0:01:39 - Advice from J. Love to her 9-year-old daughter: "Life is easier if you're pretty. Does a girl no good to be good at video games." Tough love, J. Love. Tough love.
0:02:57 - Advice from J. Love to her Cougar-esque mother: "These scientists did a test and found out that the smell of pumpkin brings blood flow to a man's you know what faster than anything else." I'm surprised she didn't mention anything about vagazzles.
0:06:05 - Wow, for a character who supposedly got bamboozled into an adjustable rate mortgage, J. Love is surprisingly knowledgeable about the current mortgage crisis.
0:09:07 - Ruh-roh. J. Love got a job at the Kind Touch Health Spa. Something tells me the touch is going to be a little kinder than she had bargained for...
0:09:25 - Even better the characters keep saying the name of the spa over and over again in conversation. "Hey, what time do you have to report to Kind Touch Health Spa for work in the morning?" Awesome.
0:12:04 - Did you hear that? It's the sound of my sobs echoing from Cleveland. The Madame of Kind Touch Health Spa just revealed that she originally dreamed of being a novelist, but "turning tricks pays much better." I think I'm going to need more ice cream.
0:12:43 - And the hits just keep on comin'. when one of the ladies makes reference to doing a "teensy bit more" than just a massage, J. Love asks for more info and the Madame responds with "Well, like my writin' teacher always says, show me don't tell me." And now they're watching an underage hooker and her John from a two way mirror. Somewhere in Maine Stephen King is weeping.
0:17:36 - "This is America! A girl looks pretty she's not supposed to be poor." On a private jet somewhere between here and Dubai, Paris Hilton is nodding her head as she watches this cinematic masterpiece.
0:22:49 - J. Love is christened Brandy ("because she'll go down real smooth") and one of her hooker friends confesses she ran away from home to try out for American Idol, but they told her she wasn't ready. Now she's turning tricks to save for a singing coach. Who says the American Dream is dead?
0:44:10 - J. Love is a very busy hooker, mostly because she brings her clients cookies. Well played, J. Love. Well played.
0:47:09 - The only problem with being the most popular hooker at the Kind Touch Health Spa is that J. Love is VERY tired. Good thing one of her thoughtful clients brings her some coke. I'm predicting a Jessie Spano style breakdown in short order. I could not be more excited.
0:49:15 - Note to self: If you make a cake while high on cocaine apparently you'll be ready to compete on Cake Wars.
0:55:03 - I've never seen so much nose rubbing combined with extended bathroom trips in my entire life. Good old Brandy is looking deliciously twitchy.
0:59:02 - Yowsers, the Kind Touch was busted and J. Love's husband caught it on the evening news. Something tells me this one doesn't end like Pretty Woman...
1:07:31 - AND we've had the requisite Tiger Woods reference. I think it's time to start wrapping this up, don't you?
1:23:23 - The moral of the story for young women across America: Low on cash? Become a hooker, make loads of money and then sell out all your clients when you get caught to avoid jail time. As the working gals in the movie are so fond of saying, "Beats waitressing!"
1:25:33 - Oh delicious irony, now J. Love is a waitress.
1:31:02 - And they all live happily ever after. J. Love gets her husband back in Chuck E. Cheese's and I'm left feeling slightly nauseous after eating way too much ice cream and pondering the parallels between my double life as a writer/mother and J. Love's double life as a hooker/mother.
- We both have a hard time waking up in the morning on account of all the late nights.
- We have moments where we snap at our kids; and
- Our husbands occasionally threaten to leave us if we don't stop working so hard.
I guess the main difference is that J. Love got super skinny as she was further embroiled in her double life as a whore and I just keep getting fatter and fatter as I consume more and more Twizzlers to feed my muse. Of course, I'll take writer's butt over a coke habit any day of the week.
How's that for a random truth this Tuesday? Let's hear what you've got to confess in the comments.