be in the air over here. Things are happening. Things like the electricity in the entire upstairs of my house blowing out. 

Here's a little timeline for you:

9:01 PM - Getting ready to hit the sack (theoretically).

12:45 AM - The time I actually peel myself away from The Demon's Lexicon to head upstairs.

12:46 AM - Turn on hall light, huge flash of electricity instead of normal light. Ruh-roh.

12:46 AM - Panic a little, (Yup, I'm a mystery writer, slasher award winner who's completely terrified of the dark.) and race up the stairs to turn on bathroom light. No dice.

12:48 AM - In a moment of unprecedented bravery I attempt to brave the basement solo to inspect the fuse box. Saw this this skitter across the floor and high tailed it back upstairs. Yeah, scared of the dark AND bugs. I'd be the worst contestant on Fear Factor ever.

12:48 AM - Assess my options. 
a) Do nothing and sleep in a house that may burn to the ground before morning. 
b) Wake husband who won't actually be able to fix anything (he's missing that man gene) but will be able to do an insect check before I hit the back room. 
c) Refresh my e-mail and check StatCounter.

12:49 AM - Complete option c and proceed to option b.

12:52 AM - Unable to make any progress with fuse box.

1:01 AM - Finally give up and head upstairs. 

1:02 AM - Try not to think of the Bloody Mary game while I'm brushing my teeth and washing my face in the dark.

1:05 AM - 6:03 AM - Very restless sleep. Dream of electrical wires sparking, fires raging and books publishing.

6:04 AM - Emergency call to 24-hour handy man hotline (aka my dad). The situation is deemed electrician worthy.

6:07 AM - Call electrician.

6:08 AM - Right this very moment - Wait.

So yeah, I'm waiting. And waiting. And waiting. While I'm waiting I'm having deep conversations with the universe. Putting good vibes out there for a cheap fix for the electrical problem amongst other things. So if you have time send some good vibes our way today. We need them!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wednesday Confessions

Ok, I've been doing some things that I'm not that proud of lately and it's time for me to come clean. My guilty conscience just can't take it anymore. So here it goes...don't hate me.

1. I've been watching 10 Things I Hate About You. No, not the movie. The TV show. I know, I KNOW. I'm sure Heath Ledger is rolling in his grave, but in spite of the terrible acting (oh and the acting is BAD. Like MTV Undressed bad.), I sort of love it. I mean how do you not like a show that makes fun of man scarves and includes dialogue like this:

Bianca (terrible actress and incredibly grating): I'm in the middle of a major crisis. Chastity thinks I'm a total goodie goodie.
Kat (probably the best actress on the show and in spite of some over the top sarcasm, I sort of like her. She's no Julia Stiles, but she'll do.):  That is a major crisis. It ranks right up there with the global recession and the collapse of the Arctic Shelf. Let's turn on the radio and see if Bono wrote a song about you.

Yes, I laughed out loud watching a show on ABC Family that's targeting 12-year-old girls. Deal with it.

2. I'm starting to feel bad for PC on NYC Prep. I know, I know. I did that whole d-bag-o-meter post about him and he really is an asshole. But I'm starting to think he's maybe just been stuck inside the closet for too long, which would make anyone a little bitchy, right? 

I think that PC needs to come out of the closet and ditch all of the fame whores who are trying to take advantage of him and his insane trust fund. Yeah, yeah, I guess I really do have a soft spot for poor little rich boys. Especially if they're bi-curious. For the record, being bitchy and gay is totally different than being bitchy and straight.

3. I have purchased and read L.A. Candy. I wanted it to be terrible. I wanted to hate it, but really it's just a mildly entertaining beach read. You can't even tell how the characters correlate to the girls on the Hills which is uber annoying. 

Rumors abound that LC hired a ghost writer to write the thing, so I kept imagining how their writing process worked. 

A poor, starving, overworked ghost writer picks up her phone wearing yoga pants with a hole in the crotch and a yellowing white wife beater.

Ghost Writer: Hello?
LC: It's me.
Ghost Writer: Oh...hi, Lauren. The books coming along great I just had this great idea for a plot twist -
LC: Yeah, yeah, fantastic. Chapter 10, hot blue dress and I'm annoyed with a camera man for looking at me funny.
Ghost Writer: Um...ok. Why were you annoy-
LC: Ok, gotta run. Pinkberry calls! Kisses!
Ghost Writer: *Stares at her disconnected phone and cries.*

4. I'm considering leaving my family and running away with a fictional character. Oh, and he happens to be a fallen angel named Patch. Yeah, that's right, I finished HUSH, HUSH. It was a fabulous read and I wholeheartedly agree with the predictions that it will be the next Twilight

Jealous? As soon as Laura is done reading we'll hold a little contest to give our copy away to one lucky reader, so stay tuned.

Whew, I feel so much better now that I've gotten all that off my chest. Confessions of your own? Please share in the comments.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Top 6 Reasons Our Monday Was Made of Awesome

6. We won this supercool award from JennyMac our new bloggy friend. She is way cooler than we are and not only has entertaining posts she also makes a wicked cocktail. Oh, and in her own words, she "gives good blog." See, you like her already, don't you?

5. We won ANOTHER award from JessJordan. I know, we're so popular I can hardly stand it. I totally feel like we're sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria. Now if I could just get Laura to take that damn tiara off. (Ha! Jokes about Laura wearing her Homecoming Queen tiara at inappropriate times never get old. Right, Laur?) Jess and I have bonded over so many things, most recently this picture. You must go read her blog.

4. We lost the contest for our short story, BUT we did get nominated for best slasher short. Yeah, way to be a buzzkill Suzanne. Seriously though, everyone should go read the winning entries because they're pretty amazing and one was submitted by a proclaimed non-writer.

Update: This is our award! Hilarious. Nice work Suzanne.

3. Some guy named Gorilla Bananas stopped by and said he could get us Pacey's e-mail address and then disappeared. The sheer randomness of this pleases me on so many levels. Come back Bananas, come back!

2. Our writing friends are doing all kinds of amazing things. Full requests, sending super stellar revisions off to super stellar agents, editing books that are about to go on sub and polishing up sequels to books that are about to be HUGE best sellers. I can't believe how many amazing people we've met over the past year. It makes my heart happy. 

1. We have no idea how this happened (our best guess is the amazing Major Agent), but we got an ARC of HUSH,HUSH in the mail yesterday and I have to say, it's even prettier in person.

This book is going to be huge. HUGE. It's being touted as the next Twilight and Becca is one of the coolest people on the planet. We fully plan on bragging to anyone who will listen that she's our agent mate and friend the very second she hits the best seller list. 

If you haven't seen all of the buzz about the book I urge you to click here, here and here. I'm already 100 pages in and it's all kinds of awesome. I'm thinking we might need to hold a little contest once Laura and I have devoured the book to send this coveted ARC to one lucky reader. It's that good.

After a day like Monday, Tuesday is bound to be a train wreck. I'm already making the appropriate mental preparations.

Monday, July 27, 2009

D-Bag-O-Meter: Joshua Jackson

Dear Josh,

Can I call you Josh? Or even better, can I call you Pacey? Because I fell in love with you back when you were on Dawson's Creek and I still sort of love you. I don't know why really, but it's true. Perhaps it's because you always play smart, sarcastic, funny characters. Maybe it's just your rugged good looks or it might even be because I'm a closet fan of your show Fringe in spite of the fact that it's really gross and I have to close my eyes through entire scenes.

All kidding aside, the reasons I actually love you are quite simple: you're extremely hot and you've never humiliated yourself in public. I think that if we met in real life we'd probably run away together and get married and have lots of sarcastic babies. 

Yes, I know the chances of us meeting are slim and I already have a husband and a couple of kids, but they're super quiet. You'll hardly know they're there. Well unless you happen to take away a special treat from Jack. You do know some self defense moves though, right? I'm sure you must have picked up some of that stuff while filming all those movies and lord knows Dawson could have used a good ass whooping.

Anyways, just wanted to take a moment and congratulate you on being a non-douche. Oh, and kudos for skipping Ed Hardy, man scarves and other harbingers of douchiness. Well played.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Roses Bloomed in Orkney...

Super fun writing contest over at Tales of Extraordinary Ordinariness. You have to write a short story with the first line, "It all started with a fortune cookie." And end it with the last line, "The roses bloomed in Orkney."

I whipped this up right before the deadline, so it might be a little lame, but whatever. It was fun! You guys have to check out all the different versions of the story in the comments over there. Very cool.


It all started with a fortune cookie. I was stuck eating dinner with my parents on a Friday night and cracking open a fortune cookie was pretty much the main event in an otherwise lame dinner.

I was grounded. Again. Sadly, I couldn’t even remember which of my many offenses had earned me two weeks of solitary confinement this time around. I think it might have had something to do with me getting caught making out with Cameron Thomson while we were on that last church retreat. Yeah, that whole indiscretion didn’t go over so well considering the pastor overseeing the retreat was my dad.

“Grace, you haven’t even touched your Kung Pao chicken,” my mother nagged when she saw me wrestling with the plastic wrapper on the fortune cookie.

“Not hungry.” I’ve found that less is more with my parents. I typically try to keep my responses under 3 words. This not only drives them insane, it saves my breath. Not like they actually listen to me anyways.

I like to keep track of the number of words I say to them in any given day; it’s a little game I play with myself just to stay sane. If I counted these last two words I was up to a grand total of 7 for the day today. Not bad.

“The Lord has bestowed his bounty on us, Grace. You choose to offend Him by ignoring his gifts?” My dad always talked to me like he was preaching to his congregation or maybe composing another chapter of the Bible. Either way, it wasn’t exactly conducive to a normal father/daughter chat.

This time, I chose to ignore him completely and continued unwrapping my fortune cookie. Ooh, that brings my word count total down to 6. I subtracted a word whenever I ignored them. Kept things competitive.

I cracked open the smooth cookie and pulled out the thin white paper. It listed my lucky number as 7 and it said, “The roses bloomed in Orkney.”

I threw down my cookie and stormed away from the table. WTF fortune cookie manufacturer? That was the worst fortune I’d ever seen. What did it even mean? That stupid fortune cookie was all I had to look forward to all night long and now I was stuck with my stupid parents in our stupid house with nothing to do all night long.

God, my life sucked.

Since my bedroom was on the first floor and I didn’t have any stairs to stomp up, I had to settle for slamming the door to my bedroom. I collapsed on my so-pink-it looked-like-someone-puked-Pepto-Bismal-all-over-it bed and immediately opened my MacBook. 

The only thing that might salvage this night was an e-mail from the boy. The boy was Cameron Thomson. Yes, the very same Cameron Thomson who had gotten me grounded in the first place. Gorgeous, inappropriate, drug loving, school hating, he was pretty much a walking, talking embodiment of every parents’ nightmare.

I loved him.

There were no e-mails from Cameron waiting in my Gmail, but there was something else. A message from I figured it was spam, but I felt my fingers click on the e-mail anyways. The e-mail was only one line long.

“The roses bloomed in Orkney.”

I slammed my MacBook shut, hands shaking. This was getting weird. 

My cell phone buzzed on my desk and I jumped nearly as high as I used to when my brother would hide in the shower, leaping out screaming the second I started washing my face.

I had a new text. I already knew what it was going to say, even before my shaking hands opened the message.

“The roses bloomed in Orkney.”

I sunk back in my bed, fear racing through my body. Something was wrong. I had no idea what the message meant, but it couldn’t be anything good. My parents. I’d break all my rules and tell them. They had to believe me, I had proof.

I heard a knock at my window and before the scream could even leave my throat he was in my room.


I let out a huge sigh of relief. “You’re never going to believe what happened to me tonight…” 

But before I could even finish the sentence he grabbed me, and threw me down on the bed. That’s when I saw the knife and heard him hiss.

“The roses bloomed in Orkney.” 

Friday, July 24, 2009

It's Mother Effin' Friday

Yeah, I'm running out of F-words to use for the titles of my Friday posts. Deal with it.

Here's what we've learned this week:

1. Jon Gosselin is a hot topic. We've had some hilarious hits based on our D-Bag-O-Meter post. My favorite is too crude to post, let's just say the googler in question thought Mr. Gosselin was *ahem* not measuring up. Other favorites include "shame on Jon Gosselin" and "Jon Gosselin is such a jerk." Let me just say that I'm proud to be the owner of a blog dissing The Gosselin. I mean, dude, put the Ed Hardy AWAY. Seriously. I think the new tagline for Ed Hardy should be: "Ed Hardy, dressing Douche Bags everywhere." You're welcome for the genius advertising idea, Ed.

2. Note to self, when posting parts of the WIP for critique, request anonymous comments. We're thinking that you guys are WAY too nice to rip us apart on a public forum, but we'd love super honest feedback on our first page from our awesome writerly friends. Anyways, if you're inclined to give us some constructive crits, feel free to comment again. Or maybe we'll post a revised version in a few weeks.

3. Agent vacations are good for writing. We've FINALLY started something new and managed to finish the first 50 pages all because of Major Agent's vacay. We missed her (a lot), but I think knowing that we probably wouldn't be getting any news while she was out helped take the pressure off and got our creative juices flowing again.

4. It feels good to be writing again. Did I mention this last week? If so, it bears repeating. I forgot how fun it is to write a chapter and ship it off to Laura. I forgot how exciting it is to open my e-mail and see that Laura has vastly improved one of my chapters and added a shiny new one of her own. I just love it so much. I think for a while our burning desire to get published made us forget why we started writing in the first place. We love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.

5. 6 days, 2 hours and 40 minutes until D-Day. D-Day = the last day of camp. That means that Jack and I will be together unchaperoned (unless you count his sister, Mia. I don't.), 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 36 days. This will be the first time since he was 12-weeks-old that we've had this much quality time together. I'm really not sure how this is going to go, but I know one thing for sure. It won't be pretty. I need to get Nanny 911 on speed dial stat.

And that's all she wrote for this week. Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Slumber Party!

A bottle of white wine is chilling in the fridge. Fresh sheets are drying in the laundry room. A package of 97% fat free hot dogs are thawing on the counter. And there's a brand new package of Twizzlers sitting in my pantry. All of this can only mean one thing...


Oh yeah, you didn't read that wrong, Laura and I are having a slumber party tonight. Sadly we won't have time for pillow fights or prank phone calls. But for the record, we were legendary prank callers. Laura was widely celebrated for her impressive use of "the man voice" while I preferred more intricate scams involving school mascot tryouts. Um..long story. 

Anyways, as much as we'd love to braid each others hair and break out the Ouija Board, we're going to spend the evening doing lots and lots of revising and brainstorming. 

Twizzler consumption will be encouraged, if not mandatory.

This is what happens when our husbands happen to go out of town at the same time. And yes, we do realize that we need to get a life. Badly.

The good news is that we've had our super secret #1 Reader (aka my bestie Tara) read the first 50 pages of the WIP and she likes it. A lot. At least I think she likes it a lot. She also pointed out some places where we can do some polishing, adding, clarifying and etc., which is precisely why she's the very first person we send our work to when we're ready for a reader. So our plan is to do some editing and then send our little sample over to Major Agent for her stamp of approval (hopefully).

Keep your fingers crossed for us! Oh and if you get any strange phone calls, just play along. It will be hilarious. Promise.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The WIP Unveiled...sort of

Ok, file this one under the "Laura is going to kill me" category, but I just can't take it anymore.'s the first few hundred words of the WIP. We won't reveal the title yet, because I think that might result in Laura divorcing me and that would make me sad.

Let us know what you think.


There are few things more humiliating than being dropped off at college by your parents. I guess the good news for me was that I wasn’t planning on staying.

I’ve never been to college before, but I’m assuming the scene at Cornell University on this sweltering August day was pretty standard first day fare. Golf carts zipped around campus. Parents and their awkward sons and daughters argued, glared and sometimes even wept. The lucky freshmen who'd somehow already managed to ditch their shameful forebears were cavorting around with mysterious looking plastic cups, drunk on their newfound freedom.

I was stuck trying to help my dad maneuver a golf cart onto the loading dock without maiming any students or destroying school property. In an unintentional attempt to maximize my embarrassment, he was wearing a large straw hat to protect his head from the sun and he took golf cart maneuverability way too seriously.

Ahh…like a glove!” Did I mention that my dad also liked to do Jim Carey impersonations? Yeah, just when you thought the straw hat was the most embarrassing thing about him. I felt my cheeks flush and looked around to see if anyone had heard him, but we were flying under the radar. As usual.

“Okay, Sarah, let’s grab the bags with your clothes and we’ll have you settled in no time.” My mom clapped her hands together, resembling a middle-aged cheerleader who’d long ago replaced her pom poms and cheerleading skirts with oversized handbags and mom jeans.

My mom had a secret passion for unpacking and organization. She prided herself on being able to find the perfect place for everything, and in her mind, she had finally figured out somewhere suitable to store her youngest daughter for the next four years. For my mom, Cornell was the equivalent to one of those custom made closet shelves from the Container Store that had a place for everything, including a special drawer for the antique pearls my grandmother handed down to her years ago. Those closet shelves might be expensive, but to my mom, they were worth every penny to keep her pearls safe and protected until she was ready to wear them again.  

I grabbed a bag and followed her into my dorm, the model daughter in pleated khaki pants and an ill-fitting button down shirt. Mom approved attire, of course. I had spent the past few months playing the role of the perfect daughter, and I guess I was hoping that this would somehow make it easier for my parents to forgive everything that was coming next.  

Unfortunately, wearing awkward mom clothes and participating in excruciating family date nights, didn’t make it any easier for your parents when you disappeared from the posh Ivy League school they paid for.  But I guess hindsight is 20/20.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

One year ago today...

Two sisters sat on the phone and had a long talk.

A talk about their lives. (they sucked)

Their dreams. (they weren't even sure they had any)

And their big idea. (to write a book and get it published)

If we had known then how much hard work it would take to get us where we are today, I'm not sure if we would have had the guts to even start.

But we've come a long way baby. 

And if we had to do it all over again, we would. 

No book deal. (yet)

But we're not giving up. 

You don't give up on your dreams. (especially when it's taken you this long to figure them out)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Best. Monday. Ever.

So, I should not have been surprised last night when I got a phone call from my sister Stacey saying that she had a surprise for Laura and I. Stacey is always surprising us with something thoughtful and fun, which makes us feel like thoughtless bitches.

Perfect example is when Stacey got preggers and bought me a present. I had been lusting after this grey cashmere dress from Banana and she just wanted an excuse to buy it for me. Typical Stacey.

Anyways, today she had surprises for us that we had to open at the exact same time. Our first guess was a book deal. We thought perhaps Major Agent had found Stacey's contact info on the interwebs and gave her a ring to tell us about a major auction going down because she wanted us to hear about it in person.

Instead, Laura and I unwrapped two brand new, shiny Kindles!!!

Can you believe it!? We are so excited we can barely contain ourselves. I've spent the better part of my day downloading books and blog subscriptions. Honestly, this is pretty much the best surprise ever. Well, aside from the whole book deal thing.

Thanks, Stacey and Erik! You guys rock.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Book Review: The Help by Kathryn Stockett

There are many, many things that I should be doing today, but because I'm suffering from a delayed hangover after too much beer pong, half a bottle of prosecco and almost an entire bag of Twizzlers, I haven't felt like doing much aside from laying around in my pajamas and reading. And honestly, in spite of the fact that it's 80 degrees and perfect outside, and even though Laura is not going to be happy with me for slacking on our latest masterpiece, I feel like the 6 hours I've spent reading today have been time well spent.

I have no idea where to begin with this book review as is probably obvious based on all of the rambling in the first paragraph, but The Help was simply phenomenal. A story that every writer should read, every woman should read, every person should read. It's gorgeously written and completely fearless. I absolutely loved this book.

The Help tells the stories of southern women and their maids in Mississippi in the early 1960's. I knew about Jim Crow laws, I've read about the civil rights movement and I certainly understood from an intellectual level that Mississippi had to be a pretty turbulent place to live in 1962. But the secret to amazing fiction is that it takes the facts, the statistics, the reality and allows you to live it. To experience it like you were there. And that's exactly what The Help did for me.

My favorite line in the entire book (and Stockett's most prized) is:

"Wasn't that the point...? For women to realize, We are just two people. Not that much separates us. Not nearly as much as I'd thought."

It's a beautiful line and a beautiful book. I urge you all to read it. Now.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Unfabulous Friday

Ok, so it's 3:24 AM. I can't sleep and I have the beginnings of a wicked hangover. This does not bode well for my Friday. I hope this week's wrap up is at least semi-coherent...

1. Prosecco definitely leads to hangovers. Do not let well intentioned friends convince you otherwise. Prosecco will give you the same mind numbing headache as half a bottle of champagne. How can something that tastes so good make you feel so bad? So much for that 9:30 Spin Class. Ugh.

2. It feels good to be writing again. We're off to a great start on our next project. I know a lot of you were wondering whether it was agent approved, and the answer is not yet. We did pitch a few of our ideas to Major Agent and she was going to choose the most marketable, but then this project sort of chose us. Anyways, she's on vacation for another week, so our current plan is to send her the first few chapters as soon as she gets back at her desk. We can't wait to see what she thinks!

3. I'm officially a Mac Girl. That's right, I ordered my very first MacBook and it should arrive next week. I feel really good about the decision, but let's just hope I can actually figure out how to use the damn thing. Really I just need it for writing and internet, nothing fancy, so let's hope the learning curve isn't too steep and I don't end up wanting to toss it out the window.

4. Writer's block makes me superstitious. We're feeling a little superstitious about the work-in-progress. It's flowing so beautifully and we still haven't told anyone what it's even about. And we have the most perfect title in the world. I'm absolutely horrible at keeping secrets, and this project is the only thing I can think about lately, so it's killing me that I can't really talk about it. Laura has me convinced that if I start blabbing we'll immediately get all blocked up. So...mums the word. For now anyways.

5. Regression is the new black. Laura and her crazy husband are hosting a beer pong tournament at her house tomorrow. We're schlepping the kids and our air mattress over to their house for the night and we're going to party college style. For the record, I suck at partying college style. I wasn't even good at partying college style when I was in college. I'm also spectacularly bad at beer pong. Laura is supposedly the reigning champ (her husband claims that he beat's all very controversial), so I'm hoping that we somehow end up on the same team. The only problem about being on the same team is that we won't have anyone to drink the foul beer that's left in our cups when the other team scores. Gross.

6. StatCounter insanity has reached a whole new level. Some lucky individual found the blog by searching "get paid to write spanking sstories." And yes, they used a double s in stories. I hope they found what they were looking for.

Well, that wraps up yet another week for us. Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Idea Whore Writes...

I think I'm finally ready to stop slutting it up. That's right bitches, we've found "the one."

And for the record it was my Into the Wild inspired idea and it freaking rocks. I'm not allowed to say anything else because Laura is absolutely convinced I'm going to jinx it. But, I just wrote the first 1,000 words and sent it off to Captain Caution (aka Laura) and I'm so excited I can't even think straight.

I haven't felt this excited about a book in FOREVER. Wait, actually, I remember exactly when I felt this excited about writing a book and it was way back when we started Gmail which became Finding Grace which became A Kate Lowry Mystery: The Haunting of Pemberly Brown.

Hell. Yeah.

I'm thisclose to buying a new laptop and I think I'm leaning towards a MacBook. Anyone have thoughts?? I've been a PC gal for years, but I think I might be ready to switch teams.

Wow, this post sounds really dirty if taken out of context. StatCounter should be interesting this week.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

D-Bag-O-Meter: Jon Gosselin (formerly of Jon and Kate Plus Eight)

In an effort to forget about some recent embarrassments, we've decided to dust off the old D-Bag-O-Meter and give it a spin. If only the book we were holding in that fateful picture was Multiple Bles8ings: Surviving to Thriving with Twins and Sextuplets. Ah hindsight.

Dear Jon,

You think you're so cool in your Ed Hardy t-shirts, smoking your ciggies and hanging out with your twenty-something gal pals. Well, we're here to bring you back down to reality (you can thank us later, or now if you want, in the comments section).

Dude, you have eight kids, two dogs and a not-even-ex-yet-wife. Get a hold of yourself. Fly back to wherever-you-come-from, Pennsylvania, drive back to your sprawling piece of land and spend some time with those eight kids and two dogs (we won't even judge if you don't want to kick back with your not-even-ex-yet-wife).

You should be ashamed of yourself. You've scored higher on the D-Bag-O-Meter (patent pending) than PC, hovering right around Spencer level or "total d-bag" status. You have ten plus years on both of them, not to mention the 8 children, you should know better.


Monday, July 13, 2009

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Let's just say there are a couple of girls. We can call them Risa and Maura. They're a couple of aspiring authors trying desperately to get their book published and to pass the time they read books and review them on their super-lame blog.

So these girls think they're pretty funny and they pride themselves on being honest. To a fault. And they write a very honest review of a book. There were many, many things the girls loved about the book, but the ending didn't work for them for various reasons. It's subjective, the girls voiced their opinions and then, thanks to the powers of the interwebs, the author read all about them.

Well, this author is very graceful and apparently has a pretty good sense of humor and wants to post a picture of the girls on her her book a thumbs down. In retrospect this is the aspect of the whole debacle that Risa and Maura regret the most. So, they send the kind author the picture and accept the fact that their inbox will surely be flooded with hate mail from her many fans. Because let's be honest, if the author wants to post their shame for all to see, she's certainly within her rights.

So, dear readers, what say you about this disaster of epic proportions created by the ridiculous Risa and Maura? Do you post critical reviews on your blog or do you follow the golden rule of doing unto others and all that? And hypothetically speaking, say the slighted auther asked R&M to include a comment to post along with the wretched photo, suggestions? We'd love to hear you sound off in the comments.

Oh and feel free to take some jabs at Risa and Maura too. Those bitches deserve it.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Book Club Book Review: The Late Lamented Molly Marx

The Good: Amazing premise. Molly Marx is dead. Before she's off to the Duration, she has the opportunity to watch all that happens with the people she left behind. She can even hear their thoughts. So she watches and listens to her husband, her daughter, her sister, her best friend, and her lover. The first three-quarters of the book are highly entertaining as we learn about Molly's past life and what happens after she dies. Molly is a smartly written, likeable character and Koslow paints a solid picture of NYC. Lisa and I felt especially cool when we read about Molly eating at Bouchon Bakery because Sarah had taken us there when we visited New York in March.

But one of our favorite parts of the book had to be the letter Molly left behind for her daughter. It was beautifully written, made me tear up a bit when I read it and inspired me to think about doing this for my own daughter. Nicely done.

The Bad: The end. The end of the book feels totally thrown together and unbelievable. We find out what actually happened to Molly and it was thoroughly disappointing. It seemed convenient and contrived and basically ruined an otherwise great book. It left us asking questions like, "Wait, Luke was at the baptism?" and "Wait a second, Stephanie owns a bike?"

Unfortunately, the book club gave it an overall thumbs down, but would have given it a big old thumbs up if none of us had ever finished the book. Ah...the irony.

The Ugly: Apparently, Lisa lost her ability to count when she lost her job because there were only 5 of us at the book club, not 6 as she claimed in her Friday post. Unless she was counting our waiter, the man in red in the background, but something tells me that wasn't her intention. Guess we'll know who to blame when her kids fail math.

Our next book is Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen. We're excited because this book club meeting will be extra-long and relaxing as it's filled with dinner and the movie that comes out August 7th. Maybe the allure of the movie will draw a bigger crowd!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Fabulousity

I haven't done one of these in a couple of weeks, so you'll have to excuse me if I'm a little rusty. Alas, we have learned quite a bit over the past couple of weeks and if there's one thing you know about us, it's that we're always willing to (over)share.

1. Agent + Vacation = 2 Unhappy Campers. We miss Major Agent! Yes, we know that everyone is entitled to some R&R, but our lives seem devoid of meaning without our 5 PM update e-mails from her. And we keep imagining her inbox being flooded with rejections while we're lazing around eating Twizzlers. Not fun.

2. Workouts + Sisters = Hilarity. Laura and Stacey did an interval training class with me today at the gym. I don't think twice about hopping around and looking like a complete jackass when I'm flying solo, but somehow seeing Laura and Stacey half heartedly punch and kick and trip over their own feet escalates the hilarity level. And it's all over if you make eye contact. We earned many a dirty look from our fellow classmates when we spent most of the class doubled over in laughter. I wonder if you burn more calories that way?

3. Jack + Banana Republic = Humiliation. Over the past couple weeks my 4-year-old has stepped up his efforts to drive me completely insane and humiliate me in public. It all started with an innocent trip to Banana Republic. I had a reward card that was about to expire, so against my better judgement I took Jack and Mia with me for a quick shopping trip.

I bribed them with promises of snacks and rides on the quarter sucking machines sitting right outside the store. Rather than behave like an actual human being, Jack decided to continuously push Mia's stroller into racks of clothing, and then (in spite of thousands of whispered warnings from me) he tipped her entire stroller over in the dressing room resulting in me delivering the unpalatable news that he would no longer be taking the promised airplane ride.

Commence the mother of all meltdowns.

Keep in mind that we're inside a dressing room, so while the other patrons could hear Jack screaming they could not see what was actually happening. I kneeled down and cupped Jack's face (a doctor and dog whisperer approved tactic to get him to make eye contact and calm down), and then he started screaming "STOP SPANKING ME MOMMY! YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU PINCHED MY FACE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I think the worst part was having to do the walk of shame out of the dressing room. I'm surprised they didn't stitch a scarlet A on my shirt, for abuser.

4. Thai Food + Books + Wine + 6 Gals = Good Times. We had our first book club meeting Thursday night and it was ab fab. More to come on that on Monday.

5. NYC Prep + The Real World Cancun + 16 & Pregnant = The Apocalypse. Really nothing to add to this one. These shows are just a shocking conglomeration of trash and I'm single handedly adding to their weekly Nielson ratings. You're welcome.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Idea Whore Strikes Again...

So, for those of you keeping track, Laura and I sent 3 shiny new ideas to Major Agent to consider for our next project. And, well, tonight inspiration has struck again.

Laura is going to kill me.

I love this idea, and I don't even have a plot entirely figured out yet. I can't do much along the lines of plot until Laura starts grilling me on the veracity of the idea. It's just how we work.

Anyways, the concept just feels fresh and different and something that we could write really well. was love at first strike.

It all started when I stumbled across Into the Wild on one of our movie channels. I've never read the book. To be honest, I've been a little nervous to read the book or watch the movie because I was worried it would depress me. Sometimes if I read something really sad or watch a really disturbing movie it takes me a while to shake it off, so I'm sort of careful with my choices.

But when I watched a few minutes of the movie, it was just too beautiful to change the channel. Haunting, but beautiful. Anyways, it's safe to say that I'll never aspire to write a book that's anything like Into the Wild, but it's funny how a little kernel of an idea can give birth to something completely different. And that's exactly how my little idea #4 was born.

Has this ever happened to you guys? Where do you get your inspiration for new ideas and how do you know when you've stumbled on "the one?" I guess we're going to rely on Major Agent to help us choose, but I can't decide if we should share this newest idea with her or not. We might just have to save it for a rainy day.

Laura is going to kill me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Roecker vs. Niffenegger

Well, I finished The Time Traveler's Wife and I have to admit that it wasn't all bad. There were definitely things I liked about the book, and by the time I finished it felt a little bit like I was competing directly against the author, Audrey Niffenegger.

Great concept for a novel: Point goes to Niffenegger
-I may not have liked the execution all that much, but I have to admit that the time travel twist makes for a very innovative take on the love story.
Niffenegger 1 Roecker 0

Slow starter: Point goes to Roecker
-So many people who are critical of this book, claim they just couldn't get into it. It's well written, but the first 150 pages just seem superfluous to the book itself. I understand that she wanted us to see the full story from where it began (with Clare as a 6-year-old), but it really just wasn't that interesting.
Niffenegger 1 Roecker 1

I finished the book in 3 days: Point goes to Niffenegger
-As critical as I'd like to be of this book, I finished the whole damn thing in a few days. Whether I'd like to admit it or not, I was hooked.
Niffenegger 2 Roecker 1

The book was 518 pages: Point goes to Roecker
-I think this would have been a better book if you took out about 200 pages. There's just so much detail and very little of it was actually compelling. I found myself skimming paragraphs just to get to an actual plot point.
Niffenegger 2 Roecker 2

The book made me cry: Point goes to Niffenegger
As a mother, there were certain aspects of the book that really tugged at my heartstrings. These portions of the book were extremely well written and definitely kept me turning the page, eager to find out what was going to happen next.
Niffenegger 3 Roecker 2

The book was depressing: Point goes to Roecker
Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that all books should be filled with sunshine and rainbows. In fact some of my favorite books, The Lovely Bones and The Book Thief for example, are pretty heavy books. But here's the key, they managed to end on a note of hope. Even in the most hopeless of scenarios the authors infused just the tiniest promise of better things to come that it made the sad stuff more poignant while avoiding the horrible I-should-be-on-suicide-watch-after-reading-this-book-syndrome. Bottom line, The Time Traveler's Wife is essentially about a woman waiting around for a man to show up and *spoiler alert* when he stops showing up, her life sort of just grinds to a halt. This depresses me. Not suicide watch levels of depression, but enough to leave a sour taste in my mouth.
Niffenegger 3 Roecker 3

The book was a RAGING success: Point goes to Niffenegger
-Thousands of book clubs across the country have discussed this book. The movie is one the most anticipated films premiering this summer and girlfriend just scored a $4.5 million advance for her next novel. Even more fascinating to me is that Niffenegger kept her day job throughout the success of her debut because she didn't want to feel pressured to write her second book. And while she most certainly could have sold her second book off a proposal, she waited until the manuscript was complete. Yeah, I'd say that paid off. If you're interested in the full story, check this out.
Niffenegger 4,500,003 Roecker 3

So, safe to say that Niffenegger took this one. Quite handily, I might add. This is one of those books that just didn't work from me, although I can see why other readers might have loved it. Welcome to the subjectivity that is reading and writing. I'm actually wondering if this will be one of those rare occasions where I'll enjoy the movie more than the book (see below for the trailer).

Of course there are about 4.5 million reasons for you guys to completely ignore my little review and for Audrey to laugh in my face.

Well played, Niffenegger. Well played.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Our secret shame...

Our obsession with StatCounter isn't news to anyone who reads our blog on a regular basis, but I'm sad to say that in recent weeks it has escalated to a whole new level.

It all started when we began getting hits from people who we thought might be editors. And then we noticed that there were all kinds of other people checking in on us, including friends, relatives, and even a crazy ex-bestie.

When we discovered a little tool within StatCounter that allowed us to label IP addresses things really started to go downhill. It sort of became a competition between the two of us regarding who could come up with the most amusing label for cyberstalkers.

Just to give you a little (PG) taste of what you might see if you could access our StatCounter archives:

-For the random hit we got from Nordstrom: Creditor (I knew I shouldn't have bought those shoes even if I was only one pair away from another Nordstrom Note)

-For the person who googled us from a bank in NYC: Editor who moonlights as a banker (definitely wishful thinking)

-For the person who might be an editor but is probably just a random from NYC: Editor or cruel joke? (thankfully StatCounter allows punctuation)

-For the crazy ex-bestie: Crazy (we're so succinct)

-For the crazy ex-bestie potentially logging on from a different computer: Crazy getting tricky? (succinct AND observant)

-For the hundreds of people who have found the blog by Googling Laura's name: Laura Stalkers (spurned boyfriends, ex-students, jealous classmates? Your guess is as good as mine, but a lot of people are wondering what Laura Roecker is up to these days. Maybe they just want to check in and see if she's still homecoming queen material?)

-For the one person who found the blog by Googling my name: Finally a Lisa stalker! (It pains me to admit that even after all this time, Laura is still more popular than me. Ouch.)

The best part about all of this is that it's pure conjecture. That's half the fun, really. The only thing we know about the hits we get is the general region, so we get to make up all the details ourselves.

So if you're logging on from Las Vegas, we naturally assume you're a high school nemesis turned show girl. And if it's a hit from L.A., you're clearly a movie scout who happened to find our manuscript abandoned on the subway on a scouting trip in NYC, read it on the plane ride home and you're now dying to acquire film rights before we even publish the book. I mean, what are the chances!?

Now, for the record, all of our fabulous regular readers including our real friends, family and blog friends go without nicknames because it's really only fun to make fun of crazy people and ourselves.

But cyberstalkers, BEWARE. We are watching you. Well, not so much watching you as amusing ourselves at your expense. Whatever. You get the idea.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Beach Reads and Libraries

This is one of those moments where I wish that our blog was on LiveJournal so I could have that little icon at the top that would state my mood. Because, you know what? I'm crabby. I'm antsy. I'm sick of refreshing my freaking e-mail and we all know how I feel about Sunday nights.

In short, I'm really not someone you want to be hanging out with right now.

So far I've been staving off the depression/insanity by reading. I've flown through the stack of books that I checked out from the library a few weeks ago including: The Gemma Doyle Trilogy (awesome), The first two books in Diana Peterfreund's Secret Society Girl series (entertaining), The Late, Lamented Molly Marx (flawed) and now I've started The Time Traveler's Wife.

The thing about The Time Traveler's Wife is that Laura has been begging me to read it for years and I just can't work up the enthusiasm. I'm a few chapters in and I'm already annoyed. If there is a plot, I hope it shows itself quickly because just having this dude who flips back and forth in time naked and talks to himself and his future wife when she's 6 is not entertaining. At all. And it sort of gives me a headache. Laura is going to be so pissed when she reads this. The only thing that pisses her off more is when I rip on The Red Tent.

So, please, please, please leave me some good book recommendations in the comments. I'm looking for summer books. Nothing too serious, but highly entertaining. I'd really love to be reading South of Broad by Pat Conroy or Roses by Leila Meacham. For some reason I'm craving a sweeping family saga. Maybe it's the lack of quality dramatic TV in the summer months. Oh, and it can't be anything too new because I'm going to have to check it out from the library. This purchase and my need for a laptop has trumped my bookstore budget for the time being.

And speaking of libraries, one of the truly amazing things about Cleveland is our library system. It's amazing! I can order books on-line and they'll be on a little shelf right next to the self-checkout waiting for me within a day or two. Not to mention all of the classes, story hours and services they have available to members of our community.

Every time I walk into the library my chest gets a little tight. Free books! I realize this makes me a huge nerd, but the library has got to be one of my favorite places on earth. It's just so comforting knowing that no matter how awful life gets, you'll always have the library and books and librarians; a place to get lost for a few hours.

Unfortunately, our library system is in danger of losing funding, so if you have a minute, take a second and send an e-mail to one of our senators and tell them to fight for our books!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

It's Rhyme Time...

In lieu of our normal Friday wrap-up post, Laura has composed one of her poems. It should be noted that she composed this poem early on in the week, but being the bossy, control freak, older sister that I am, I refused to let her post it until Friday. Over the past few days the Fug Girls have already commented on some of the photos and she's mad, so be sure to leave her lots of nice comments to make her feel better (and to save me from her eternal scorn).

Have a great 4th of July everyone!

Dear Keira, I owned your outfit from head to terrible toe,
it was back in seventh grade, just thought you’d like to know.

Dear Angelina, you’re looking awfully lean,
you’re next in line for Skeletor if He-Man goes big screen.

Dear Lady Gaga, I’ve had it with your fashion games,
we get it, you’re effing CRAZY, and it looks like you're lactating flames.

Taylor, dear Taylor, we’ve had a version of this talk before,
your floppy boots look like my grandpa’s slippers, I can’t take it anymore.

Dear Jessica, I love you, but double D’s/horizontal stripes just do not go,
the stripes appear all wonky, it's like a one (or two) man show.

Dear D-bag’s sister, stop your boo-hooing you skinny press whore,
if you’re really sick, put some clothes on, what are you even famous for?

Dear Dean, oh no you didn’t, m-Uggs? In the summer? With shorts? And a matching Tori?
You realize this puts you on the d-bag-o-meter? What’s your excuse, what’s the story?

Dear readers, it’s been a while, I swear I look each day,
but celebs have been behaving (sort of), let’s hope more screw ups are on the way.

Top 10 Things You Should Know About Lisa by Laura

I specifically wrote these before reading Lisa’s post about me. I’m the typical younger sister and if I read what she wrote, I would most definitely want to copy. Plus, she’ll know I checked because she’s StatCounter obsessed. There’s no fooling Lisa.

10. Lisa is in kick-ass shape. If I ever dare try a workout class with her, I get all black and fuzzy like I’m gonna pass out and she just kick, kick, kicks away. She looks funny doing it (who doesn’t?), but she could probably hold her own against Billy Blanks. Plus, she refers to a specific period of her life as, “Tae Bo skinny” where she existed on egg whites, water and Advanced Tae Bo. Watch your back Billy.

9. Lisa is very witty. Okay, you probably already know this, but she is. She can always think of something to say and it’s always clever. I KNOW that if our book ever gets published, people who know me will wonder if I had any part of it. The one-liners are all Lisa’s. She’s made of one-liners.

8. Lisa is a great therapist. I share. A lot. If you know me, I will tell you. Lisa is my favorite person to tell because her advice usually has to do with talking it out and doing something for myself like getting a manicure or joining a gym with childcare. She likes to remind me how important “training” is, whether I’m training Lydia to sleep or my husband to do what I want him to do. Solid advice.

7. Lisa is a mini-version of our mom. We call our mom “the regulator” and Lisa is exactly like her. She is a total control freak and likes to think things were her idea even if they weren’t. If you want Lisa to do something, it’s best to make her think she thought of it first. Lisa has a set schedule everyday which makes me feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants. By the time I’ve brushed my teeth, Lisa has worked out and napped both kids (including a 4-year-old. Do 4-year-olds even take naps anymore?).

6. Speaking of “the regulator,” our mom is Lisa’s kryptonite. She always fears “the regulator” is judging her and draws crazy conclusions after harmless conversations. She’s a mom-pleaser to the bone and will be that way for the rest of her life. Let’s hope some of that rubs off on her own kids.

5. Lisa is a great mom. She always gives herself a hard time (mom-fails) but she’s the type of mom I’ve always wanted to be. She’s involved but not too involved. She’s planned but not too planned. Her kids will be those well-rounded kids who aren’t ridiculously over-scheduled and actually enjoy downtime. Plus, I’m sure they’ll be really funny. And cute. She makes ridiculously cute kids.

4. Lisa is Driven with a capital D. When she sets her mind to something, it happens. Anyone who has ever worked with Lisa comments on how hard a worker she is (okay, except Dr. Gregory of Dr. Langstaff and Gregory our high school employer. He didn’t consider housing a dozen bagels on a Saturday morning “work.” I beg to differ.) She’s determined to succeed at whatever it is she wants to do and that makes her a great writing partner. If she wants it and I want it, it should happen. Right?

3. Lisa is a great wife. She cooks dinner every night (something I can’t say for myself) and keeps her home neat and tidy. She’s always picking up after me when my diaper bag explodes or if Lydia pulls out each and every toy in their toy box. She’s easy-going (something I can’t usually say for myself) and supportive. I’ve learned a lot from her.

2. Lisa is a writer through and through. When we were little I used to go through her stuff and find stories written in journals. She was good then and she’s great now. She double-majored in English lit and has always had a passion for it. She keeps me focused and confident, but more than that, she keeps me writing. She says she couldn’t do this on her own, but I know she’s wrong. It wouldn’t be nearly as fun (please don’t ditch me) but I know she could do it. She’d come up with some fabulous book that everyone would want to publish. She’s good like that.

1. Lisa is an idea machine. When she says we’re idea whores, she really means SHE is an idea whore. She texts me in the wee hours of the morning, calls me, emails me, etc. with her range of ideas. I don’t know where they come from, but they come. She always has something cooking, which is extremely reassuring to me. I never know what she’ll come up with next. I love it.

0 (sorry, I have one more). Lisa loves anything wolves, especially sweatshirts with wolves on them. Just kidding. Lisa is a great big sister. She always invites us over and keeps us well-fed. I singlehandedly contribute to her large grocery bills. When she calls, I always want to talk and I can tell after the first word out of her mouth what kind of a mood she’s in. It must be a sister-thing.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Top 10 Things You Should Know About Laura by Lisa

So...yeah, we're running out of things to blog about because our lives really aren't that exciting and I couldn't find any pictures to accurately illustrate the abysmal fashion choices that Jessie made on NYC Prep last night. (Chuck Taylors and leggings with a t-shirt when you're under 5'8 is just a bad idea and when you follow that ensemble up with a pair of SPARKLY SUSPENDERS it makes me want to send you a very succinct e-mail: Dude, seriously? You're rich. Buy a stylist.)

Anyways, we decided to do a couple of posts where I report 10 Random facts about Laura and then tomorrow, she'll do the same for me. I'm sure it's going to be riveting, so here it goes.

1. Laura is naturally skinny. For this reason alone we should all hate her. She looks the same whether she diets or works out or does nothing but sit on her ass and eat Twizzlers all day. I'm really not sure we could be friends if we weren't sisters. I'd be way too jealous.

2. Laura is the epitome of the middle child. She spent our entire childhood assuming that she was adopted and unloved. This resulted in lots of angsty poetry and journal entries about her life as the unwanted daughter. This was all highly entertaining for older, jealous sisters. Trust me.

3. Laura's husband looks EXACTLY like Josh Duhamel. I'll have to ask Stacey to do a little photoshop mock-up of the two of them next to each other. The end result is that Laura, John and little baby Lydia look like a family who has been genetically engineered for perfection. One of their babysitters recently went on record dubbing them "the hottest family EVER." Or my personal favorite, when the photographer who took their family picture asked "Are you sure you're from Cleveland? You guys are just too good looking for that town."

Update! Photoshop Genius Sister did a little side-by-side for us. Josh is on the left and John is on the right.

4. Laura is an amazing writer. She is so much more thoughtful in her writing than I am. She takes the time to visualize scenes and really think about how the characters are moving and reacting, whereas I sort of puke words onto the page and send them over to her to fix them.

5. Laura is SUPER shy. Laura has always been really shy and as a result people assumed she was a total bitch. So wrong. Even to this day there are certain people she's unable to make eye contact with. This always cracks me up about her because if you met her you'd think she was supremely self-confident. Apparently, the burdens of being gorgeous run deep.

6. Laura is hilarious. She's always had a special knack for making me laugh my ass off. Even when we were younger she would dress up in random outfits and do this little retarded reindeer dance that would crack me up. Totally not politically correct, but highly entertaining. And just this morning her retelling of an episode of Scare Tactics had me laughing so hard that tears started streaming down my cheeks.

7. Laura is the best mom. So much more patient than I am. And my mom is always going on and on about how organized and clean she is which is really a way for her to remind me how disorganized and sloppy I actually am. My mother's special gift for backhanded critiques is one that I've inherited. I should apologize to my children in advance.

8. Laura is a hypochondriac. She is constantly going to the doctor for real and imagined issues of all kinds. She was one of those kids that always had a wrist or ankle wrapped in an Ace bandage, praying that the Dr. would say it was broken and she'd be vindicated with an actual cast.

9. Laura is the best bargain hunter. Ever. She found a pair of Gucci sunglasses for me at TJ Maxx and they were only $30. She's one of those people that sifts through the racks at discount stores and always finds the most amazing things.

10. My daughter, Mia, is Laura's clone. She's goofy, hypersensitive and extremely high maintenance. A little mini-Laura for me to boss around and love. Let's just hope she inherits her aunt's big heart and fast metabolism.

This is completely unrelated, but can we all agree that the editor of People Magazine is officially going to hell for this photo spread? It just seems wrong on so many levels.

Don't call this a comeback

So it’s been a minute. Or 10. Or truthfully more like 2,102,400. At least we think that’s how many minutes there are in 3 years, but let...