This might be the funniest thing I've ever seen..

Ever.

Ok, so I know I'm supposed to be off The Hills, but Gossip Girl was a repeat, don't judge. Anyways, I happened to stumble across this little gem of a show on MTV entitled "The Hills: Spoof'd." Don't you just love it how MTV always adds that random apostrophe to keep things fresh for America's youth who apparently loathe shows with titles that are spelled correctly? Anyways, I digress...

If you do one thing tonight, click on this and watch it in it's entirety. I beg you.

If you're not convinced by my impassioned begging and need further details here is everything you have to know:

• There is an Apocalypse
• All cast members of the Hills survive
• Survivors run around fleeing for their lives, trying survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland
• Audrina manages to snag an outlaw named Lord Humongous
• Lauren is devastated, yet somehow ends up being set up with his "bro", Berzerker
• Heidi sings a song called "Body Business"
• And Spencer raps

Funniest moment has to be when random survivor guy screams "GET OUT OF THE CLUB! THERE IS NO FUTURE IN THE CLUB." I almost peed my pants.

Now stop reading my lame-ass blog and go watch this staggering work of genius. Seriously.

Saturday morning randomness...

• Ok, big leap last night. I actually posted my picture on The Facebook. Terrifying, right? I have like 3 friends. It's sort of pathetic, but people kept yelling at me to give it a shot, so......already some tres random people have come out of the woodwork. Should be interesting.
• Note to my secret BFF, Ms. Aniston. Uh, put some clothes on. Seriously. You look amazing, but that's a lot o' skin, lady.
• And Anne Hathaway. I love you. Please eat something, and yes, I mean something aside from Diet Coke, air and fumes of Chanel No. 5. You look really, really hungry.
• Love the Fug Girls, but I think they sort of missed the boat with this pic of Audrina and Tori Spelling. Mainly, what the hell happened to Audrina's face? I mean, don't get me wrong, she looks good, but different. Almost like a young Angie Harmon, no? I think it might be something in the chin area, but would love to a second or third opinion...

That's all I've got, and really you should be impressed because I was up until 2 am reading Pretties, the sequel to Uglies. Should have a post reviewing both books soon. Of course, Mia is sick and crabby and Jack is instigating (as usual), Ken has to study for an accounting final and I'm getting the feeling that it's going to be a lllloooooonnnnngggggg Saturday over here.

All I want for Christmas...

So, those of you who know me, know that my dear husband has a horrible track record when it comes to giving gifts. His heart is always in the right place and he really does try to pick out things he thinks I'll like, but it's inevitably all wrong.

Here's a little Christmas gift timeline for you.

• 1995 - This is the first Christmas we were dating and I was 16-years-old. I got a HUGE bottle of Eternity perfume and a plaid Gap button down. Size Men's Large. Yeah, just for the record, I'm 5'3. The sad reality is that this actually one of his better Christmas gifts. I actually liked the perfume and let's face it, the grunge look was totally in, so a ginourmous shirt wasn't that horrible. Although I think I might actually have returned it. It was THAT big.
• 1996 - An opal ring. At the time I totally loved this gift. Opal was my birthstone and he got me one of those cheesy rings from Alvin's Jewelers in 14K gold with some itty-bitty diamonds on the side. In my 17-year-old mind it was the epitome of style and class. Unfortunately my tastes have evolved over the years and I just had my mom liquidate the thing at one of those gold parties where they pay you for your old gold jewelry. Yeah, I'm not exactly the sentimental type and I made $189! Of course that included the opal earrings he got me too. And the heinous heart shaped diamond necklace. In my defense, I saved the bracelet, ok?
• 1997 - Now this is the year things really started to go downhill. I'll never forget Ken coming over on Christmas morning with a huge garment bag with the words "Petite Sophisticate" emblazoned across it. I remember thinking, well at least he's realized I'm a small person and then I opened it. "It" was a pair of brown corduroy pants, completely tapered at the ankle, yet loose through the hips and thighs. I think they used to call this a relaxed fit back in the day. They looked a little bit like textured, brown, Hammer pants and they were practically guaranteed to add about 20 pounds. Sexy! There was also a matching corduroy, brown blazer that hit at about mid-thigh, last seen in the closets of substitute teachers across the country. To top off this dung-colored ensemble, he had purchased an over-sized brown, striped, button down shirt and a pair of matching brown socks. After Ken left I tried the whole outfit on for the fam and Laura and Stacey almost peed their pants.
• 1998 - 2005 - These years are all sort of a blur. I think there was a cashmere sweater somewhere in there that I actually liked. Oh and who could forget the cooking lessons! That was the first year we were married. My husband gave me cooking lessons for Christmas, ouch.
• 2005 - This was Jack's first Christmas, so my first official Christmas as a mom, and what do I find under the tree? A Victoria's Secret, hot pink, velour sweat suit with the word "Sexy" emblazoned across the butt in rhinestones. Can't you just picture me showing up at playgroup in that get-up? Hilarious. TGFGR. (Thank God For Gift Receipts)
• 2006 - A cashmere poncho. Fuschia. Returned at Nordstrom's the very next day.
• 2007 - Umm..can't remember. But I'm sure I returned it. He got me a barn jacket for my 30th birthday, so that should give you an indication of what his gift must have been like. Not good.
• 2008 - TBD. I can't wait to see what he comes up with this year. If I was picking out my own gift there would be one of these or maybe these and if I was really lucky one of THESE underneath my Christmas Tree. But I know Ken, and I'm not holding my breath.

The truth is holidays are actually more fun this way. I never know what I'm going to unwrap Christmas morning, and you know what? That's just the way I like it.

First paragraph, are you hooked?

So, this crazy literary agent with an uber popular blog is holding a contest for the best first paragraph of any completed manuscript or work-in-progress. And in case you're wondering why I call him crazy, it's because so far the entries are up to 1,115 and people can enter through 4 PST tomorrow. Insanity.

Anyways, I may or may not have entered us without Laura's permission. Hey, it's worth a shot right? The North Shore might not be his style, but I'm sure our amazing writing will have him completely hooked. Regardless, it's sort of fascinating to skim through the entries. So many different wannabe authors out there trying to achieve their dreams of getting published. My personal favorite had Jesus making his grande entrance while smoking a joint. Fantastic! Perhaps they'll start making WWJD bracelets out of hemp if the book gets published. You seriously can't make this stuff up.

Anyways, in case you're interested, our entry, the current first paragraph of The North Shore:

Regardless of what you read in those tabloid magazines you devour religiously each week, being a socialite is hard work. There are the bi-weekly highlights, daily meetings with your stylist, conference calls with your PR rep, and, of course, lunches with your agent. Well, I suppose the agent is more of a celebutante thing, but you get my drift - you can’t half-ass it. Perfection isn’t an aspiration, it’s a job requirement and you have to be prepared to work for it. Lucky for you, I know all the tricks, and I’ll share a few of my secrets with you. But fair warning, I move fast and you have lots to learn, so pay attention.
--The Modern Socialite’s Handbook

So tell me, dear readers, does our first paragraph hook you? We'll know Nathan Bransford's opinion come Friday when he posts the finalists.

Give the guy a Chucking Emmy...

Bravo, Gossip Girl writers. Bravo. This week's episode was so unbelievably good that I almost gave a solo standing ovation in my living room, but then I realized that would officially qualify me as some type of unhinged stalker-fan, so I sat my ass back down.

First off, Ed Westwick can ACT. Seriously, he should get an Emmy for his performance in this episode. I have to say I was a little surprised, but he did a phenomenal job. I think the best quote of the night was when Blaire told Chuck that she loved him and he responded:

"Well, that's too bad."

Nobody does self-destructive playboy in pain like Chuck Bass. Nobody.

Other random thoughts:

• Love Blaire's relationship with Cyrus. Seriously, adorable. She needs hugs and is turning into an overbearing Jewish mother. I love.
• Serena had to be kidding when she showed up to breakfast wearing that black nightie. Who does that? I honestly can't imagine walking around a penthouse wearing next-to-nothing to sit down to breakfast with my grandmother to eat some type of tuna tartar parfait. On second thought, the nightie actually isn't the most unrealistic part of that scenario, but still...
• When Chuck showed up in Blaire's room I cried. I'll admit it. If you didn't tear up just a little bit you're heartless, ok? I can't help it that I'm a sappy romantic at heart.
• Does Rufus really have to bring his guitar everywhere with him. I almost peed my pants when I saw him packing that bad boy for his little trip with Lilly. He's a former rock star, we get it. Please don't force us to sit through any more scenes of him playing his guitar and singing by himself in his apartment. It's just creepy.
  

Do we really have to wait until January 5th for the next episode? I'm not sure what's more upseting, the wait for a new Gossip Girl or the fact that 90210 is a repeat AGAIN tonight. Note to C-dubs, I rely on you for sub-par television every week. Based on the quality of most of these shows, I'm guessing it doesn't take much time or effort to crank out a new episode of 90210, so get off your asses already. You can't seriously expect me to watch the creepy drama girl go to rehab AGAIN.

Sunday Night Status check...

Status of my TiVo: Finally back under control after being completely out of space as of Friday. I have to say I enjoyed catching up on all of my shows over the weekend. Best line of tv this week,"Hold on to your daddies girls because here comes Gretchen!" Thank you Tamra from Real Housewives of Orange County. You are truly a national treasure.

Status of my Christmas shopping: Almost done! Just a few more gifts to purchase. We even got the Christmas tree up AND ordered our Christmas cards tonight. Impressed?

Status of my credit cards: More fraud! Someone just charged almost $3,000 on a card I never use for Franklin Covey planners. Seriously, how random is that? Who even uses Franklin Planners anymore? That feels so 1985 to me. Shocking. I actually used to work with the guy who invented the fraud detection system that most credit card companies use. I think I need to send him a thank you note.

Status of the kids: Jack and Mia are both awake and not happy. Jack is sick. Mia is just mommy obsessed. Not good.

Status of my bookshelf: I'm almost done with Uglies and it's good. Definitely not a book that I would normally read, but well written and creative. More on that when I finish.

Status of SNL: Still funny. Andy Samberg's song this week was hilarious, but I can't go into details, because this blog is way too PG. Also loved the random commercial about the woman who would deliver your mail on her horse, but then gave a PO Box for you to send it to. Totally cracked me up. Who even thinks of this stuff? If everyone was this funny when stoned out of their gourds, then I would totally vote to legalize pot.

Status of The Hills: It's official. I'm off The Hills. I just can't do it anymore. I tried, but Audrina's wonky eyes finally did me in. Does this mean I'm finally maturing or was I the last person watching this pathetic excuse for television?

Status of our inbox: Empty, but hey, it's still technically the weekend, so I suppose that's to be expected. Maybe some good news this week?? We'll see.

So long Baltimore...

It's official. I'm a Clevelander once again. Although actually, I'm not sure how official the move is considering we are shacking up with my parents until we find a house. I feel like I'm in high school again (if I ignore the fact that I'm married with a baby)--even more so after my mom "joked" about ground rules. But even if there are new rules to get used to (again), I'm still super excited to be back for a bunch of reasons. I'll list three.

1. Close proximity to family. This is fabulous for lots of reasons. First of all, Lydia will grow up around family and you can't beat that. Second, John and I might actually be able to leave the house together after 7 p.m. because we have some willing babysitters. Nice. And third, I don't have to feel sad anymore when I am the only one missing at a gathering. I live at the gathering place, so take that Lisa and Stacey.

2. Close proximity to my writing partner. I would say, "yay, no more emails," but I would be lying. I've only been back a couple days, and we've still emailed back and forth at least 10 times. And I should say, "yay, no more 24 hour + phone conversations in a month," but I would be lying again. Baltimore, Cleveland, it doesn't really matter where I am. Lisa and I will still sit on the phone listening to the other person breath while we type, read, or just be.

3. Close proximity to "The Greatest Lake," and by that I mean Lake Erie (sorry Mary). It's no Eastern Shore, but it's still a pretty sweet body of water if you forget that it once caught on fire.

So...it's good to be home. And it will feel even better when Lisa and I can celebrate in person when we get an agent this week (just putting some positive energy out there :)

Blog Guiltitis: the strange and irrational avoidance of your blog when you haven't posted as regularly as you should

Yeah, I've got a raging case of blog guiltitis. I've got all the usual symptoms, fear of blogger.com, extreme fatigue, dreams of angry commenters. Anyways, phase 1 of my treatment requires a long blog post to control guilt levels, so here we go.

I'm so sorry I've been a terrible blogger this week. Just to put things in perspective, I haven't even had time to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County yet and it aired on Tuesday! You know it's busy when I don't even have time for trashy tv on Bravo. There are many forces, both good and evil, that have conspired to keep me away from the blog this week. Just to give you an idea of what we're dealing with over here...

Work: It's annoying and busy. Worst combination ever. Of course, I have a job that pays me actual money. So that's a good thing, especially given all of the recent news about layoffs and etc. Let's call this one a draw.

Mia discovering books: Ok, Mia has always LOVED to read, well technically she loves to be read to. Over the past week her love of books has turned into something of an obsession. She's constantly running up to me with a book and crawling into my lap to read. Unfortunately, there is not enough room for my laptop and Mia in my lap, and in spite of some of my questionable mothering tactics as discussed in graphic detail in previous posts, Mia always wins. I love that she's taking after me and loving books. Jack is much more of a couch potato. He loves books, but he also loves tv, so technically I guess he REALLY takes after his mother.

Burberry coats at discount prices: Ok, so I love shopping and I especially love shopping when I'm getting a good deal. They just opened up a Nordstrom Rack dangerously close to our house and I happen to be there looking for some new shoes for Mia (they have fab kid's shoes there) and what do I spy, but an entire rack of fabulous Burberry down coats at a really, really good price. So, not only do I buy myself a coat, but I also had to broadcast the sale to friends and family essentially ensuring that I, and everyone I know this winter, will all be wearing the same coat. The sales people at Nordstrom Rack officially think I'm crazy. I've been in there 3 times buying coats for three different people, sometimes they were on hold under different names. Totally random and time consuming. They probably think I'm running a Burberry racketeering ring or something.

Laura moved back to Cleveland: That's right, you heard it here first. Laura is not only back in C-town, she's also living with my parents. Good luck with that, Laur. Her husband got a fabulous job and they're currently looking for houses, so they won't be hanging out with Mike and Joni indefinitely, but I'm sure we'll be getting some good stories out of this whole situation. So fun to have my writing partner in the same city!

More book edits: Inspiration struck, and we've made a little tweak that has a major impact. AND we had some very interesting requests in the meantime. SO...we're still waiting, but at least we've been actively waiting this week, if that makes sense. Lots of exciting stuff happening, so we're just hopeful that something will come of all this. TBD.

A crazy weekend: I'd love to promise you guys that you'd have lots of fun posts to look forward to over the weekend as I get myself caught up on all the stuff I missed this week, but we've got a really busy weekend ahead of us. We have friends coming in town to visit, so we're actually going out sans kiddies. Too fun! Also have a kiddie b-day party on Sunday and a kiddie trunk show on Saturday. A little random, but what-ev. Adventures in suburbia, never a dull moment. Or actually maybe it's adventures in suburbia one really really long dull moment. I'll let you know post-weekend.

A mini-blog, because I'm mega tired...

We had some encouraging news come in today, so we're a little bit excited over here. We'll be sure to post any actual updates on agent quest 2008, but while things are moving slowly, they're definitely moving, so that's good. I think I need to start building up my patience levels if I'm going to continue writing.

Anyways, just had to share this link of the Top 11 Lamest Blogs. I love it not only because it's a Top 11 list, but also because it's sort of hilarious and random. Well, and it's also nice that our blog wasn't on there. Actually, that might have been kind of cool, right?

Un-Chucking-believable

I want to take a moment and thank Alloy Entertainment for providing us with weekly installments of Gossip Girl and, most importantly, Chuck Bass. Although, I have to admit that Serena's boobs gave Chuck a run for his money this week. Have you seen them? They're fantastic. Seriously.

Anyways, it's good to know that I can always rely on Chuck Bass to distract me enough to forget about our heinously empty inbox for 47 glorious commercial-free minutes. The only other option I have for inducing some level of inbox amnesia involves a large spoon and a pint of Edy's Slow Churned ice cream, so thanks again Alloy Entertainment. My ass really does not need the extra calories at this point.

As usual, there was much to love about Chuck Bass this week. His commentary on oral fixations, attempting to win DeRhoda in a bet and, of course, his sparkly tux. Fabulous. But my favorite line of the night had to be:

"Sandbox rules: I'll show you mine if you show me yours," after Blair demanded to see the blind date Chuck had procured for her. Well played, Mr. Bass, as always.

Ok, must get back to obsessing about whether our e-mail is actually working or maybe I'll just skip that and go straight for the Moose Tracks. Lesser of two evils.

Got a case of the Mondays?

For the record, the picture above sort of makes me want to crawl back into my bed and never come out, but more on that later.

Just typing the phrase "got a case of the Mondays" annoys me. It's practically a law of nature that you have to be a really annoying co-worker to use that line. Unfortunately, today I am that annoying co-worker and even more unfortunately I've got a raging case of the Mondays over here. Not sure if it's a turkey hangover or perhaps the fact that I consumed somewhere around 100,000 calories over the course of the weekend, but either way I just can't seem to get motivated to do much of anything today. Well, anything aside from a quick run down of the good news and bad news in my life.

Good news: Got a big chunk of my Christmas shopping done this weekend.
Bad news: I still have a TON left to do, and for some reason I keep buying things for myself. Not good.

Good news: Everyone that I work closely with is on vacation, so I'm practically on vacation.
Bad news: Uh...just realized that someone has to do the work, and I'm the only one around. Ouch.

Good news: I think I'll actually have time to hit the gym on my lunch break.
Bad news: I haven't been in over a week. Do you hear that sound? Yes, that thundering you hear in the distance is actually the sound of my thighs. Yuck.

Good news: I'm reading Uglies by Scott Westerfeld and it's very good so far, so hopefully you'll be seeing another book review this week.
Bad news: I keep staying up too late reading. At this rate I'm going to be a zombie by Christmas. A well-read zombie, but a zombie nonetheless.

Good news: Finally someone agrees with me about annoying post-baby celebs with their perfect bodies. Yes, I'm talking to you Faith Hill. I'm willing to bet my First Season box set of Gossip Girl that Pilates and elliptical training didn't do THAT to your abs. And as my mom pointed out, the writer sounds eerily like me. Love it. Thanks for the link, Mom.
Bad news: No amount of airbrushing or nipping and tucking could give me a stomach like that. Trust me.

Good news: We should theoretically be hearing back on some of our manuscript submissions this week. A couple of agents had indicated that they would be reading soon and we're just assuming the rest of the agents spent their holiday reading our fabulous book because it's not like they have anything better to do, right?
Bad news: I'm literally refreshing our e-mail every 10 seconds. At this rate I'm going to end up with carpel tunnel in my right index finger from all the clicking. And our inbox is still empty in spite of my efforts. Sad.

Good news: Gossip Girl is on tonight!
Bad news: Who am I kidding, there is no bad news associated with Gossip Girl. That's like an oxymoron in my world. I have a date with Chuck Bass tonight. Monday is definitely looking up.