Things I Learned While Painting My Kitchen

1. If you call Stacey more than once a day she starts screening your calls.

2. You really can get a contact buzz from paint fumes.

3. The aforementioned buzz is not a fun buzz but more of a mind bending, dizzying, groggy type situation that leads to you painting entire walls the wrong color.

4. Centrifugal force is not your friend when using a paint roller.*

5. The Regulator does not like hearing about me doing things half-assed. For example:

Me: Hi Mom.
The Regulator: You've called me like 5 times today.
Me: I know. Laura just had a baby and Stacey isn't picking up. You're the only one who never screens my calls.
The Regulator: Real nice, Lisa.
Me: I'm a terrible painter.
The Regulator: You're already painting? What room did you start with?
Me: The kitchen.
The Regulator: I thought you liked the red. (Translation: I've always hated that color, thank GOD you're finally doing something about it.)
Me: Yeah, it's just sort of dated.
The Regulator: I hope you're not cutting corners.
Me: I'm cutting every corner possible.
The Regulator: *Deep, tortured, sigh that roughly translates to this: Why God, WHY did  I birth such a lazy, worthless daughter who can't even be bothered to properly slap up a coat of paint on her hopelessly out of date home?!?*
Me: Awesome. Talk to you later.

Tonight I'm painting the dining room. Pray for me.

*Per Josin L. McQuein: You have incited the wrath of my inner science geek. It's CENTRIPETAL force. "Centrifugal force" doesn't actually exist the way most people think. 


Thanks Josin! I'd like to blame the paint fumes, but the truth is I just suck at science. Thank God we have smart blog readers.

Tell The Truth Tuesday

1. I've done almost all of my Christmas shopping online. And by all, I mean buying toys for the kids. I'm officially the worst Christmas shopper EVER.

2. My laundry room has been de-hoarded. I'd post pictures, but I'm WAY too embarrassed by the "before."

3. I'm adding real estate agent to my resume. That's right. I'm going to sell this house my own damn self. This has disaster written all over it.

4. As much as I love James, I'm not pleased with how time consuming his day-to-day care has become for Laura. Stacey almost always screens my calls and The Regulator, while well versed in publishing gossip, can't really be relied on for fashion advice.

5. I was slightly bitter when Dan Humphrey created a faux fan account on Twitter and had over 1,000 followers in less than 24 hours on last night's Gossip Girl.* It took us a really long time to get that many followers. Stupid fictional Dan Humphrey just gliding his way through publishing. Bastard. What's next a blog for Serena? Oh that's right, they did that already and her blog is the toast of NYC. Naturally. Damn you, CW.

*It occurs to me that the fact that I still watch Gossip Girl is actually a truth unto itself. I seriously think I'm the only person over 13 who still watches this crap. Judge me if you must.

So. Thankful.

Thanksgiving came early for the Roeckers this year.

At 10:10 AM November 22nd to be exact.

James Michael weighed in at 6 pounds 13 oz and he's gorgeous. And Laura is high on percocet absolutely glowing. Best Thanksgiving EVER.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tell The Truth Tuesday

1. I got bangs hoping to look like this:

Instead I look like this:

My hair officially clashes with my face. It also doesn't help that Laura told me I look "fancy." What does that even mean? Nothing good.

2. My neck/shoulder injury is feeling much better. But I think I'll probably still take a muscle relaxer tonight. You know, just in case.

3. We sent the first chunk of a totally new manuscript to our agent and we're terrified. Well, actually I'm terrified and Laura is in this really weird, about to have a baby zen stage. 

4. I am beyond excited to meet my new nephew tomorrow! Stay tuned for pictures as Roecker watch 2011 continues.

5. I've refreshed my email 29 times while writing this blog post. Yeah. So much for relaxing over the holidays....

What's your truth this Tuesday? Spill it.

It's Gonna Be a Piece of Cake

On Tuesday I thought it would be a good idea to do some kickboxing in spite of a sore neck.

I was wrong.

Oh so, terribly, horribly wrong.

On Wednesday morning I could barely move. I had to call my husband to come home from work because I couldn't lift poor little Ben out of the crib. I went to a chiropractor who caused more pain (and lots of cracking) and then finally this morning I went to the urgent care to score some drugs.

The doc prescribed a hefty dose of Motrin and a muscle relaxer. I'll admit that I started giggling a little when he asked me if I'd ever taken a muscle relaxer before because every John Hughes fan knows that THIS is what happens when you take muscle relaxers:



Sadly my reaction involved a lot less giggling and a lot more passing out on my couch for 3 hours while Ken fed and bathed the kiddos for me. Honestly, I think I like my version better.

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Bookanistas: My Maternity "Vacation" Reading List

First and foremost, we're 2 chapters away from maternity leave!!!! HOORAH! And THE GIRL OF FIRE AND THORNS is at the very top of my list. I'm not a huge fan of fantasy, but there's just something about this concept that calls to me. I love that there's an unexpected heroine and the setting sounds extraordinary.

What's on your reading list this holiday season? Anything good?

Be sure to check out what the other Bookanistas are up to this week!

• Elana Johnson gives a standing ovation for VIRTUOSITY
• Shannon Messenger talks up THE PLEDGE - with a giveaway
• Cory Jackson falls for UNDER THE NEVER SKY
• Carolina Valdez-Miller gives some love to HERE
• Veronica Roth screams for THE NEAR WITCH
• Nikki Katz praises LOLA AND THE BOY NEXT DOOR
• Katy Upperman reccommends THE PLEDGE

Another $%*&^$@ Idea

So remember my master plan about doing absolutely nothing while Laura is doing new Mama duty for the next few months?

It sounded totally blissful, right? I was going to read books, watch amazing movies and do some serious house renovations in preparation for putting this bad boy up on the market. It was going to be ah-mazing.

And then I had this dream.

About a manuscript that we shelved two years ago.

A manuscript I might have finally figured out how to fix.

Hold me.

Tell The Truth Tuesday

1. I don't care what all the haters say, The Hunger Games trailer rocked my socks off. This movie is going to be EPIC. So epic that I have big plans to talk The Regulator, Dad Roecker and Laura into a midnight screening event of some sort. If you're wondering why the 3rd Roecker sister isn't invited it's because she has a strict rule against movies with battle scenes.

2.  I saw this link on Twitter about cats giving you incentive to write. I'm not gonna lie. I sat at in front of my computer and wrote "What the $%&* is this?" 20 times to see what would happen. Suffice it to say that I was extraordinarily unimpressed with the outcome.

3. I watch Pan Am. And oh my good God you guys, it is 31 flavors of AWFUL. By far the most ludicrious show on television and yet it makes the perfect background for day job writing. And so on my DVR it shall remain.

4. I'm a floor-o-rexic. That's right. I use clean kitchen floors as a means to maintain control of my life. Laura just diagnosed me with this terrible disease last night when I confessed to her that I've been washing my kitchen floor on my hands and knees almost every single night. Bear in mind, the room directly next to my kitchen looks like a hoarders paradise of clean, yet unfolded clothes, backpacks and approximately 300 pairs of shoes. I have no idea why the kitchen floor is so important to me, but there is nothing that makes my blood boil like watching Mia bite into a graham cracker. I get chills just thinking about it.

5. I have yet to purchase a single Christmas present. I'm in holidenial. (See what I did right there? I'm the queen of word mash-ups this week.)

6. While Laura is on her maternity leave I plan on doing nothing but reading for 6 weeks straight. It is going to be AWESOME. So many books. So much slacking. I can't hardly wait.


OK, spill your guts. What's your truth this Tuesday?

The Unborn Deadline

Laura is due to pop. Literally POP. Any day now. And I'm completely terrified.

Sure, you might say that since I'm not the one actually delivering a child, I should be sitting back, sipping Diet Coke through a Twizzler straw and dreaming of holding my new nephew. But instead I'm sitting in front of my computer with burning eyes and a pit in my stomach. 

We have 9 days.

9 days left to finish the first 10 chapters of a manuscript that absolutely has to be finished before Laura has the baby.

9 days left to sit on the phone for 3 hours discussing the rise and fall of our Amazon rank.

9 days left to engage in endless Skype conversations speculating on what the cover for The Lies That Bind might look like.

9 days left to send Laura links to my Pinterest boards to get real time feedback on paint colors for my massive house staging project.

So...yeah. 9 days before our lives change forever and a new little Roecker enters the world.

I can't wait.

Celebstalking with LiLa (the afternoon edition)

Yeah, yeah, I'm late. But there are probably only two people who really care:

1. Kim Johnson from the Regulator's office. She is probably our single most loyal blog lurker. (Hi Kim! Hopefully you'll be able to see this on your lunch break. We still never had a chance to discuss my hatred of John Travolta, but hopefully soon!)

2. Matthew MacNish the only person who is awake early enough to almost always score first comment. Sorry Matt. Hope you're having a great weekend. Maybe you should spend it polishing your super awesome manuscript that agents are already salivating over? You rock.

Moving on....

Isn't it strange that Kate Bosworth and Rachel Bilson kind of have the same face? Also I really, really want whatever lipstick they're wearing. It's so pretty and natural.

This picture explains so much about Kanye West. I mean, clearly he is rocking some MAJOR Little Man Syndrome. If only someone had alerted the media that he's roughly 5'3 before that whole VMA debacle, MTV could have saved Taylor Swift a whole lot of heartache and arranged for Jay Z to tuck him safely into his pocket for the evening.

Is it just me or is Ashley Simpson LOVING the fact that J. Simp is all swollen and pregnant? I have this theory that Ashley is behind every single one of Jessica's problems including but not limited to:

- Her complete lack of style ("OMG Jess, those high waisted jeans are SUPER flattering. Your ass looks amazing!"
- Daisy getting eaten by a coyote ("Look Daisy! A friendly dog has come over to play with you. Why don't you take this piece of raw meat over there to share with him....FETCH!"
- Her new reality show ("Oxygen is totally the new MTV and look at all the amazing things Newlyweds did for you and Nick!"

This is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.

Ah Gwynnie. Love the dress. I'll admit it. You've got flair. But was it really necessary to post a picture of the donuts Mario Batali made for your kids in your GOOP holiday guide? I mean, honestly. It's not like they're for sale and name dropping is (theoretically) beneath you.

Yup. Jessica Alba popped out a baby like half an hour ago and now she looks like this. I think I might actually hate her more than Gwyneth. I'll go eat another fun sized Snickers and mull it over.

Bookanistas: VIRTUOSITY

There is absolutely nothing like a stunning book cover. Especially a book cover for young people. Take a moment and consider walking away from this cover. It's just not gonna happen. I don't care what kind of book you're in the store searching for, if this were to catch your eye, you would pick it up, read the back and buy. Right? Right. The black and pink and hair flipping goodness. It just doesn't get any better. Well, until you actually read the book.

What the back cover has to say: Now is not the time for Carmen to fall in love. And Jeremy is hands-down the wrong guy for her to fall for. He is infuriating, arrogant, and the only person who can stand in the way of Carmen getting the one thing she wants most: to win the prestigious Guarneri competition. Carmen's whole life is violin, and until she met Jeremy, her whole focus was winning. But what if Jeremy isn't just hot...what if Jeremy is better?

Carmen knows that kissing Jeremy can't end well, but she just can't stay away. Nobody else understands her--and riles her up--like he does. Still, she can't trust him with her biggest secret: She is so desperate to win she takes anti-anxiety drugs to perform, and what started as an easy fix has become a hungry addiction. Carmen is sick of not feeling anything on stage and even more sick of always doing what she’s told, doing what's expected.

Sometimes, being on top just means you have a long way to fall.... 

What Lila has to say:
I could not put this book down. Virtuosity was beautifully written and completely engrossing. Stage mothers, raw talent, crazy rich grandparents and romance combine to bring the world of concert violinists fully alive. I loved watching Carmen's awakening from a scared, controlled girl into a self-possessed woman forced to make a life-altering decision. Fans of Simone Elkeles and Sarah Dessen are going to fall head over heels for Jessi Martinez and I predict Virtuosity is going to earn her an army of fan girls.

Check out what the other Bookanistas are up to this week:


Elana Johnson gushes about THE GIRL OF FIRE AND THORNS

Shelli Johannes-Wells praises Addison Moore's books

Rosemary Clement-Moore gets all wrapped up in WRAPPED

Jessi Kirby talks VIRTUOSITY

Nikki Katz screams for LEGEND

Katy Upperman sets us all up for BEFORE I FALL

I'm Single and There's an NBA Lock Out

Not gonna lie, Andy Samberg's Kris Chris Humphries made me pee my pants a little.

Happy Tuesday!

Daylight Savings

So remember when it was March 13th and we were all supposed to set our clocks ahead an hour for daylight savings time?

Well, I was so bitter about losing an hour of sleep that I refused to set the radio in my car to the correct time.

For the first few weeks, I wanted a daily reminder that I should have still been fast asleep in bed when I was schlepping the kids to school in the morning. And then throughout the summer I just sort of got used to being an hour behind whilst navigating the streets of suburbia.  It gave me the illusion of actually being early.

And now, finally my stubborness has paid off. While the rest of you losers were messing around with your car radios, trying to set your clocks back, I was laughing. LAUGHING. Because yesterday, I was right on time and I never even had to touch a button.

Suck on that daylight savings.

Celebstalking by LiLa

This picture inspired me to get down on my knees and say the Act of Contrition. I may be a lapsed Catholic, but I'm not that lapsed.

Another one bites the dust.

I really, really wish I had some rudimentary photoshop skills to put a big old red X right on Gisele's perfect face. I didn't think I could hate her any more after her assanine stance on childbirth and breastfeeding and then she did this. Maybe Padre Kardashian can perform an exorcism.

Every time I see a picture of Ann Hathaway with a new boyfriend, I get a pit in my stomach. Girlfriend has extraordinarily bad luck with men.

Really, Zach Effron? REALLY?

I was skeptical when SJP tried to convince us that she rolls around in a minivan and this pretty much seals the deal that she's a big fat liar. I mean, that hat and a minivan don't even exist in the same universe. Nice try, SJP. Nice try. Try a sad beret from Target next time and then maybe I'll believe you're rocking out in an Odyssey.

Happy weekend everyone! If you happen to live near Ohio come see us at The Buckeye Book Fair tomorrow. We'll be there with The Regulator and the 3rd Roecker Sister. I don't want to brag, but we're staying in a hotel with a free breakfast buffet and we might swing by the Smucker's factory on our way home. Not gonna lie, those are two things that legitimately get me very excited.

Bookanistas: SIRENZ and WINNER ANNOUNCEMENT!

First of all, a HUGE congratulations goes out to Rebekkah Ford who is the proud new owner of 3 creepy books in the Past Midnight series by Mara Purnhagen! BUT...do NOT read these books if you are alone at night. You've been warned. Rebekkah, email us your address and we'll pop them in the mail for you ASAP.

Okay, moving right along. Pay attention because the following is extremely important.

Stop what you're doing. Click here and use 1-click to purchase a copy of this book. Better yet, purchase a few copies to give away as holiday presents. You will not regret this decision. Have we ever been wrong before?

Okay, so you already know how we feel about ARE YOU GOING TO KISS ME NOW by Sloane Tanen, well SIRENZ gave us a very similar feeling except it involves MYTHOLOGY! You guys...who doesn't love mythology?! This book is the absolute perfect break from some of the darker, more serious YA we've been reading as of late and takes a completely different take on a story involving Gods and Goddesses.

Here's what the back cover has to say:

Bickering frenemies Meg and Shar are doing some serious damage at a midnight sample sale when the fashionistas find themselves arguing over a pair of shoes-with fatal consequences. One innocent bystander later, the girls are suddenly at the mercy of Hades, Lord of the Underworld himself. To make them atone for what they've done, Hades forces the teens to become special-assignment Sirens, luring to the Underworld an individual whose unholy contract is up.

Finding that delicate balance between their fashion addiction and their new part-time job in the eternal hellfire biz turns out to be harder than Meg and Shar expected, especially when an entire pantheon of Greek deities decides to get involved. Then there's the matter of the fine print in their own contracts...

Lila's Take:

If the Shopaholic Series/Bridget Jones Diary and the Percy Jackson books had a girl baby, her name would be SIRENZ. And yet this book is completely original with absolutely HILARIOUS modern imaginings of immortals. Hades will make you snort. And yet there's so much more to this book than pee-your-pants-one-liners. Meg and Shar swith POVs, which we love, and are dealing with issues beyond answering to Hades and his manipulations so there's a ton of growth throughout the book.

AND...it's entertaining without being inappropriate, dirty or over-the-top. So freaking refreshing. Plus, the perfect gift for ALL girls. How often can you say that?

AND...it's written by TWO authors. Two amazing authors. We get them! They get us! This makes us happy. Very, very happy.

So I hope we've convinced you that you need this book. Because you do. Go. Click. Buy.

Check out what the other Bookanistas are up to this week:

Elana Johnson is crazy about Crossed and Shatter Me

Christine Fonseca interviews Kids Inventing! author Susan Casey 

Shelli Johannes-Wells dishes on Become (Desolation Book #1)

Beth Revis celebrates books for which she’s grateful – with gigantic signed book giveaway

Jessi Kirby applauds Virtuosity

Megan Miranda marvels at How to Save a Life

Rosemary Clement Moore is wild for The Iron Witch

Veronica Rossi is amazed by Shatter Me

  

The Dirtiest Word

Guilt.

You guys, I am wracked with guilt on a daily basis.

Guilt that I'm constantly multitasking. Jack drew a picture of me for school. I had orange hands connected to what looked like a small tombstone. I thought it was Halloween related. But no, it was a computer. I immediately added an extra $100 to Jack's Psychotherapy Fund.

Guilt that I don't have time to read every single amazing book written by every single amazing author that we've interacted with on Twitter.

Guilt that we don't have time to respond to all of your awesome comments on our blog. You should know I respond to every single one IN MY HEAD. Too bad Steve Jobs didn't come up with a mind reading app before he died. Stupid cancer.

Now I feel guilty that I made a glib comment about Steve Jobs and he's dead.

So. Much. Guilt.

The problem is that I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I have friends that aren't on Twitter. I have a day job. And I desperately want to be a successful writer. And all of those jobs leave very little time for all of the stuff listed above. Intellectually I know that it's not a big deal. I'm sure you guys understand when it takes us forever to respond to your emails and you know that even though we try REALLY hard to reply to every single Tweet we get, sometimes we miss stuff.

Even though I know this, I can't stop the guilt. It just keeps coming.

So, how do you guys deal with balancing busy lives and writing and GUILT? Tell me your secrets in the comments. Please? I know I haven't really done much for you lately, but I'm BEGGING. Help a Roecker Sister out.

Tell The Truth Tuesday

Ok, ok, I'll admit it. I gasped out loud when I heard the news of Kim Kardashian's divorce yesterday.

Gasped.

Audibly.

I'm so embarrassed.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go here.  Just make sure you don't take a big swig of Diet Coke before reading, because it's hilarious and Diet Coke really stings when you snarf it. Sadly, I speak from experience.

What's your shameful truth this Tuesday? Bet nothing's worse than mine.