Before we get into this there are a few things you should know about me:
- I'm 31-years-old;
- I have two children;
- I still watch MTV;
- I've seen every single episode of The City; and
- I have a girl crush on Whitney Port. I can't help it, she seems like a really nice girl and I'm obsessed with her hair.
So, here's the deal Freddie, I was suspicious of you and your boycialite (Yeah, I like to invent words too. I guess I should have added that to my list.) brother the second you guys showed up at that barbeque after clearly spending copious amounts of time in a tanning bed. Has there ever been a trustworthy man tanner? I think not.
I grew increasingly concerned when you invited your father to join you and Whitney on your second date without giving her any warning. Your father went on to crush Whitney's dreams of starting her own fashion line (Not cool Fridolin Fackelmayer. Not cool.) as America shifted uncomfortably in their living rooms. Are you hamming it up for the cameras or are you just an emotionally stunted 24-year-old rich boy? It was too early to tell.
It wasn't until Whitney and the gang joined you in the Hamptons that the D-Bag-O-Meter really started beeping. First you wore an unbuttoned tuxedo shirt to the bar and then you freaked out when Whitney kissed your 21-year-old brother. Ok, so maybe that thing about the brother is sort of understandable, but the shirt? Seriously? You are way too tan and you're trying way to hard to be James Bond.
The final straw on the proverbial camel's back was when we found that you have a girlfriend. A girlfriend. Tell me Freddie, did you have to clear it with her before you started fake dating Whitney Port to get on MTV?
The D-Bag-O-Meter has spoken, Freddie Fackelmayer. Give Spencer a big kiss for me!