Friday, October 29, 2010

Friday With a Side of Shame

Photo courtesy of http://www.eatliver.com/
1. Damn you candy-filled plush pumpkin trick-or-treat bag. Now I'm going to have to lie to my daughter about where all her candy went and it's not even Halloween yet.

2. I hate you excercise bikes at the gym with your come hither seats and sweat-free settings. I'm sitting, I'm reading, I'm barely cycling, I'm not sweating. It's happening.

3. Go to hell crate of cleaning supplies mocking me from the linen closet. You too vacuum cleaner with a layer of dust on top. And I'm looking at you full dishwasher of clean dishes. You can all just suck it. SUCK IT.

4. Hey, screw you stove. How dare you judge me? So what if we've eaten out all week. It was kid's night at Donatos. Lydia had the time of her life. You just stand there all pretentious with your rows of burners and fancy buttons. The next time the power goes out, I'm not resetting your clock. Deal with it.

5. Thermostat? Yeah, you. It's 60 degrees out and it's kind of chilly in here. I'm too lazy to go upstairs to get a sweatshirt. Warm up my house, biatch.

6. Well, hello Microsoft Word. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be writing an outline and fixing our cluster of a WIP, but The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is calling my name. Smell ya later.

7. What's that you say, skinny jeans? Yes, I do realize two glasses of wine and carboloading like a marathoner isn't going to get my ass into you any sooner. And no, actually at this point in time I really don't care. There's nothing wrong with an elastic waistband, dammit.

8. Hi there, fellow preschool moms. Why yes, that handsome young man in the rock n' roll t-shirt shouting profanities into the pretend phone is my son. What's that? You want to cancel our playdate next week? Yeah, well your kid just stuck a straw up someone else's nose, so now might be a good time to dismount from that high horse of yours. You're welcome.

9. Good morning social worker from child services. Yes, I'm aware that it's frowned upon to scream like a lunatic while attempting to get three children out of the house fully dressed in the morning. No, I have no intention of changing my tactics at this point in time unless you count bribing them with Halloween candy? No? Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then.

10. You know what sleep, you can just SUCK IT. Yeah, that's right. I have a newborn, I'm trying to write a book and I hate that we're involved in this crazy codependent relationship where I need you. I just can't quit you, sleep. But I'll try dammit. I. Will. Try.

Wow. We feel 10 pounds lighter and we didn't even have to pretend to break a sweat at the gym. Score.

Happy Friday guys!

26 comments:

Matthew Rush said...

If only you were actually so evil, er - I mean, assertive. I would respect you even more than I already do.

salarsenッ said...

I am so with you on #3, right now. And the Housewives...I'm not a big TV buff, but I caught an episode the other day. Phew...disturbing with all the plastic covering and bling.

Happy Halloween, Ladies. Eat candy 'til you puke. (No, really don't do that. It sucks.)

Jemi Fraser said...

I believe the full moon has lasted for the entire past week. It has been nuts! I'm so with you on the list!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I was with you on #3 until I realized I could crank up Katy Perry or Lady Gaga and sing (fortunately no ones home to hear me) while cleaning. Not to mention it refocuses my mind so I can write some more. :D

My house has never been cleaner (though it still has a long way to go!).

Melissa said...

Yeah! [insert fist-pump]

Piedmont Writer said...

Oh yes, Miss Social Worker to #8 and #9 -- suck a wet dishrag.

Kim Harrington said...

OMG, that Shame pic is awesome. I may have laughed so suddenly I snorted. Maybe.

Donna Gambale said...

You are not alone! #2, 3, 6 and 10 are calling my name. And if I had kids, I'm sure the rest would apply too.

E.J. Wesley said...

Damn those skinny jeans! Seriously, when are we going to all be wearing matching shiny-reflective wind suits like the sci-fi movies have been showing us all these years? Wardrobe stress would be a thing of the past!

If you ask me, 2014 can't get here fast enough ...

Seriously laughed my tail off when I read this post. If I haven't said it before, welcome back!

Haleine said...

The shame picture is fantastic as is the rest of this post. I particularly agree with #3 and #4.

It was great to have such a good laugh this morning.

Elana Johnson said...

Dude, the one about the stove is my favorite. My husband actually said to me last night, "I like it when you don't cook, then I can just have a sandwich and be done."

Hallelujah!! (And *hugs*)

Nicole Zoltack said...

I'm so with you on 3. And 7. And 10. This weekend I plan to clean because I'm not going to at all during November.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

#7 all the way!! Umm... and everything else too, actually. LOL. Have a great weekend, ladies! :-)

Shannon Whitney Messenger said...

Yes to #4. All the take-out places near my house know our voices when we call--and our preferred order. And there is nothing wrong with that!

ali said...

oh. my. gosh.

I'm horrified.

Just. Horrified.

(or not. but it felt good to *pretend* like I didn't have a clue what you were talking about :x)

Marsha Sigman said...

Ahhhh you read my mind again.

Sleep, I wish I knew how to quit you. (pretty sure this a Brokeback Mountain quote but what the hell.)

At this point my eyebags have acquired bags. Where are my eyes????

Krispy said...

Hey, at least you try to exercise! I don't even pretend to. I just sort of think about it, feel guilty for like a sec, and then eat more peanut butter cups. Um, yes.

Happy Halloween!

Sharon Kendrew said...

you're kinda creeping me out. have you been watching me through my grimy cobwebbed windows?

Jessica Love said...

I'm trying to quit sleep, too. Let me know if you figure it out.

Priya Parmar said...

that was great! happy halloween!

Dangerous With a Pen said...

Omigosh... how did you get all that out of my brain and onto your blog?

Are you going to do that to my WiP, too?

*giggle* Loved it!!!

Angela Ackerman said...

*wheezes* OMG, these were GREAT! I felt like you were watching me or something, as I steal candy from the kiddoes stashes every year and then carefully 'rearrange so they don't clue in...hahaha

Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

Claire Dawn said...

Can't even pick a fave. Love these so much :)

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's eaten their kid's candy...

EJH said...

You just made my Monday morning :)

katieplato said...

LOL! Love the threat to not reset your stove's clock!! And the dishwasher of clean dishes -- the worst!