Thursday, May 6, 2010

How to Procrastinate Efficiently

1. Open up the document in which you are supposed to be weaving a magical story.

2. Stare at it for a while.

3. Decide you have the burning need to Tweet about your love for a certain Glee star with a mohawk who Kody Keplinger and Lynne Kelly mistakenly think they can steal from you.

4. Begin a tweet war about who will fight harder for Puck's affection.

5. Get discouraged when Kody plays the age card. Damn teenagers.

6. End up striking a deal with Scott Tracey that involves you and Puck doubling with Scott and Patrick Verona.

7. Congratulate yourself for going over Kody's head. Wisdom comes with age bitches.

8. Stare at the document.

9. Make a few unnecessary word changes to the chapter Laura has written.

10. Refresh your e-mail praying someone will write with some urgent/amazing news.

11. Eat some gelato to get over the crushing disappointment of an empty inbox.

12. Stare at the document.

13. Fix the chapter numbers.

14. Decide you can't possibly write without a brand new Pandora channel based on a Tweet from Hannah, Sarah Wylie's mysterious non-blogging sister.

15. Re-read Sarah's blog for the day because you remember it being funny and you have a strange fondness for the word "obvi."

16. Stare at the document.

17. Open up your awesome outline.

18. Mentally congratulate yourself for having such an awesome outline.

19. Cut and paste words from your outline into the document.

20. Admire the words. So pretty.

21. Refresh your e-mail at least 20 more times for good luck.

22. Check Facebook only to discover no one has updated anything that wasn't already on Twitter.

23. Curse the efficiency of social networking.

24. Stare at the document.

25. Write a time consuming blog post about procrastination that involves lots of links and spending an inordinate amount of time searching for pictures of Puck and Patrick Verona on the interwebs.

26. Stare at the document.

27. Start typing.

28. Repeat until it's 1 AM and you can barely see straight.

29. Send the cursed document to Laura and laugh maniacally when you think about her having to edit your chapter tomorrow.

30. Continue to edit your blog post until you have an even number of procrastination techniques. OCD is a bitch.

Think you've got me beat? Let's hear your best procrastination techniques in the comments.

57 comments:

Bethany Elizabeth said...

Blog posts, and writing a song about procrastination in the style of the 12 days of Christmas, but about procrastinating. Repeating myself unnecessarily several times. Yup, that's how it goes.
Oh, and talking to people in different time zones. And watching the protest marches (There's at LEAST 3 a week, usually accompanied by some awesome costumes.)
Youtube.
Wikipedia.
I think that's most of it...
Did I mention unnecessary repetition?

A. Grey said...

In classic Southern tradition, my style of procrastination usually involves only one sentence: 'I'll think about that tomorrow'...

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

Hahaha the efficiency of social networking!

Jill Wheeler said...

31. Make a book trailer! Come visit! It's purdy.

Christina Lee said...

LOL--LOVE this!!! I usually do this with my column, not with my WIP. Facebook, Twitter, blogs, emails, refresh, refresh, refresh. ;-)

Cheree said...

LOL, I so totally agree with this. Blog Posts and Facebook do it for me big time... and I usually find myself staring at that blank page (probably mentally willing it to magically appear).

MissV said...

Those are hysterical! Guilty of one or two (or nine or ten) of them myself.

I have several email accounts. A couple for family, a couple for writing, one I use just to order stuff online. So checking email can be a great time waster.

To Do Lists are also a great way to waste time!

Matthew Rush said...

You guys are so funny. Especially you Lisa *hopes Laura isn't looking*

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

Blogging definitely gets in the way of writing whenever it can, but sometimes it is outdone by this stupid thing called work. Or watching sports, and drinking beer, or eating.

Stupid food.

Lola Sharp said...

I have a black belt in Advanced Procrastinating Techniques. I have no less than 10 blog posts on procrastinating, explaining which techniques to use during each phase.
I can tell you that I pull out the Big Gun Techniques during plot-hole-plugging, research-needing revisions.

All this to say: I feel ya, sister. You are not alone.

Jen said...

Did I tell you how brilliant you were??? Well if I didn't just know it's true because I'm saying it now!

Hardygirl said...

Ha!! I think this is why we had to shut down our Twitter account.

Now, I fold clothes that I pull from my laundry mountain. Boring, I know.

sf

Piedmont Writer said...

Procrastination Techniques.
1) Child
2) Parents
3) Dogs
4) Housework
5) Yardwork
6) Laundry
7) Blogging

Candyland said...

Sounds like me. I had all day yesterday to type, but I don't remember typing much...

slhastings said...

I pretend I'm Lady Gaga. Can you say that with a poker face?

Nisa said...

Opening the document and then not even bothering to look at it for two weeks. Yeah, I did that a few months back and yes, sometimes I forget to turn my computer off... Sometimes. Haha!

Yours was definitely more entertaining! ;)

Loretta Nyhan said...

You silly girl, Puck is mine, don't you know that? He likes "hall of fame MILFs"--remember the Madonna episode? Puck's got a thing for the older ladies.

Anyhew, I have a million ways to procrastinate. I can usually talk myself into thinking I'm actually doing work ("research" on wikipedia, "increasing web presence" on twitter, facebook, etc.). Um, yeah. Sometimes I think I should take my laptop somewhere without wifi. Think of all the real work I'd get done!

Simon C. Larter said...

1. Read Lila's blog.

2. Send links to LiLa's funnier blog posts to wife, hoping she'll snort coffee through her nose, 'cause it's fun when she does that. (Fun for you, anyway.)

3. Search on the #random hashtag on Twitter.

4. Spend an hour or so scrubbing brain.

8. Make random comments on Twitter.

14. Reply to people who said, "WTF?" about the random Twitter comments.

27. Leave snarky comment on Janet Reid's blog. Wonder if she'll actually approve it.

29. Notice Janet approved snarky comment. Laugh uproariously.

54. Wonder if there are any other female symphonic metal singers on whom I haven't developed a crush.

R. Watch Delain's April Rain for about the 600th time, 'cause the slow mo' bits where Charlotte Wessels' hair falls across her face are just so lovely.

FP. Look for notebook on which you sketched three or four paragraphs for your WIP.

&$. Realize you left the notebook at the office.

!@(#$&*#^!# (Curse.)

Lynn said...

Blogging is my big one. And getting up to check the refridgerator time and time again to make sure I haven't forgotten something on the grocery list. And maybe taking another piece of banana bread, or check the expiry date on the salad dressings. Oh, and then the cupboards.
Yes, I have to get out of my house to work where there also isn't any internet.

Kerri C at CK Farm said...

I have to start learning to procrastinate LiLa style! Much better than my way. LOL!!!

Yeah, my way involves housework, staring, daydreaming. I know, boring!

Kristi Helvig said...

You're hilarious - my goal for the day is to work "wisdom comes with age bitches" into a conversation! :)

storyqueen said...

Patrick Verona all the way!!

Best procrastination technique: Having to go to work. Which I have to do in a few minutes where I will spend the next eight hours in an internet free (except for e-mail) zone.

Sigh.

Shelley

Kaitlin Ward said...

Might I just point out that the actor who plays Puck is actually in his mid-twenties? Just sayin'. Kody can't have him ;)
(But I want him.)

Falen said...

Kody's claim makes no sense. Anyone who's a puck fan knows that he prefers older women.
Like me.
HA!

Summer said...

I saw Puck's picture and had to come in. I would have come in anyway, but that just sealed the deal.

I feel guilty watching him--I mean, the show--when my husband's in the room. He is too sexy to live. I think it's the mohawk. And the body. And the eyes. And everything else.

Marsha Sigman said...

1) Read blogs...and comments...and go to blogs of peeps who comment...read their peeps comments...go to their blogs.

2) Rearrange office by moving Christmas decorations into opposite corner. Restack drumset that no one has touched in years...what the hell? Find telescope forgot we owned.

3) Stare at neighbors with telescope...

Scott Tracey said...

I laughed so hard I'll even forgive you sending Patrick to this Scott Tracy person. He must be some sort of pod person imposter type.

Hmm. Now I must research Scott Tracy on the internet and see what he's doing that I'm not.

Erica Chapman said...

LOl! Awesome. Oh I'm a Jesse lover myself ;o) A little obsessed actually. I get the Puck love though!

Hmm. let's see, I put a movie on in the background, that I won't watch... or at least I think I won't. I watch episodes of Glee on Hulu. I watch crazy cat videos on youtube. I check all the facebook updates I've missed for like 4 days... I could go on and on.

I get the OCD thing. I'm sorry!

Christine Fonseca said...

Love this post...for me...I have to work and deal with the kids - that is ALWAYS a good way to procrastinate!

Sara B. Larson said...

There are so many ingenious and sneaky ways to procrastinate. One of the best ones is to surf the net trying to find pictures of the best actors/actresses to play your characters in the blockbuster hit movie that is sure to come. I like that one. :-)

PJ Hoover said...

You are too funny! I take lessons from my son in how not to procrastinate. He's amazing about just getting things done (well, most of the time).

i saw a nice billboard the other day:

put off procrastination

So I'm trying to remember that going forward.

Dara said...

For starters, you can pull the age card right back on Kody. Remember that Puck said in like one of the first episodes that he liked older women? :P If I remember correctly, he used to clean pools b/c of the access he had to them :P Of course there's the whole relationship with a minor thing...

Anyway, one of the ways I procrastinate is watching YouTube videos. Not entirely creative, but the moment I watch one, I'm lost in YouTube oblivion for an hour or more. :P

Emily J. Griffin said...

1. Check email.

2. Check facebook.

3. Check twitter.

4. Check email.

5. Check blogger.

6. Eat snack even though you are not hungry.

7. Check email.

8. Research European tour packages for young adults.

9. Email to mom, declaring your NEED to go NOW.

10. Check email.

11. Check facebook.

12. Check twitter.

13. Check blogger stats, see if any new visitors stopped by. Wonder why they never comment.

14. Thank stars for the loyal people who always do ; )

15. Check email.

16. Check facebook.

17. Eat unecessary snack #2.

18. Check twitter.

19. Check blogger.

20. Stop on even procrastination technique because you want to be just like Lisa.

Veronica Roth said...

I suspected as much, but this post has confirmed it for me: we need to be friends.

That is all.

Oh, except my procrastination technique. Which is basically: 1. Putter around flickr looking for desktop backgrounds. 2. Locate one. 3. Putter around blog template databases looking for a new blog template that I later never use. 4. Give up. 5. Stare at word document.

HA! AN ODD NUMBER! And I'm gonna leave it that way.

Christine Danek said...

Oh you have me. I have checked email, twitter, facebook and the blog 60 times and looked at my document 2. You never get those urgent networking messages when you want to.
BTW-Love Sarah's site.

Patti said...

Write a sentence, check email, erase sentence, check blog, write a few more words, check facebook, change a comma. Go upstairs open fridge, close fridge, open cupboard, close cupboard. Make toast. Watch a bit of The View or General Hospital (depending on the time of day). Go bug my husband (whose really working). Go back to computer and repeat.

Carolyn V. said...

Realize I haven't done laundry in a week.
Stare at screen.
Promise screen I'll be right back.
Run to start laundry.
Get lost (until next day) in folding pile.

*head shaking* Stupid laundry.

Donna Gambale said...

I seriously seriously love you guys.

Kristy said...

You've got that down to a science! (and it was soooooooo familiar)

Carrie at In the Hammock Blog said...

LOL!! Ah, Puck... I'm so happy he's getting more air time on the recent episodes :)

JEM said...

Um...sleeping. It's not so much a technique as a thing that happens to me when I start to write. Note to self: stop writing in bed.

Zoe C. Courtman said...

What? You were spying on me today??? lol

Elana Johnson said...

Oh, dude, I feel this so hard. I mean, seriously. I find myself opening a new tab and just staring at the options.

Blogger? Should I read through my post for tomorrow for the fiftieth time? No.

Twitter? Really? I hate you, twitter, but here I go. I went to do the #YAlitchat last night only to find it had already been done. Le sigh. Gained an hour there.

Facebook? Without my games (I'm on a 30-day fast) what's the point? Click "like, like, like" one more time? Lame.

Forums? Been there. Done that. No one else has responded. LOSER.

I sigh, and click out. Stare some more. Go read a book.

Words written last night: 0
Books read: 1

So yeah. I feel this. Hard.

Melissa said...

haha I love it...my procrastination involves, well, doing this...leaving stupid comments on everyone's blogs ;)

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Heehee, love this post.
My procrastination involves lots of games of guitar hero. Oh, and blogging. Oops, busted. Back to revisions.

Mariah Irvin said...

I'm currently blogging and tweeting. Gotta love procrastination (and Puck).

Krispy said...

I'm ridiculously good at this. Too bad there isn't some sort of degree or something for procrastination. So all the random social networking and blogging stuff aside...

-"Catching up" on TV shows - like every one I've remotely been interested in continuing.

-Marathoning TV shows - don't want to study? remember that show you sorta wanted to check out? Yeah.

-Reading Wikipedia. No srsly. (See also reading TV Tropes)

-Playing stupid online games (like Bejeweled or Gold Miner, etc.)

-Catching up with people you keep meaning to catch up with but somehow haven't yet.

Yeah, I'm going to stop myself now.

Amy Lukavics said...

I WILL FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL FOR PUCK.

Larissa said...

LMAO.

One word:

NAP

Talei said...

haha! love your blog. OMG...too close to the truth! Wait a minute while I look for hidden cameras here.

Okay, you're ahead on fixing chapter numbers - classic! I'm still working on outline here.

My usual techniques...Email, twitter, fb, snacks, water, music breaks, phone calls,urgent need to call my mother, washing, face masks... yeah the list is endless. I am incredibly good at staring at the same chapter though! ;)

jessjordan said...

Procrastination and I ... we're pretty tight. Don't tell me he's been sneaking around behind my back!

On another note, I'm hugely concerned about the loss of the mohawk. My heart, it hurt a little. If you don't hear from me after the next episode of Glee, I'm probably curled up in fetal, sobbing hysterically.

Jemi Fraser said...

We're all pretty good at this! I like to check out new blogs, chat with my buddies on AQ and watch the Space Channel :)

Kelly H-Y said...

HILARIOUS ... and relatable! :-)

Tess said...

ah, the classic 'reformat the chapter headings'

yes. been there myself.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Well, that pretty much summarizes my day. Okay, minus the discussion with Kody and Lynne. And, well, I left all Laura's words alone. But other than that, mirror image of my day. :D

Slamdunk said...

Funny. I like how you leave the document open so when inspiration strikes in 30 second intervals; you are ready.

Indigo said...

My best, one time only procrastination defacto?

Looking up from my computer and seeing a wooden slat, that won't stay in place on the metal covering to my wooden blinds. So...I get the crazy glue out and decide to fix it once and for all. Meanwhile my dog comes over to see if I'm ok as I'm doing a stupidly, unstable balancing act on the edge of the extender ladder and liable to fall and crash at any moment.

I get down off my precarious perch and not thinking, I reach down to pet the dog and continue to stare at said slat waiting to see if it holds. Oh, it held.

Meanwhile I'm glued to the back hair of my dog and have to try(key word here is try) to get her to come with me in search of scissors. No easy task as she's a 65lb Blk Lab - Husky mix.

New meaning to hairy palms (although it was my tingertips).

How's that for getting off course?(Hugs)Indigo

Dork Vader said...

Ha! I've got you beat on procrastination. No one can do it like me.

1. Think of a snarky blog post title, for a post I haven't written yet.

2. Decide that I need a list of titles to choose from.

3. Decide that they're all lame and I need to start over.

4. get distracted by the shiny object near monitor.

5. Take a bunch of pictures of shiny object to post on blog.

6. Swear at retarded camera.

7. finally get a picture that doesn't look like a two year old was playing with the camera.

8. Search for half an hour for camera cord.

9. find it and upload it.

10. Realize that I've spent over an hour not actually writing a blog post, which was an excuse not to work on my WIP in the first place.

Ahh, the glorious art of procrastination....