Thursday, September 24, 2009

8 Legged Randomness

So, I hate spiders. My husband thinks I’m ridiculous, but it is a very legitimate, very real fear. Much like Tyra Banks’ fear of dolphins—although a fear of dolphins is a little easier to live with considering they’re pretty easy to avoid, no? Spiders? Not so much.

It also doesn’t help that I seem to have a sixth sense for spotting spiders. If there is one in a room, I will find it. This is both good and bad. Good because I like to know I’m in a spider-free zone. Bad because if I’m home alone, that means I have to do the killing.

Last week, I spotted the biggest spider I’ve ever seen crawling around my family room. Lisa thinks I’m exaggerating, but it was seriously the size of my palm. And substantial. Not just a daddy long legs looking thing. It had meat on its…er bones. After unsuccessfully trying to convince my one and a half year old to kill the “bumblebee” (she thinks anything that crawls or flies is a bumblebee), I had to get up the nerve to kill the thing before it got away. I threw a book on it and left it for my husband. And that was that.

But then…another one of the SAME spiders crawled on out yesterday. After spraying buckets of Raid at the tarantula like thing, I began to panic. What if there was a nest of them? What if they were living in my furniture? What if one crawled on me or Lydia, forcing me to have to knock it from her? [Editorial note from Lisa: She really did think every single one of these things because we had to discuss them over and over and over again. She wouldn't even sit in her family room because she was convinced there was a nest in the couch. Girlfriend is CRAZY. Crap, I'm still not pulling that off, am I?] So, I did what any mother would do to protect her child, I called the Orkin man.

After having a 45 minute heart-to-heart with Joan (a grandmotherly sounding southern woman of Orkin), she’d thoroughly convinced me that I needed seven $99 ultimate spider elimination sessions over the course of a year. She shared that her son had suffered a spider bite as a child and had to be on heavy-duty antibiotics, still has nightmares about the incident and even sports a scar from the bite. Terrifying. So, it was decided. I needed to shell out $700 for Orkin people to come into my home, search out nests (using state of the art technology) and rid my house of spiders.

Hubby did not agree.

So we settled on a $135 local bug man who knocked a few webs, sprayed some stuff along the baseboards and told me to wait three weeks. Worse than waiting, if I see a spider over the next three weeks, I have to let it live. Apparently, it will walk in the poison and bring it back to its nest to kill the others.

Oh, and instead of flushing the Raid drowned spider, my husband put it in a bottle for me to show bug man. He confirmed the specimen as a Wolf Spider. So there, Lisa.

I was just reminded that this is supposed to be a blog about writing and pop culture, so, um...killing spiders is like editing your work, scary, but necessary. See, it even rhymes! Happy, Lisa?


Mariah Irvin said...

EWW!!! Bugs that big are disgusting!

MeganRebekah said...

You hate me don't you? That's the only rationale I can see behind an entire post on spiders, and a link to creepy pictures of hideous spides. Ugh. I literally had chills while reading this post! And it reminded me that I had a dream about a spider last night (or maybe the night before).

Oh, and my sister is also terrified of spiders. Her husband supported her by cutting out dozens of paper spiders and spreading them around their room (and bed). Sweet guy, right?

Kimberly Derting said...

We have a daughter who absolutely FREAKS. OUT! if anything spider-ish makes it into the house. We're on a regularly scheduled service. And set up on auto-withdrawal. You're welcome, Terminix.

Unknown said...

Ummmmm. I love spiders. Do you hate me? Wolf spiders especially because they are fuzzy. But I think your fear is valid and no one should ever tell you otherwise ;)

Tyra Banks is afraid of DOLPHINS? Is she afraid of children and rainbows too? WOW.

Shelli (srjohannes) said...

spiders are a sign of creativity. don't kill them just get them outside :)

more mportantly - what kind was it? did you look to see?

Sara Raasch said...

Ohmygod I can't even look at that link to Wolf Spider without being majorly freaked out...bleck bleck bleck.

Joanna said...

Holy crap, I am so scared of spiders and why, why, why did you link to the Wolf Spider wiki page??? Now I'm itchy all over and becoming extremely paranoid that spiders are under my desk...

Loretta Nyhan said...

OK, when bugs need killing I turn into a Monsanto-loving, GMO crazy poison chemical user.

And, I 'm totally with you on the bug sixth sense thing--the first thing I do when I walk into a room is check the ceiling, particularly the corners. Even a dusty old web freaks me out.

Sherrie Petersen said...

Wolf spiders are cool! And they eat other bugs--that's a bonus :)

So I guess you would not be impressed with this tarantula we encountered in our front yard? He was awesome!

Carrie Harris said...

Heh. I have a friend like that. I'm more the let-the-spiders-live-because-they-eat-all-the-other-bugs type.

Sarah Wylie said...

The way I see it, $700 is a small price to pay for sanity. I wish there were worm exterminators.

I really hope all spiders, bugs and other creatures leave your home and never return. Um, writing wise too.

Rebecca Knight said...

That wolf spider is the kind you need to go after with a bat O_o. GAH!!!!

Hardygirl said...

I need that wolf spider to come and chase off the raccoon that is living under our house.

And, you know, I'd check and see if that wolf spider eats other spiders. Because if that's the case, then . . . you know, fight fire with fire (there's such a thing as a wolf snail that eats other snails).


Natalie said...

This was a funny day to start reading your blog! My husband and my children are afraid of spiders--me, not so much (unless it's a black widow). I do HATE snakes though. My parents live up in the hills and there are rattle snakes all over. Not cool. It's hard to visit because I won't let my kids go outside.

Suzanne Young said...

HA HA HA I love this post!! And I feel you on the spider fear!!! We have those giant spiders too! My eight-year-old had to kill one the other night because I was crying too hard to throw the shoe. 409 wouldn't kill it!!! It was like a superspider!

I'm jealous that you got the bug guy there. But there's no nest. You just have to hold on to that belief. haha

Amy Lukavics said...

Holy crap I EFFING HATE WOLF SPIDERS! We live in the mountains, so there are many, many wolf spiders that love to show themselves especially in summertime. Both my husband and I are terrified of them. He actually has to put on a cowboy hat and long sleeve button up shirt on before he can kill one, you know, in case it JUMPS on him! *Shiver*

I can't believe if you see one you have to let it live. That is horror in it's finest essence! How will you sleep at night after seeing one stalk around, knowing that it's probably watching you... Eeeee!

Corey Schwartz said...

UGHHH! I HATE all spiders, except for Charlotte, of course.


So, true story.

We used to get what we believed to be wolf spiders in our house when we lived near Orlando. They were huge and scary and fuzzy and terrifying. The hubby says they don't build webs; they chase down their prey. That is effin' terrifying! No WAY am I going to live-and-let-live with something that chases. down. its. prey. No way. Uh-uh.

So on to the true story.

One random night. 2 am. Hubby's on an out-of-state business trip. I'm on the couch, Once and Again all-night marathon happening, when SFH (Spider From Hell) slides across my 9 foot ceiling.

I scream. Leap off the couch like I'm on fire. Scream again. Run. Look around, in panic. Can't hear over the sound of my damn freaked out heart. Look for something, anything. Find a broom. Do not find the necessary industrial bug spray or a 10-foot-pole, but do find little, puny can that requires me to be within a foot or so of SFH. Too terrified to just whack SFH with broom, b/c what if I miss and he jumps on me and bites my neck and kills his prey and EEEEK!!

Freak. Panic. Call the hubby.

"Whaa?" says grumbly, sleepy hubby.

"Bug! Spider! Huge one! Huge! Need bug spray! Why aren't you home?!? Spider!!"

Thirty minutes later, SFH is on the crevice of the ceiling-meets-wall. And me? I'm standing on my coffee table, phone propped against my ear and shoulder, bug spray in one hand, broom in the other.

"Just spray the floor around him," hubby says. "And then whack him."

"Uh huh," I say. The coffee table is shaking. Earthquake! No, wait. That's my legs. And my hands. And, well, me.

10 minutes later: I move the broom a little closer to SFH. Freak out and jerk brook away. SFH doesn't even blink.

15 minutes later: Hubby yawns. Hubby is tired. SFH is still very much alive. And out of reach.

20 minutes later: I spray everywhere and everything in the living room. Ev-e-RY-where. Ev-e-RY-thing. And then, I reach out the broom and ...

I whack him! And ...

He runs.

And I scream.

And he runs.

And I scream.

I can't see him anymore. I spray the carpet again for good measure.

Hubby is sleep-talking by now. I let him go before he starts sleepwalking. He tells me it's all good and just to get some sleep. Sleep? Please. Like I could sleep with that THING in my house!

1 hour later: I'm exhausted. Still no sigh of SFH.

2 hours later: Eyes ... won't ... stay ... op--NO! You will not defeat me, SFH!!

3 hours later: turn on all lights in bedroom, b/c spiders hate bright lights. Right? Right.

Spray bug spray all over bedroom--door frames, carpet, walls. You name it. Like I'm putting down garlic for vamps. Also pull bed away from wall and enclose it with several thick coats of bug protector spray. All the way around the bed. Check covers for misc. bugs. Lie in center of bed, eyes darting around the room.

Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep, wont--

Wake up a few hours later. Still no sign of SFH. Still not comfortable that I am safe.

Find spider 2 weeks later. He did not meet a very pleasant end. Am still not satisfied that he was THE spider, nor am I convinced that our bug man is doing a very good job.

Am still traumatized. Will always be traumatized.

Moral of this story? I understand your pain. After all, revisions suck.

Anonymous said...

What no picture!!

Your former spider killer,


Ryan S. Kinsgrove said...

Spiders...shudder...nuff said.

storyqueen said...

True story-Once we had a spider so big that it built a web between our house and the neighbors house. I mean it was a mega-web!

Like when you're revising, sometimes you have to get a big stick and reach up high and mess with that thing!


Christina Lee said...

get out! a wolf spider? you have got to be friggin' kidding me! OMG an extermiantor 4 times a year is the best thing that happend to us (centipedes anyone?)

Jill Kemerer said...

I just bought industrial size buckets of spider-killing-goo to spray around our house. I hate those things!

JennyMac said...

Spiders dont actually trouble me as much as the heinously ugly Palmetto bugs. UGH. And love your poetry at the end.


JennyMac: Please please please don't make me think about palmetto bugs. They are the only bugs that terrify me more than spiders. And we live right beside a nature preserve. In Florida. Ughhhhh.

sunna said...

AAAAAAAAHH, spider!!!!

...So yeah, I don't like them either. :-) I have the same 6th sense for them you have, and have been known to tear a bedroom apart at 3 in the morning because I can't sleep knowing there's one in the room. Little 8-legged bundles of badness.

FYI - my husband got me one of those bug vacuums, and it is heaven. It still requires me to be in the same room ass an arachnoid, but I can kill it from 4 feet away without throwing anything. Lovely. Get one!

Don't call this a comeback

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