Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Things I Learned While Painting My Kitchen

1. If you call Stacey more than once a day she starts screening your calls.

2. You really can get a contact buzz from paint fumes.

3. The aforementioned buzz is not a fun buzz but more of a mind bending, dizzying, groggy type situation that leads to you painting entire walls the wrong color.

4. Centrifugal force is not your friend when using a paint roller.*

5. The Regulator does not like hearing about me doing things half-assed. For example:

Me: Hi Mom.
The Regulator: You've called me like 5 times today.
Me: I know. Laura just had a baby and Stacey isn't picking up. You're the only one who never screens my calls.
The Regulator: Real nice, Lisa.
Me: I'm a terrible painter.
The Regulator: You're already painting? What room did you start with?
Me: The kitchen.
The Regulator: I thought you liked the red. (Translation: I've always hated that color, thank GOD you're finally doing something about it.)
Me: Yeah, it's just sort of dated.
The Regulator: I hope you're not cutting corners.
Me: I'm cutting every corner possible.
The Regulator: *Deep, tortured, sigh that roughly translates to this: Why God, WHY did  I birth such a lazy, worthless daughter who can't even be bothered to properly slap up a coat of paint on her hopelessly out of date home?!?*
Me: Awesome. Talk to you later.

Tonight I'm painting the dining room. Pray for me.

*Per Josin L. McQueinYou have incited the wrath of my inner science geek. It's CENTRIPETAL force. "Centrifugal force" doesn't actually exist the way most people think. 


Thanks Josin! I'd like to blame the paint fumes, but the truth is I just suck at science. Thank God we have smart blog readers.

11 comments:

Matthew MacNish said...

By yourself? You guys don't have any brothers, do you?

Josin L. McQuein said...

You have incited the wrath of my inner science geek. It's CENTRIPETAL force. "Centrifugal force" doesn't actually exist the way most people think.

/rant

:-D

Stacey Vaughan said...

better learn to be more efficient with your calls....

Marsha Sigman said...

I painted my living room all by myself. Then I moved all the furniture around to cover my mistakes. I think it looks great.

Good Luck!

Rhonda said...

Uh - painting should ALWAYS be done with a BIG bottle of wine. I don't think it helps with the actual painting process but it definitely helps with the painting induced angst.

Krispy said...

No friends to enlist? I'm sure it's fine. You are so productive! This is good!

Tere Kirkland said...

I would've said:

"Duh, Mom, it's painting, of course I'm cutting in at the corners."

;)

I'm sure you're doing an excellent job! Just keep rolling!

Katie Anderson said...

Ha! Tere's funny.

blackheartbetty said...

I painted my son's room. I put one coat up and abandoned it. I will finish.. one day

Dianne K. Salerni said...

I thought you liked the red. (Translation: I've always hated that color, thank GOD you're finally doing something about it.)

*Laugh, gasp, snort, fall out of chair*

Your mom was channeling my mom right there!

Erica said...

I think I would like to be The Regulator when I grow up.

Don't call this a comeback

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