Friday, December 18, 2009

Lisa Roecker and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Let me preface this by saying there were a lot of events leading up to this day. First off, my friend and I took our sons to see The Fantastic Mr. Fox the night before. In retrospect it probably would have been a good idea to do some research around the plot and to consider going to an earlier showing.

Here's a transcript from my hilarious friend recapping the evening for you. Keep in mind that her husband was already semi-annoyed that she chose to keep Jack's bestie out this late "on a school night."

Dad: How was the movie?
Jack's bestie: Good.
Dad: What movie was it?
Jack's bestie: Don't know.
Dad: Well, what was the movie about?
Jack's bestie: Don't know. Ask Mom.
Dad: You don't remember anything about the movie? What was one thing you remember about the movie?

*dramatic pause*

Jack's bestie: There was this really good part where the farmers got their shooters and started shooting at a tree and the foxes. There were lots of guns and it was really scary and they were really bad men.

*dramatic pause*

Dad: Great.

Fast forward to the next morning.

8:00 AM - Jack drags himself out of bed. Gets very excited to learn that he can wear his pajamas to school for the big Snow Day Party. He refuses to go to the bathroom, but I decide to call it even since I don't have to force him out of his pajamas and into his school clothes.

8:51 AM - Drop kids off at school and find out that several parents sent in their money for the class gift a day late which leaves me about two hours to buy additional gifts for the teachers. Being the room mom really is a bitch.

9:05 AM - Arrive at mall to purchase gifts for teachers only to find out the mall doesn't open until 10 AM.

Stacey: (sounding hoarse and groggy) Hello?
Lisa: Hey. How long does it take you to make stationary?
Stacey: (sounding suspicious) Why?
Lisa: Just wondering...
Stacey: I can make it quickly. When do you need it?
Lisa: In an hour.
Stacey: *coughs*
Lisa: Did I wake you up?
Stacey: I was just taking a little nap.
Lisa: Crap.

9:30 AM: Arrive back home to place PayPal order for the stationary to make sure Stacey actually accepts payment. She's notoriously bad at cashing my checks.

9:39 AM: Check Jack's class list to see who paid for the gifts and who didn't. Realize that I gave Stacey an incorrect spelling for one of the teacher's names. Swear profusely and call Stacey immediately.

Lisa: Have you already printed Mrs. D's cards?
Stacey: Yeah....
Lisa: $%^&
Stacey: What?
Lisa: I spelled her $%&^*(& name wrong.
Stacey: %$#&
Lisa: I know. Just forget it.
Stacey: No way, I'll print new ones.
Lisa: I love you.

9:55 AM - Leave my house, double check the door is locked and head to my car. Reach into my pocket for my keys only to find they're not there. %$#&. Check under the door mat for spare key, not there. %$#@.

9:56 AM - Cry a little.

9:57 AM - Grab the Little Tykes slide from the garage and drag it around the perimeter of my house trying to break in through one of our windows only to find they're all locked.

10:05 AM - Notice that I can't feel my hands anymore.

10:06 AM - Find Jack's Lightning McQueen gloves in the trunk and stuff my hands into them.

10:07 AM - Begin trying all the windows again. One last try before I call Stacey and beg her to drive me to Jack's school. The grip on the McQueen gloves gives me just enough leverage to pop open one of my family room windows.

10:08 AM - Marvel at how easy it is to break into my house.

10:09 AM - Try to squeeze past Christmas tree in my huge down coat.

10:10 AM - Fail. The entire Christmas tree comes crashing down.

10:11 AM - Cry a little.

10:20 AM - Cards have been picked up and I'm off to Jack's school.

Editorial note: Loyal readers will remember that there is a bat shit crazy woman in Jack's preschool class who insisted that all of the food at the school party be made of fruit and air. Just a quick reminder as she proved to be yet another leading factor in Lisa's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day.

10:46 AM - Arrive in Jack's classroom and witness bat shit crazy mom flipping out at one of the other parents for bringing cupcakes.

10:47 AM - Hear bat shit crazy mom telling another parent about her son's clown phobia. She just wanted to verify that no one was planning on hiring a clown for the end of the school party in JUNE. JUNE!

10:48 AM - Bite my tongue so hard that I taste blood.

10:49 AM - Help the children make Marshmallow Snowmen.

10:50 AM - Stress eat a Twizzler.

10:55 AM - Try to assist the kids in getting their snowmen into little personalized bags to take home. As I'm helping Jack he bites the head off his snowman and laughs at me.

10:56 AM - Practice yoga breathing.

10:57 AM - Stress eat another Twizzler.

11:09 AM - Treats have been distributed and Jack eats them all within seconds and wants more. I quietly tell him that he's had enough and he screams "This is the worst party ever!" and throws his juice box across the room.

11:10 AM - Do the walk of shame across the room to pick up the juice box and practice my yoga breathing.

11:11 AM - Stress eat another Twizzler.

11:12 AM - Teacher asks me if I'll be taking Jack home after the party and I smile brightly and say "Oh no, he has extended day today. Remember?"

11:13 AM - Teacher cries a little.

11:30 AM - Call my husband to inform him that I'll be enrolling his son in military school and he reminds me that it was my decision to keep him out until 9:30 PM the night before.

11:31 AM - Cry a little.

11:32 AM - Stress eat all of the remaining Twizzlers.

11:34 AM - Call the aforementioned hilarious friend to relay the events of the party, specifically the new information about the clown phobia. Hilarious friend claims she's going to start doing carpool dressed as a clown.

11:35 AM - Come dangerously close to peeing my pants.

11:47 AM - Back home. Assess damage to our Christmas tree.

11:48 AM - Cry a little.

11:49 AM - Remind myself that at least I'll get a decent blog post out of this.

Happy Friday everyone! Have a fabulous weekend!


Tana said...

SO funny. You told it so well. Now I must pray I haven't picked up a curse that will lead to my own very bad day. BTW, Tell said mom to beware of the Christmas clown. His name is Santa Cause. Hilarious.

Rachele Alpine said...

Oh my gosh, that is a very bad day! Wow! At least you had twizzlers! Personally, I eat gummi peaches when things are going bad! Here's to hoping for a better weekend for you!

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha ha ha ha! Next time you think you are having a bad day, you can read this post and it is sure to cheer you up!

Ian said...

This was the funniest gosh darn thing ever. Sorry you had such a horrible day but it made for a very creative writeup. This one for sure will be nominated for the "you think you are having a bad day" end of year award on my blog.

Have a good weekend!

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

Hilarious friends are the best medicine for terrrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.
I cringe, weep, laugh with you and hope today is a wonderful, marvelous, so good, very great day.

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

OMG!! I haven't laughed so hard in awhile! Your poor Christmas tree! I think it's time for me to come to Ohio and form a little vegan-gluten free intervention with the crazy mom! That is NOT how we do things! Pyscho pyscho psycho! I swear there are normal restrictive food eaters in the world. This totally reminds me of the time I shoved my dance partner through the window of a church we used to practice in--I couldn't find my key and we had to stand on an upside down trashcan to push her butt through a window, then she had to race up the stairs and turn the alarm off before the cops came. Good times. Hope your weekend improves.

Melissa (i swim for oceans) said...

Oh gosh...I'm sorry I giggled at this sad, sad story! But you're right - at least it was a great blog!

Stormi said...

Oh you poor thing, but that was so

My friend told me recently that she was NEVER being homeroom mother I think she could relate to this story. :)

Courtney Barr - The Southern Princess said...

Though I did laugh at a few of the instances especially 'bat shit crazy woman' My heart broke for you! What an awful day. Though you did get a blog post and ate Twizzlers for comfort.... still my thoughts are definitely with you this weekend!

Oh and next time be sure to somehow make marshmallow clowns...just a thought ;o)

Christina Lee said...

**smiles** get OUT--did you add the tree crashing down for dramatic effect?? and the parents talking about JUNE--hahahaha

Ian said...

Just dropping another note to let you know that this post has been nominated for the "you think you are having a bad day" year end award on my blog. Good luck!

Carolina M. Valdez Schneider said...

Oh my word, I think I cried a little with you. Taht is definitely one of the worst days ever. But, could have been worse, I guess. At least you weren't arrested for breaking into your own home. And you could have a cousin Eddie coming to visit. That would definitely bite.

Happy Holidays! But if you feel like indulging in some ice cream and pink furry boots, I don't think anyone could blame you.

Donna Gambale said...

Wow. Just... wow. Hilarious to read, but it must've been awful! Except for the Twizzlers.

Unknown said...

Okay, talk about coming dangerously close to peeing in your post.

DarcyO said...

Very bad day for you. Very funny story for us! Thanks for sharing it.

Rebecca L Sutton said...

Love this post. Hilarious. Feel sorry for you though! That is one nasty day. I think I laughed the most at picturing you rocking the Lightning McQueen gloves while breaking in the house.

Valerie Geary said...

Yowzer yowzer yowzer!! Who needs Christmas trees anyway? :)

Loretta Nyhan said...

I think you need prosecco intravenously.

Why is it I always think of I Love Lucy when I read your posts?

Alissa Grosso said...

Well, at least you did get a funny blog post out of this, and I have locked myself out of the house on more than one occasion, only to learn just how easy it is to break into the house!

Tamika: said...

What a story! I love your resilience, girl you never gave up. Good for you- and good you had all those Twizzlers near by!

Sherrie Petersen said...

Oh, Lisa, I'm crying. That's too funny! Especially your friend doing carpool dressed as a clown! I hope none of your ornaments broke when the tree fell. And I hope your weekend goes better than your horrible, no good, very bad day :)

Unknown said...

Oh man, I am SO sorry! I'm cringing over here if it makes you feel better... I hope your tree didn't suffer too much damage.

Just remember that it wouldn't be any better in Australia. ;)

Elana Johnson said...

And that was only two hours!! Man, I wish I knew what a full 24 was like for you. Or maybe I don't...

Ha ha!

Katie Anderson said...

I am laughing OUT LOUD!! This is so durn funny and I am so so sorry. At least you have the uber talented Stacey as your sister (who I now ADORE!!!)

What a total nightmare! Might be the best blog post ever.

I laughed out loud at the treats made of fruit and AIR.
Still laughing.

*exhales and giggles some more.

Stephanie Thornton said...

Oh my- I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry for you! But really, one day you'll be able to look back on all this and laugh, right?

Unknown said...

Hi :)
Thank you for the fun post!
It would make a great little short movie.
Merry Christmas,

Rebecca Knight said...

At the point where you had to do the juice box walk of shame, I cringed and facepalmed--poo icing on the crap cupcake, my friend.

Here's hoping you have a fantastic evening, involving a giant stein full of prosecco and a twizzler straw :). *Love* going your way!

Jill Kemerer said...

What a nightmare!! I'm room mom too, and we're making marshallow snowmen next week! I can only hope my day is not as horrific as yours.
Have a great weekend!

Artemis Grey said...

Okay, so I snorted coffe through my nose while reading that and now I can't smell anything but this odd burnt dirt odor...

Sobbing hysterical, that transcript!

Too bad about the movie.

My mother teaches preschool, so bat shit moms are something I've seen a lot of in my time. It seems to me that you either stand there laughing like a maniac at their ranting or you have to run for your life every time you see them turn the corner down the hall. There have been a few my mom has actually had to avoid (not parents of her own kids obviously) because she knew she wouldn't be able to physically restrain herself if she was in close proximity to them.

As for the climbing in the window... I've done that a few times too. Once, I got halfway through the window and heard growling. Four cats were lined up on the bed puffed up huge and mouths agape at me, prepared for battle.

The most recent occurance of self-breaking and entering though, involved one of those damnable scoffold ladders that makes various shapes. I had it locked out straight but it was making ominous cranking noises. Then while I'm hanging partway wedged through the window wearing jeans and a threadbare work bra because my shirt was too baggy to fit, my mom and sister start yelling at the same time. Mom that everything's fine, my sister that I should 'crouch on the window sill and then jump to my bed' (like I'm capable of that kung-fu shit) because I've got paintings and canvases leaned up against the wall under the window. Turns out that my neighbor (retired power company worker) had seen us and come over to help... yeah...

Emily J. Griffin said...

*fishes pink Uggs out of closet*

This (and trust me when I tell you this is saying a lot) may be my ALL TIME favorite post of yours. Your day was terrible, but your delivery was perfect. I now expect an entire novel told only through increments of time. Paragraphs be damned.

Dara said...

Awww, I'm sorry about your bad day! It seems like when one thing goes wrong, a million others follow.

And I so would've been the parent that brought the cupcakes and made bat sh*t crazy woman go nuts. I fully plan on being a pain in the rear for crazy moms like that when the time comes...

Tere Kirkland said...

I cried a little when I realized this was just a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad MORNING!

Poor Lisa.

But just think, next week, this will be hilarious! ;)

Conda Douglas said...

Oh my! This post made me feel so much better about my own Christmas chaos!

Anonymous said...

On the plus side, at least you didn't leave your packet of Twizzlers at home. Perhaps happy hour can begin early tonight?

Sara {Rhapsody and Chaos} said...

Okay - I was taught never to laugh at other's misfortunes, but COME ON! Oh lord, I can so feel the frustration I know you felt. But this is a fantastic blog post - and hopefully you can look back in a while (maybe tomorrow even?) and laugh as loudly as I did while reading it :-)

Here's to a FANTASTIC weekend to make up for the tears! xo

Shannon O'Donnell said...

That is NOT funny. *coughs* Really, not funny. *Snorts aloud at desk and students turn to look at her*

I can't believe anyone would laugh at such a horrible string of bad luck! myvd hiujv shcisd fnlkduio sfhbn casdyf cbsh sfkl.

Oops. My fingers were having difficulty finding the right keys. (but I'm not laughing hysterically. Really).

- said...

And I thought being a writer was difficult. I can't imagine being a writer and a parent AND a room mom.

Also, I'm probably going to steal Jack's line every time I don't get my way. Example:
me: Mind if I finish off the coffee?
boyf: Uh, I already did.

Anissa said...

Start mainlining Twizlers now. ;)

K. M. Walton said...

Sweet mother of god that is freaking hilarious. I'm sitting at my desk and laughing out loud. Seriously. I needed that laugh, big time!!!!!!!

Have a WONDERFUL deserve it.

Kerri Cuev said...

Oh Boy! I don't want to laugh because I would be swearing up a storm if it were me, but your account of the day was pretty funny!

I would have downed a couple of chocolate bars and left the x-mas tree on the ground lol!

Take the weekend off, and thanks for the warning about how not fantastic Mr. Fox is!

Krispy said...

Wow, what a day. Made me stressed just reading about it. Haha. Well, at least now it's the weekend right?

Silver lining! :)

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

That is a terrible day. But at least it gave you a great post. I hope you have a fabulous weekend and will be able to block out all pain from this horrible, no good, very bad day.

XiXi said...

I mean, I guess there's really nothing to make you feel better after that, but here are some cheer-er uppers.

1) This is a HILARIOUS post.

2) At least you are not Bat Shit Crazy Mother.

Ryan S. Kinsgrove said...

This is exactly what I needed as a pick me up for my crappy day. Thank you very much and I hope your day has gotten better:)

lexcade said...

at least you have bad days that, when you calm down and look at this post again, are funny. :)

at least it's the weekend, right?

sunna said...

Lord, woman. You need a toddy and a footrub.

If it's any consolation, your talent for turning a very bad day into something so funny I wheeze-laughed over it until Her Dogginess got worried I was choking to death, is astounding.

Jemi Fraser said...

Thank Heavens for Twizzlers. About the ONLY way to survive a day like that. Yikes!!!

I would definitely suggest a clown theme for everything for the rest of the school year. Well worth it.

Kimberly Franklin said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That sounds like this worst day. Ever. But, when you put it all together like that it's hard not to laugh. Then again, if it happened to me I think I would have broke down towards the beginning and just given up. : )

Hope your weekend goes more smoothly!

Sumayyah said...

I can't believe I just found this blog, haha. I'm sorry you had such an awful day - though you tell it with hilarity. It gave me the giggles, though haha. :)

Christine Fonseca said...

So sorry fr your rough day...but srsly - HYSTERICAL retelling!@!! HYSTERICAL@!

Kristi Faith said...

Oh darling,Lisa. :( How awful for you. I think I would have dropped to the ground with a full on tantrum the minute my kid threw the juicebox (or as mine did yesterday-tell the person that gave them a gift that she really doesn't like it. OMG!)And you held up so well!!

Here's to much, much better days ahead luv!

Gail said...

OMG!! I laughed so hard, I have to get new underwear!!! I thought my day was bad (check my blog post for today!) Lisa, you are just too funny. And as a retired teacher, I don't miss the BS crazy parent that I had every year!!!!!
I better stay away from googl- I know you're tempted to find a clown costume now :-)

Melissa Hurst said...

I feel so guilty laughing at your bad day! But you do have a way with words:)

I taught elementary school up until this past May, so when you said the teacher cried a little, I totally understood. And I've done the walk of shame more times than I care to admit!

lexcade said...

thanks for the kind word, ladies. always appreciated :)

here's to a great weekend!

The Blogger Girlz said...

LOL! You crack me up-and totally made my awful Friday into a totally AWESOME one! :D <3

Thanks! Hope your Saturday goes better then today!


Jeannie Lin said...

Well, it's not a huge consolation, but TGIF?

Dana Elmendorf said...

11:34am Friend threatening to dress up as a clown during drive thru, I almost peed my pants. Too funny. Alexander never had it so bad.

I'm glad you survived.

ann foxlee said...

Seriously, I had a coughing fit by the end of your post, I was laughing so hard!

Oh man, thanks for the laugh, even if it was at your expense...

Little Ms J said...

So, you keep the Twizzlers with you, eh?

So, if you do a lot of coke you scratch your nose constantly. If you take a lot of... shit, I can't remember... you clench your jaw. Then there's those other drugs that make your eyes roll all funny. So, when you're sucking down Twizzlers as if they're ciggies, do you get the shakes? With most substances your hair starts to dry out at the ends and your skin turns paper thin. I REALLY MUST KNOW. What are you going to look like in five years with your Twizzler addiction? What is the tell?

I loved this blog. Cracked me up.

Kim said...

LMAO! I can totally relate to this. I swear this was my life for the past five years. This is my first year NOT being a room mom and dealing with the bat shit crazies. I soooo feel your pain. Hope tomorrow is a better day.


Oh my my. How in the world did I miss this post? Lisa, I heart you. And I hope your Saturday and Sunday where way less terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad than your Friday.

(side note: the clown phobic, air-eating mom is just asking to have a character made out of her. Don't ya think?)

Ian said...

Congrats and good luck. This post has been nominated for Post of the Year!

Ian said...

Lisa, I am so very sorry you had a terrible, horrible, no good day....but it's earned you a blog award!

Congrats, and hopefully better days are ahead of you.

Your award awaits...

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