Wednesday, October 6, 2010

WTF Wednesday: The 'How Did I Graduate?' *Edition*

It's been pretty gloomy around these parts and I've been a bit lonely with my boss out on maternity leave. What better time to take a trip down memory lane than on these long, cold days?

If you're a regular reader, you might remember that I dabbled in a little poetry back in the day. Well, you should know, I'm also a force to be reckoned with when it comes to random, completely unacademic research. That's right...I pulled down the old writing files and found another gem. Here are the facts...

1. It's an I-Search paper
2. Written in *gasp* high school (I'm hanging my head in shame)
3. The topic is...wait for it...wait for it...JARED LETO
4. I was stalker-level-wall-covered-with-magazine-cut-outs obsessed with Jared Leto in high school, as you will see...


Okay, so as my classmates were researching normal things like countries where they were born and their hobbies, I was researching a character from my favorite TV show. Reach for the stars, Laura. As much as I'd love to share the entire report (because it is truly riveting), it is six pages of nonsense long. But let me just share a little taste. Here's the hook.

"My heart came to a halt after being mesmerized by his wondrous blue eyes that touched my soul."

BAM. Try not reading on.

And the thesis statement: "I have recorded every episode of the *plagiarism alert* acclaimed but short lived television series "My So Called Life". I recorded it, one, to live everyday in my world with my love, and two for the outstanding entertainment benefits this show brings to its audience. This is what promptly inspired me to research my infatuation: Jared Leto."

Now that's a strong case.

In my "Want to Know" section, I had some pressing questions about Jared. "I want to know what religion Jared practices, and if he is active. Not that this point makes much of a difference, but it would help to break the mystery of his thoughts if I could touch upon what he was thinking." Teacher marked this one as "awkward." In fact, this is the only word she uses throughout the paper. I think she was trying to tell me something.

Here's where it gets interesting. Apparently my Details magazine featuring Jared Leto could only take me so far. I needed to dig deeper, to locate a living breathing source. Enter Lori, 24, a student at Slippery Rock University. I remember finding Lori through an AOL profile search. Jackpot. Lori is a wealth of knowledge on all things Jared. "I asked Lori if she believed the rumor about a new CD being released by Jared was true. '"I think Jared loves to play, but I think if he did decide to do it full time it wouldn't be for a while. To tell you the truth, he is way too eccentric to make it in Hollywood. He'll crack under the pressure..."'



Lori's got to be eating her words right now.

After covering all my bases, I presented readers with a killer conclusion. "Writing about something or someone I love comes very easily to me, every new piece of information makes my heart skip a beat. I absolutely love discovering new things, especially when I discover them myself. This paper has defeated every goal I attempted and wanted to defeat."

Wise words by high school Laura.

*Addition Thanks to my new editor, the Regulator. That misspelling was...um...done on purpose.

26 comments:

Creepy Query Girl said...

Oh my god. I remember begging my mother to let me dye my hair crandberry red so I could be like clair danes in My So Called Life and catch meself some Jared. This was hilarious! Thanks for the stroll down memory lane.

Loretta Nyhan said...

Hysterical. Can you imagine what your teacher thought? I'm sure she had to pour herself a huge glass of wine after reading your ode to Jared.

(And, my sister and I still make references to Jordan Catalano.)

Christine Danek said...

Too funny. I loved "My So Called Life."
I'm trying to imagine the teacher as she read this.
Thanks for sharing.

salarsenッ said...

Your 'Want to Know' is pretty funny. I loved 'My So-Called Life.' Thanks for sharing.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Heck, that's better than anything I ever wrote in school. ;)

Katie said...

I laughed out loud at BAM. Try not reading on.

This is hysterically awesome and it made my morning, so thank you :))))

Laura Marcella said...

Awww, the things teachers must read, LOL! Now I want to go and dig up my old high school papers. Oh, boy, who knows what I'll find??? Probably nothing as epic-ly awesome as your Jared Leto paper, though!

Kelly said...

Hee! A whole research paper on Jared Leto! Hilarious!
And I love 30 Seconds to Mars!!!! I met Jared before a concert in April. He still looks so young! And still has those dreamy eyes....
His band is amazing live!!!

Little Ms J said...

You do realize your teacher probably still talks about your paper, right?

BAM.

Hahahaha.... awesome.

Marsha Sigman said...

You realize we were seperated at birth, right?
I blogged about this last friday on my friday flashback. My So Called Life had to be one of the best shows EVER. And Jared Leto was seriously hot. Seriously.

Dominique said...

You had to do an I-Search? And here I was thinking only my HS had that requirement.
Interesting topic choice. Now I'm trying to imagine any of the English teachers I had grading it. Not sure how it would have gone over.
I must now find copies of My So Called Life and see what got you so into it.

Carolyn V. said...

I bet your paper was refreshing to read after all the other ones.

Stephanie said...

LOVE IT!!!!!! Isn;t it great to look back on stuff we wrote years and years ago????

This post reminds me of the oral report I did for sophomore year English....yeah...it was about my idol, Mayim Bialik.

Tere Kirkland said...

*snarf* Awkward. I think she was trying to tell you something. ;)

Samantha Vérant said...

Seriously. Jared fell off the deep end. With Joaquin Phoenix, who I get being all weird and all b/c of his brother. BUT WTF happened Mr. Leto?

Christie (The Fiction Enthusiast) said...

I’d love to know what your teacher was thinking while she read. So funny!

Shannon Whitney Messenger said...

*dies laughing*

It's okay, I loved Jared Leto too! Though, my REAL love was Gavin Rossdale--who I used for my artistic growth. I can honestly say that I would not be able to draw celebrity portraits had I not practiced over and over and over on the Gavster. Which is equal parts scary and pathetic. ;)

Lisa Schroeder said...

hahaha

You are SO cute

I'm dying to know what grade you got though!! Did the teacher love Jared as much as you did? If so, I'm thinking A all the way! :)

Krispy said...

Sometimes, I wonder what my high school teachers really thought about my friends and I. For my senior year AP Lit class, I did my argument-speech assignment on Star Wars.

That was some high school celeb crush though. :)

Sara B. Larson said...

I loved that show, too! Oh, his eyes...

Bethany Elizabeth said...

ha, this is great! My papers were all on boring stuff, but I wish I'd have had the guts to write a paper on a celeb crush. :)

Sara McClung ♥ said...

ahahahah! That's great. I LOVED Jared. Like, love love loved him.

Also, I have papers from high school that detail the "right" way to court a girl in today's (read, nineties) age. As well as one for how girls with curly hair can control their curls.

LOL.

Jemi Fraser said...

High school crushes/obsessions are hilarious - when viewed from a distance! :)

Erica M. Chapman said...

Awesome! I loved Jordan C. OMG What a great show. How cool is it that you did a paper on him... LOL

I heart this post. I dig 30 Seconds to Mars, but I'd love to see him in something like "My So Called Life" again...

One can dream. My MC's boy-toy Vaughn is modeled after a young Jordan C. (I don't know how to spell his last name, and I'm too tired to google right now. Sorry)

Hope you guys are well and the baby of course ;o)

Annette Lyon said...

Good thing I wasn't drinking anything, or it'd be all over my keyboard from spewing laughter. Oh . . . my . . .

I never saw an episode of that show and had to go to Wikipedia to see who he is. I'm officially uncool and ancient.

I'd love to see more high school papers on writer blogs. (Not that I'm volunteering . . .)

JESSJORDAN said...

This is priceless. I just saw me some Jared at a beach concert last weekend and wow. He still makes me melt.