Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Tell the Truth Tuesday: Me, Ice Cream and Jennifer Love Hewitt

My truth this Tuesday: I spent last night with a huge bowl of ice cream and Jennifer Love Hewitt's The Client List on Lifetime On Demand. I kept the remote handy so I could pause the movie and jot down any random thoughts.

You're welcome.

0:01:39 - Advice from J. Love to her 9-year-old daughter: "Life is easier if you're pretty. Does a girl no good to be good at video games." Tough love, J. Love. Tough love.


0:02:57 - Advice from J. Love to her Cougar-esque mother: "These scientists did a test and found out that the smell of pumpkin brings blood flow to a man's you know what faster than anything else." I'm surprised she didn't mention anything about vagazzles.

0:06:05 - Wow, for a character who supposedly got bamboozled into an adjustable rate mortgage, J. Love is surprisingly knowledgeable about the current mortgage crisis. 

0:09:07 - Ruh-roh. J. Love got a job at the Kind Touch Health Spa. Something tells me the touch is going to be a little kinder than she had bargained for...

0:09:25 - Even better the characters keep saying the name of the spa over and over again in conversation. "Hey, what time do you have to report to Kind Touch Health Spa for work in the morning?" Awesome. 

0:12:04 - Did you hear that? It's the sound of my sobs echoing from Cleveland. The Madame of Kind Touch Health Spa just revealed that she originally dreamed of being a novelist, but "turning tricks pays much better." I think I'm going to need more ice cream.

0:12:43 - And the hits just keep on comin'. when one of the ladies makes reference to doing a "teensy bit more" than just a massage, J. Love asks for more info and the Madame responds with "Well, like my writin' teacher always says, show me don't tell me." And now they're watching an underage hooker and her John from a two way mirror. Somewhere in Maine Stephen King is weeping.

0:17:36 - "This is America! A girl looks pretty she's not supposed to be poor." On a private jet somewhere between here and Dubai, Paris Hilton is nodding her head as she watches this cinematic masterpiece.

0:22:49 - J. Love is christened Brandy ("because she'll go down real smooth") and one of her hooker friends confesses she ran away from home to try out for American Idol, but they told her she wasn't ready. Now she's turning tricks to save for a singing coach. Who says the American Dream is dead?

0:44:10 - J. Love is a very busy hooker, mostly because she brings her clients cookies. Well played, J. Love. Well played.

0:47:09 - The only problem with being the most popular hooker at the Kind Touch Health Spa is that J. Love is VERY tired. Good thing one of her thoughtful clients brings her some coke. I'm predicting a Jessie Spano style breakdown in short order. I could not be more excited. 

0:49:15 - Note to self: If you make a cake while high on cocaine apparently you'll be ready to compete on Cake Wars. 

0:55:03 - I've never seen so much nose rubbing combined with extended bathroom trips in my entire life. Good old Brandy is looking deliciously twitchy. 

0:59:02 - Yowsers, the Kind Touch was busted and J. Love's husband caught it on the evening news. Something tells me this one doesn't end like Pretty Woman...

1:07:31 - AND we've had the requisite Tiger Woods reference. I think it's time to start wrapping this up, don't you?

1:13:12 - Say what you will about J. Love's lackluster Texan accent and below average acting skills, but the girl has phenomenal hair and a fabulous body. Just sayin'.


1:23:23 - The moral of the story for young women across America: Low on cash? Become a hooker, make loads of money and then sell out all your clients when you get caught to avoid jail time. As the working gals in the movie are so fond of saying, "Beats waitressing!"

1:25:33 - Oh delicious irony, now J. Love is a waitress. 

1:31:02 - And they all live happily ever after. J. Love gets her husband back in Chuck E. Cheese's and I'm left feeling slightly nauseous after eating way too much ice cream and pondering the parallels between my double life as a writer/mother and J. Love's double life as a hooker/mother.


  • We both have a hard time waking up in the morning on account of all the late nights. 
  • We have moments where we snap at our kids; and 
  • Our husbands occasionally threaten to leave us if we don't stop working so hard. 
I guess the main difference is that J. Love got super skinny as she was further embroiled in her double life as a whore and I just keep getting fatter and fatter as I consume more and more Twizzlers to feed my muse. Of course, I'll take writer's butt over a coke habit any day of the week. 

How's that for a random truth this Tuesday? Let's hear what you've got to confess in the comments.

34 comments:

Girlinbetween said...

-confession-

I used to watch ghost whisperer.

Amy said...

"Writer's butt" - what do you know, there's a name for it.


I'm making a giant mental note never to see this movie, despite the potential ironic hilarity of "show, don't tell" being applied to happy endings.

Jen said...

Excellent truths, I'm with you much rather have writer's butt then a coke habit.

I think I'm going to have watch this movie, just to experience all the scenes you listed. Can't help but watch lifetime, it's addicting isn't it?

My truth: I secretly wish I was at home with my muse and my revisions, instead I'm drinking copious amounts of caffiene and working hard to earn the living that puts a roof over my head. How's that for sad, lol.

Michele Shaw said...

J. Love and a Lifetime movie will never let you down. They are a delicious combination! (Remember when it was Lisa Hartman Black?) The secret to the perfect writers butt is the rotation of the candy. I can go all Twizzlers one day, but the next it's my baby pretzel M&M's, followed by a Skittles day.

Matthew Rush said...

This is awesome with a capitol EPIC. I once did this (as in taking notes intended for a blog post) while watching Glee. You can read it in my blog archives if you're so inclined, but they are not nearly as awesome as what you've done with this.

salarsenッ said...

Your work is brilliant!! Nice remote control action.

Um...the scent of pumpkin??? I guess we really know what goes on around Halloween now, don't we? Paranormal blah...I think the male goons are high on...'K, new subject. *grins*

Kelly Lyman said...

This was great! And so many thanks for keeping that remote handy for all the comments!

storyqueen said...

Ruh-roh! I think you have a new idea for a weekly feature:

LiLa's Lifetime Movie LifeLessons.

(I would soooo read it...and eat popcorn....and grow my writer's butt.)

Shelley

Kerri C at CK Farm said...

OMG! Only you two could come up with that!

It secretly makes me want to watch this with your comments in front of me ha ha.

Larissa said...

This was awesome. Please tell me you plan on doing this again. Please!

Melissa said...

hahahaha you girls crack me up...I used to absolutely love The Ghost Whisperer until it got stupid...really, really stupid. This gave me a good giggle, so thank you!

Falen (Sarah) said...

HAHAHAHA!
This is full of WIN!

you ladies should totes watch Make it or Break it. It seems like it would be up your alley (so much teen melodrama...)

Sara B. Larson said...

Whoa, that was quite the, um,... yeah. Glad you watched it and not me. I think I got my fill of fabulous TV movies for a month just from reading that. ;)

Jemi Fraser said...

Scary advice from that gal! :)

Elana Johnson said...

There's nothing like a Lifetime movie. I wonder where they get the writer's for those things. I mean, seriously.

And hey, I'm glad I'm not the only one getting fatter and fatter. I'm seriously going to have to get on a diet soon. Or just stop eating until 1 AM. Yeah, that might work...

Alexa said...

Okay, this is the third mention I've read and now I'm motivated. Ice cream and on demand, here I come!

Jill Wheeler said...

Wow, there's such a thing as Lifetime ON DEMAND? People DEMAND Lifetime?

*snickeres* vagazzles

Dara said...

You made the movie infinitely better by doing this :)

Loretta Nyhan said...

This is a tour de force, my friend.

And...wasn't this the plot of a Tori Spelling Lifetime movie a few years back?

Tere Kirkland said...

LOL, that's pretty random.

Sounds like an even more socially relevant film than the Pregnancy Pact. ;)

Jill Kemerer said...

Why do I love your innovative blog posts so much?? They just make me happy. And I know I can confess to you that I watched Jersey Shore for the first time last week, and instead of flipping the channel in horror, I leaned in, mesmerized by Snooki's low self-esteem and "The Situation's" penchant for young girls. I should be ashamed.

Jessica said...

Please don't call her J. Love! That's MY name!! I swear, I shake my fist at her for being born with a name so similar to mine. And she doesn't have to use the Love. She could drop it, and I think she should.

Everyone calls me Jennifer because of her. EVERYONE.

Heidi Willis said...

i snorted out my wine (yeah, I'm drinking wine at one in the afternoon... my kids are away - AWAY - for three days!!) at the reference to turning tricks pays more than writing.

I suddenly feel the need to see the movie... if only as a cautionary tale...

Kelly said...

Hilarious play by play!
OMG, I had better finish my ms asap, get an agent and sell my contract for big $ before I'm tempted to work at the Kind Touch Health Spa near me!

Krispy said...

I don't actually know what to say. Um, when's the next rerun?

Lori W. said...

I don't know why you aren't also pursuing careers in television. I'd watch way more of it if you two were in a little box in the corner providing commentary. Thanks for the laugh. Confession: This morning I bowled a 56 and thought briefly about how unacceptable that was. I may forego morning writing time and hone my bowling skills instead.

T. Anne said...

Beats waitressing indeed! And I've got mad skillz.

Marsha Sigman said...

I have decided not to watch this movie. I am not sure my fragile psyche could handle those depressing writery references or seeing J. Love do coke.

I am still watching Ghost Whisperer. I don't even care.

Regarding writer butt...I try never to look at myself from behind or upside down. Somethings I don't want to know.

Kristi Helvig said...

You ladies are awesome--and educational. I never knew about the correlation between coke and cake making. Who knew?

Hayley said...

confession:

I'm working at a candy store, and I hate it.

second confession:

I watched the client list and liked it.

Simon C. Larter said...

I would like to extend my profuse thanks for alerting me to the existence of this movie. I mean, I could've found out about it through IMDB, but I'm a really unmotivated stalker.

Actually, come to think of it, I hadn't though about JLove since Heartbreakers, so thanks for the reminder, LiLa. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Sharon Kendrew said...

Love it! And thanks Ms J for pointing me back to LiLa's blog!

I confess to now wanting to watch the movie (can't remember the last time I watched Lifetime) and write a similar blog while watching Secret Life of an American Teenager.

Meredith said...

Thank you so, so much. I really needed to laugh today :) Love J-Love!

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