Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Waxing Poetic Wednesday

It's shaping up to be artifacts week in LiLa land. Turns out the Regulator has been a-regulating--mainly in the form of threatening to trash all of our old junk unless we dump it in our own basements. Thankfully I dug through my pile before she incinerated it because beneath my old yearbooks, ratty-looking stuffed animals and piles of bent birthday cards, I pulled out Laura Roecker's Writing Folder.

Duh duh duh.

Here's my dirty little secret. I used to write poems. Lots of them. In the margins of my notebooks, in random journals, on my mom's stationary. Everywhere. They were angsty, severely depressing, mildly alarming poems. The kind of crap Dr. Seuss would write if he were clinically depressed and going through puberty. Back when I was 15 I considered them art, but these days their primary purpose is to entertain.

This poem was written in 7th grade. And yes, it rhymes.

Editorial Note: Since I do not have access to a scanner, I have maintained authentic spelling/punctuation. It's funnier that way.

Untitled by Laura Roecker

What was going through your mind?
How could you do a thing of this kind?
Do you understand taht you have no friends?
Beleive me Jenn this is the end.
Through all the memories we have shared
I actually thought you really cared
But now I know, what I should of known before
You are not my friend, your just a horror
Do you know what a friendship means?
Obviously not for all I have seen
I've seen the hate in your heart
Which I actually saw from the start
Well, through all that us friends
have been through
I have to say, Jenn I hate you!
Your a backstabbing, self centered, no good, selfish, lowdown, freakin bitch friend*
What was the message you were trying to send?
You hurt everyone and now it is our turn
and you really have a huge lesson to learn.
Who knows, you will probably do this again!
And to think these fights are all over men?!
Who are you to say that I am at fault
You come off as if your in a cult!
Go away, leave me alone
don't talk to me, or call me on the phone
You are not my friend, that it is all.
I will not help you when you fall.
For, have you helped me?
Well, if you have, I can't see!
Good luck finding friends hopefully youll have something else to lend.
I was not helped when I fell, no longer will you be helped by me,
so Jenn Orlando**, please Go to Hell!

*All-time favorite part. I had originally written bitch, but scratched it out and wrote friend above it.
**Name changed to protect the innocent.
***Ironically, this particular poem was written on stationary that features a butterfly and flower with the quote, "You are quite remarkable! You take it all in stride." There doesn't appear to be a whole lot of taking it in stride going on here.

There's more where this came from. Get excited.


Rachele Alpine said...

I love it! Ha! Bring on more of the teenage writing! I have some gems that I'm waiting to debut on my blog. My poor mom and sister got a lot of my anger in elementary school, but it was all important anger...directed at things like not letting me stay up late to watch a movie or sending me to my room!

Unknown said...

HAHAHA! Oh, this is a treasure! ;-)

I can see my own daughter writing something similar. I'm too scared to pull out any of my old poems, but I just might have to do it.

Alissa Grosso said...

Thank you for making me laugh this morning! I love the part where you changed bitch to friend. I was never much of a poetry writer myself, but I did have this weird concept for this book of dark love poems that I started in high school. Thankfully, I didn't get too far into it, but I remember finding it a few years ago and laughing my butt off.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that's just awesome. It makes me wish I could reciprocate with some of my wonderful juvenalia. Except I didn't write poetry much back then. But a clinically depressed Dr. Seuss going through puberty? Let me think...

On a rather hot day in the jungle of Nool
While Horton sat deep in the cool of the pool
He thought to himself, Why am I such a clown?
Perhaps I should just lay right back here and drown.
The monkeys, they hate me, they pull at my ears
And it's hard to eat food when you're choking on tears.
What the hell did I do? Why are they so offended?
Perhaps it is time that my sad, sad life ended.

And so on.

Um. Is it bad of me to write this in your comment section? I mean, it's a PG blog after all, right? Er...

Summer Frey said...

I love angsty youth poems. Thank goodness I didn't discover poetry until college!

I love all the awkward structuring to get it to rhyme...

Simon, brilliant depressed Seuss!

storyqueen said...

favorite rhyme? before and horror!

This is classic.


Melissa said...

That rocks!!! Definitely a winner!

Tess said...

Ha! I wrote many similarly lousy (sorry, but you know it's true) poems back in the day. Oh, the drama of youth ;)

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

Hahah that's awesome! Your poetry sounds like mine! Oy!

Kimberly Derting said...

I love how you refer to 7th grade boys as "men". Unless, of course, you were actually fighting over your teachers or some other male rold models in your lives. In which case the authorities may need to be involved.

So glad you decided to share!

Unknown said...

Note to Self: Keep on Laura Roecker's good list **at all cost**. :)

Loretta Nyhan said...

OK, I read that poem 10 minutes ago and I'm still laughing...

Melissa Sarno said...

This is wonderful! I love looking through old notes from school and some of my 'creative' writing when I was young. What ever happened between you and this evil Jenn?!

Stephanie Thornton said...

I almost snorted my peanut butter toast! Isn't teenage angst just wonderful? I occasionally read a note found in my classroom. Sometimes I get more info than I want and sometimes I get a chuckle.

Emily J. Griffin said...

This is amazing. I am now determined to find some of my old angtsy poems too.

Sometimes when I was really mad, I would write them on the whiteboard (I thought it was super cool to have my own little framed dry erase board) and leave them out for my mom to see. Usually it was meant to be and f-u to parents at large for ruining the lives of all teenagers, but one time I found myself called into the counselor's office at school as my mom found my angst a little too terrifying. I told her it was "art."

confused homemaker said...

LMAO! Jenn Orlando must have never known what hit her with this piece of angst ridden prose.

Carolyn V. said...

I couldn't stop laughing when you mentioned what the poem was written on. "You are quite remarkable!" OH, that is just funny. =)

Dara said...

Ha! That's great. If anything I'm sure it made you feel better after you wrote that.

I never wrote poems but I filled journal upon journal with the randomn "angst" that were as my teenage years.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

LOL! This is just the sort of thing I see in my high school poetry class all the time. Love it! :-)

Marsha Sigman said...

I hope 'Jenn Orlando' reads this and realizes the horror she has

I loved it. I have to dig through some of my old stuff now!

The Rejection Queen said...

Just stopped by your blog and I'm lovin it!

rae said...

Good lord, this is awesome.

Kim said...

And you said you can't write picture books.

Love it! What did Jenn do?!??!

Krispy said...

You're so brave. I have many things like that, which I hope will never ever see the light of day again. Hahaha. I used to rhyme too, but I think those poems mostly had to do with wishing for world peace.

Thanks for sharing!

Anissa said...

Right on! I love it!! I'm afraid to dig through my old poetry. Yikes!

casiecook said...

HAHAHAHA!!! Dying at this one. You're going to have to tell me who this was about - oh good ole' SMS. My favorite line - "your just a horror." The misspellings make it that much better.

Mariah Irvin said...

Who hasn't written angsty poems?

I'm gonna need another one.

Elana Johnson said...

Oh, I'm excited all right. Isn't reliving the past so...IDK, let's go with theraputic, okay? Okay.

Kerri Cuev said...

Sooooo Funny!!!!!!
Thanks for the laugh this morning!
Oh the teenage years! Would never want to do that again lol!

Lori W. said...

Too good! "You're just a horror". Please, please, please show us more. Thanks for the laugh.

Kimberly Franklin said...

I have two words for you: Love. It!

: )

Natalie Whipple said...

Just awesome. I was never must of a rhymer in my angsty poetry days. I was all about free verse, lol.

Jill Kemerer said...

Dr. Seuss going through Puberty!! Hilarious! I love your poem. My daughter could probably write that poem, right now. Sixth grade is a b--oops, friend!

Rebecca Knight said...

Simon, you're killing me! (AHAHAHA)

My favorite line: "You are not my friend, your just a horror."

I have some doosies, too, so I'm psyched to see more of the History of LiLa!

Sherrie Petersen said...

I'm not sure if I'd be brave enough to post some of the schlock I wrote in high school! But I love this poem--it perfectly illustrates how dramatic everything is when you're a teenager :)

Carolina M. Valdez Schneider said...

OMG, O.M.G!!! And here I almost quit reading blogs for today. Too good, I tell you. I am rolling. Best line ever:

"You are not my friend, your just a horror."

Or no, no, even better:

"Good luck finding friends hopefully youll have something else to lend."

Hahaha! Classic.

Tana said...

LOL. I think my teen poems could go toe to toe with your in angst. BTW, so glad I'm not Jenn. If you said those things to a girl I'd love to see one written to a boy. Those were my specialty ;) (Poems to boys, not actual boys).

Sarah Wylie said...

Oh, I love it! Very angsty and you were already showing some of that poetic genius we've come to treasure.
Simply awesome!

Hardygirl said...

I LOVE it!! And, you can't make this sh*t up.

More, more, more!!!

You come off as if your in a cult . . .hahahaha


Donna Gambale said...

I can't stop laughing! OMG I think I wrote this exact poem. I have to look up some of mine now!

Jemi Fraser said...

That's hysterical! Gotta love teen poetry :) When I taught grade 8, it was favourite unit to teach. All kinds of great stuff!

Katie Anderson said...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This made my night!

Y'all crack me up.

(that was a haiku :-)

just kiddin.

Kristy said...

Ha! That's a great poem!

Kathy McIntosh said...

Loved it! All that emotion, right on the surface, not buried as we do as "grown-ups."
Why do people think those were good years?

Shelli (srjohannes) said...

dang im not getting on your bad side! :) I think i have this exact poem in my book. :)

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Great stuff! I wish I had kept my diaries...

Gail said...

Teenage does anyone live through it??? Bless our moms for hang in with us and bless our dads for not killing us!

erica m. chapman said...

OMG - so funny! I too wrote a lot of poems. Most were about numerous crushes - I had many!

Totally keep it and frame it! Thanks for sharing :o)


This is awesome in ways I cannot describe.

Jenn's a "horror," huh? You know what word would rhyme better with "before," right? Come on ... you KNOW that's what you really wanted to use! Especially with Jenn causing all this drama b/c of "men." Men! I didn't even know "men" when I was in 7th grade. You Ohio girls move fast!

Well. I'm glad to see your love of poetry carried over into adulthood and now entertains us in celebrity form. Bravo to this Jenn girl, for helping to home your rhyming skills.

p.s. If you never sent this poem/letter to Jenn, you should totally do it. NOW. I mean it. Get her address and take it to the postman. It would be awesome.

Don't call this a comeback

So it’s been a minute. Or 10. Or truthfully more like 2,102,400. At least we think that’s how many minutes there are in 3 years, but let...