Wednesday, September 8, 2010

WTF Wednesday - The Hilton Edition

Ok, so it's no secret that we kind of idolize the Hilton sisters. I mean we're clearly trying to position ourselves at the Hiltons of the Midwest in our blog profile:

The Hilton Sisters - spray tans + brains - 4 inches + 20 (ok, fine...30...50...75 - Hey, Lisa's 9 months prego and the Hiltons haven't consumed solid food since the late 90's, so cut us some slack!) pounds ÷ Cleveland, OH = Lisa and Laura Roecker

Laura has always felt a special connection to Paris. She was born four days before her, she wrote a book and they both enjoy posting random pictures of ourselves on Twitter.

Naturally, when we learned that she was busted for cocaine possession in Las Vegas, we assumed the charges were wrong. Thankfully she cleared everything up when she explained that she had mistaken the cocaine for gum. I mean, it's pretty much common knowledge that ALL the celebutantes prefer their gum in the form of white powder. Just ask LiLo!

But flitting off to Hawaii afterwards? Really? WTF? 


As for Nikki, we've always thought of her as the more laid back, chill Hilton sister and now she's gone and shot that image to shit with her new BlueFly commercials. I mean, "everything in moderation?" How can she even utter those words with a straight face while surrounded by hundreds of pairs of shoes that average $1,000 a pop. WTF, Nikki? Are you snorting your gum again?

We're feeling a little disillusioned by the Hiltons' fall from grace. Hey, quit laughing. These were our ROLE MODELS, people!

Dearest Paris and Nikki,

Your Louboutins will be hard to fill, but it's time to part ways with your overly faux tanned, coke whorish ways. We'll miss your empty, soulless eyes the most. 

Kisses,
L&L

Now that we're completely bereft of role models, we'd deeply appreciate your best suggestions for a new About LiLa  section in the comments. And don't forget to share any WTF-ery rants. 

32 comments:

Matthew Rush said...

Divided by Cleveland? What does that mean exactly? That at least you don't have any successful sports teams to distract from your rising stars? Ouch. That was kind of mean.

Or wait, maybe you could work that into your new About LiLa section?

"The Quasimodos of the Query, the Official Idea ... erm, Escorts, the biatches who brought you Books are the New Black, Lisa and Laura Roecker are from Cleveland, where ..."

Yeah that was kind of mean too, damn!

You guys will come up with something. Maybe focus on how nice you are to other writers and how much so many of us look up to you. I'm being serious there, in that last part.

salarsenッ said...

You both get my vote for new Hilton sisters, hands down!! Is she really wearing that???

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm sure their older, non-controversial family members are shaking their heads, and their ancestors are groaning. Just think, one day they'll actually reproduce. Eeek!

Dominique said...

This post made me smile. :)

Claire Dawn said...

I am a great role model. I -er, am, um,... let me get back to you on why :)

Michelle McLean said...

Ha! I just found it hilarious/interesting that the only reason the police found her coke/gum was that she just had to have her lip gloss while she was sitting there with them (seriously, who sits there being grilled by cops and then says "Oh, I must have some lip gloss STAT)- and then the drugs conveniently and literally fell right into the officer's hands....and all this happened mere days after a bunch of stuff about how Paris was jealous of Kim Kardashian's fame was splashed all over the tabloids (not that I read them) *ahem*

It just seemed a bit staged for me - a tiny amount of drugs that probably wouldn't get her more than probation but certainly got her face plastered all over the headlines again.

You could definitely do better :)

Dara said...

WTF is going on with her outfit?! It looks like vomit.

Elana Johnson said...

I'm drawing a blank for your new role models. But I'm glad you do these posts, because they're the only way I keep up with anything current. Sad, yet true...

Piedmont Writer said...

Truth be told, I kind of like Matthew's (Just this part though b/c Quasimodo is definitely insulting)

The Biatches who brought you - Books are the New Black -- that is so you guys.

Urban, hip, Clevelandish.

As for Paris, I hate her guts. A man friend of mine once said (and I quote) "You would have to be Paris Hilton in order to get your book published." And no, I haven't spoken to him since.

Sara B. Larson said...

Hmmm... role models? The Bush Twins? Ha ha, jk. I have no clue. But I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Sara B. Larson said...

Hmmm... role models? The Bush Twins? Ha ha, jk. I have no clue. But I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Marsha Sigman said...

Paris could be the inspiration behind the new Coke Ho Barbie.

And of course, you must have Pimp Daddy Ken to go with her.

Yat-Yee said...

There are enough sisters among Jon and Kate's kids...

Stephanie said...

LOL! Great post!! You had me chuckling!!!

Kelly said...

Hee! Fun post!
Once a coke whore always a coke whore.
Paris blows.

Mariah Irvin said...

Oh, the shoes! *pets computer screen*

Wait, did I miss the point of this post?

roxy said...

I'm just really sad . . . *sniffling and choking on powdered gum* I don't think I can make a real comment right now.

KM said...

Well, if nothing else, Paris' purse is rockin. Gotta give her that. :)

SWK said...

Okay, my idols are Angela Lansbury and Betty White. Don't laugh! They're neither tan nor snappy dressers but at least they don't chew "gum"! As always, a grin-inducing post. - Stasia

Sarah said...

Hilarious post. For your new role models...may I suggest the other Lisa and Laura? Or the Olsen Twins? Maybe even Jess and Ashlee.

Simon C. Larter said...

Welcome back from vacation, ladies! Glad you had a wonderful time, and thanks for informing me of a french-fry container's capacity for vomit containment. I can see that information coming in handy in the future.

As for your celeb-comparison woes,have you considered the Simpson sisters? One's blonde, one's dark-haired. It could work. Or, uh, the Kardashians? Although I really have no reason to recommend them other than that I think Kim's easy on the eyes.

The Olsen twins?

Amanda Sablan said...

The Hilton sisters haven't consumed solid food since the late 90s, ha!

Solvang Sherrie said...

Powdered gum? Seriously? Doesn't she even know about pixie stix? Ugh.

ali said...

Oh LiLa. You gotta stay true, girls. I mean, one day some lowly little sisters from Podunkville are going to be looking up to YOU. Would you suggest they drop you like yesterday's cheese at the first (oh, okay, like the zillionth - but still!) time you mess you up? Where's your loyalty?

Tere Kirkland said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Dudes, I just watched Tim Gunn on TDS last night, and he is officially my new idol. I've been saying "Make it WORK!" in my head a lot lately, anyway. ;)

Guh, wouldn't it be crazy if Paris got in some freak snorkeling accident where a stingray bit her nose off? A girl can dream. A girl can dream.

Jared Larson said...

You can just be the Bad-Asses. It doesn't imply anything sisterly, but who cares, you're bad-ass.
I second what Matt said. You have been a huge benefit for some of us writers climbing the ropes. Maybe you can go the opposite way, something Mr. Rogersish, like... The Sisters of Helpfulville– or The Sisters of Kindness Street.
Never mind. Stick with the Bad-Assness of LiLa

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

OMG, my favorite day. My FAVORITE DAY, I tell you. Hahahahaha!

I heart you guys.

Elliot Grace said...

...funny stuff, ladies:)

Paris can get away with anything...and she knows it. (I'm doubting the heiress is as stupid as she's allowing everyone to believe.)

Thumbs up on your blog from a fellow Ohioan:)

Jemi Fraser said...

My bios are the most boring in history - I never remember about them until a post like this and then I think I need to change them. But who has time??? One of these days... :)

Lynn said...

Hilarious.
I draw a blank like Elana but I did like seeing Paris get her head chopped off in Supernatural.

Lori W. said...

Too funny. New role models? There aren't any sisters on Glee, so hmm, maybe something old school . . . tough one.

Wannabe Writer said...

Don't be too quick to write off the Hiltons! I hear the best powdered gum in the world comes from Hawaii.

Don't call this a comeback

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