Friday, December 11, 2009

Happy Agent Day!

So when we got wind that the fantabulous Kody Keplinger was organizing something called Agent Appreciation Day, we knew we were in. Not only do we love our agent, but you just don't argue with the 18-year-old genius who wrote The Duff.

So, Catherine Drayton, how do we love thee? Let us count three ways (she'll be happy we're keeping it to three; she appreciates brevity...):

1. Catherine uses words like "wet" when describing our titles. Yeah, we know it's not a compliment, but it's kind of hilarious, not to mention honest. Catherine is tough and fun, which is a pretty fabulous combination.
2. Catherine has a knack for making the submissions process a whole lot easier on authors.
3. Before we even knew that Agent Appreciation Day existed, she was #3 on our Top 10 Things We're Thankful for This Year List.

Catherine has been an unbelievable advocate for us and we'll never be able to thank her enough for helping us make our dreams come true.

And we're not the only authors who are having an agent love fest today. Check out this amazing list of authors who are appreciating their agents today:

Finally, some Tenners will be posting their appreciation here, enjoy!

Total writer porn, right? We'll be adding more links as the day goes on so be sure to check back. Happy Agent Day everyone!
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Why my agent, Jen Rofe, is Awesome by Crystal Allen

Crystal Allen is one of our fabulous fellow Elevensies. Well, I guess it goes without saying that she's fabulous because all the Elevensies are fabulous. Anyways, here's the PM announcement for her debut MG novel:
Crystal Allen's HOW LAMAR'S BAD PRANK WON A BUBBA-SIZED TROPHY, in which a 13-year-old vows to spend the summer changing his image from dud to stud, to Kristin Daly at Harper, at auction, in a six-figure deal, in a two-book deal, for publication in 2011 and 2012, by Jennifer Rofe at the Andrea Brown Literary Agency (world).

Amazing, right? It probably goes without saying that her agent rocks too, but just in case you had any doubts here's what Crystal has to say:

Jen, you are a fantastic agent and a wonderful person. I wonder if you really know how much you’ve changed my life. You inspired and challenged me to keep trying and keep writing. You’ve kept me focused and never injected your words or your voice into my story. You allowed me to figure it out and responded quickly when I did.

You’re awesome, Jen, for editing my work and making sure it was perfect before allowing it to be seen by editors. During my tough emotional times, you took off your agent hat and became my friend. Without your helping hand, Lamar would have never come alive. You’ve taught me so much. You still have a schoolteacher’s heart. Thanks, Jen. I appreciate you so much.

Last, but definitely not least, there’s a new hope in the African American writing community. Heads are lifted. Enthusiasm and rejuvenation rings through telephone conversations and emails.

For bringing hope, for jumpstarting dreams again, and for doing all of those things because it’s just a natural part of your heart, you are beyond awesome, and I’m so blessed that you are my agent.


AMAZING. Now that is how an agent/author relationship is supposed to work. Thanks for sharing your story with us, Crystal! We can't wait to read all about Lamar and his bubba sized trophy!
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Thursday, December 10, 2009

It's Electric


Ok, Lisa is still wearing her angry Uggs and after her happy song ended up involving someone scattering ashes I decided it was time to ban her from the blog until the peppermint ice cream has had time to do its work. In the meantime, I went to see Wicked with my mom and managed to find the one person in the universe who is more pissed off than Lisa right now. Shocking, I know. Here's how it went down...

Shortly after the "Popular" song (one of my favorites), an annoying alarm-type sound began blaring backstage. At first, I wondered if it was apart of the show, but the sound continued. And the show went on, of course. Anyways, people were getting a little annoyed, looking around, etc., but nothing extreme.

Then Elphaba (played by an understudy named Meredith Kaye Clark, who was amazing) broke into her "I'm Not That Girl" number...you know emotionally-charged, on the stage alone, spotlight, etc.

And that's when the obscenities began ringing through the back of the theater.

It sounded something like this, "THIS IS NOT F****** FAIR! I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS! LET ME GO! I WILL NOT F****** LEAVE!"

The woman's tirade continued throughout most of Elphaba's big moment and she continued without a hitch as practically everyone in the theatre turned around to see what was happening. Many audience members shouted out for the woman to stop, and the red coats (senior citizen volunteer ushers) struggled to wrangle the woman out of the theater.

I sat with my mouth open willing the crazy woman to shut the (insert obsenity here) up and get the (insert obsenity here) out of the theatre. We felt really bad for Elphaba, but were happy to give her a standing ovation after her song was over and the woman was escorted out.

During intermission, the red coats were all talking about the bat-shit crazy woman. In fact, everyone was. During intermission we gossiped with a girl in the bathroom (who we initially thought could see all the goings-on in the theatre because she was so freakishly tall, but in reality was just seated very close to the aforementioned pissier-than-Lisa-girl). She told us that the crazy girl was drunk, calling out (probably during the annoying alarm sound) and was asked to leave. But she had other plans and would not budge or shut the (insert obsenity here) up. Red coats called the police, who resorted to TASERING her and eventually arresting her crazy ass. Yeah.

See, even theatre is more exciting and way classier in Cleveland. Who's coming to visit!?
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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I'm Still Wearing the Pink Uggs but...

I'm also listening to this song on repeat and (dare I say it?) I'm starting to feel slightly better. My friend Carly (who occasionally reads this blog and makes fun of the amount of prosecco I ingest) put this on a mix for me. And it just makes me happy, so I thought I'd share.



Sorry for all the negativity lately. Hopefully this will make up for it. You literally can't be in a bad mood when you listen to this song. Also, Laura is putting me on blog probation because I'm in such a craptastic mood.

How about one more day of pouting and then we all get happy? Maybe then Laura will let me have the blog back...
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So you've had a bad day...

You know what? I'm having a really, really craptastic day (and I'm not alone...). My problems are really lame and minor in the grand scheme of things, so please don't waste your pity on me. Unless as a result of your pity you'd like to send Twizzlers or prosecco. In that case, e-mail me for my address and let's throw a pity party!

The good news is that I'm pretty good at cheering myself up.

This little clip is a pretty good start:


Add in a carton of this:




And a few pages of this:


And then I slip my feet into these:


And I usually start to feel a little bit better.

And yes, I'm fully aware that no one over the age of six should be wearing pink Uggs. My friends have staged interventions trying to get me to throw them out, but I love them. They're my depression shoes. You see me in them and you know I'm in a pissy mood. Personally, I think it's good for people to have a little warning.

So, dear blogosphere, (Wow, even when I'm depressed I can still rhyme. Nice.) consider yourself on notice. The pink Uggs are out and I'm all whiney. Feel free to ignore me until I'm back in my regularly scheduled black riding boots.
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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tell the Truth Tuesday

1. I found Gossip Girl slightly confusing last night. What does that say about my mental capacity?

2. I'm feeling very anti-Christmas shopping this year. What is wrong with me? Where is my capitalist Christmas spirit?

3. My house currently looks like Santa Claus threw up inside of it. Christmas lights of every color are plastered to every available surface. Jack thought it would be fun to have all of our outdoor Christmas lights inside this year and because my house will never look like this, I figured what the hell.

4. I sort of want to do another vlog. Maybe a LiLa holiday special?

5. My daughter now thinks Blake Lively and Laura are the same person. My husband stopped the Saturday Night Live recording to watch his stupid football game in HD, so I was forced to watch clips of the show on-line. Mia crawled into my lap and wanted to know who the host was, so I told her Auntie Laura. She was totally impressed.

6. I sort of want it to snow here. It hasn't really snowed at all in Cleveland yet which is unprecedented for December. I know I'm going to be kicking myself for this come January, but I'd love a little snow. The kids get so excited when they see a few flakes that I can't imagine what they'll do when we have a few inches.

7. Spanx have changed my life. I wish there was some way to have them permanently stapled to my body. I'd consider stitches, but then there's that whole issue with the bathroom...

8. I had no idea how incredible our blog followers truly are. Your comments yesterday were amazing. Even though you're virtual friends, it means a lot that you've got our backs. You guys are going to make great soldiers when it's time for Phase 4 in World Domination.

9. I haven't sent a single holiday card this year. I'm totally planning on sending them...eventually.

10. Santa is going green. Our kids have tons of aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins who love to spoil them every Christmas, and as a result we end up storing some of their Christmas gifts so we can break out some of the new toys in February after they've gotten bored of the old stuff. Well, last year I sort of forgot about all the toys that we had stored, so I'm wrapping them up and putting them under the tree again. I'm trying to put a green/recycling/eco-friendly spin on it, but really it just feels sort of cheap. Oh well...

So...what's your truth this Tuesday?
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Monday, December 7, 2009

Taking the High Road

I'd like to go on the record as saying that taking the high road sucks. Seriously. Everyone always advocates being the bigger person, but it's not even remotely easy for a lot of reasons.

1. Taking the high road typically involves letting other people talk shit about you. Yup, that's right. You get to hold your head up high and not say anything at all while people accuse you of all sorts of terrible things behind your back. Fun!

2. Sometimes having the strength to take the high road means that others just automatically assume you're a bitch. Yes, it's true. Apparently, being strong (and incidentally, right) leads people to believe that you are malicious. And unfortunately when in being-the-bigger-person-mode, you very rarely get to correct anyone about their erroneous assumptions (see #1). Instead you get to wait until they figure it out on their own. Which leads me to #3...

3. Most people will not figure things out on their own. In fact, most people will automatically believe the person who is vocally spreading lies, while you (stupid bastard that you are) are too busy holding your head high to address any of the rumors. Isn't this fun?

But here's the thing, as much as taking the high road sucks it's really the only way to go. I'm not saying it's the easiest route, but at least you'll know that when you're walking it you've done everything you can to do the right thing. At least you'll know you've tried to be honest and stand up for what you believe in.

I guess the good news is that I've met some really fabulous people on the high road. They beat those bitches hanging out on Catty Corner and Liar Lane hands down.
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Friday, December 4, 2009

D-Bag-O-Meter: Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,
We’re not sure if you’ve heard or not, but alleged cheaters? D-Bag-O-Meter no likey. Remember this and this? In the words of DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba (Lydia’s fave), let’s “break it down.”

1. Your wife is gorgeous. She's a former model and a former nanny. Pretty much the perfect woman, right? So let’s get this straight. You allegedly chose her and her and her over the mother of your children who also happens to be a former model? Interesting.

2. You have kids. We know children can sometimes complicate things. They can be needy, demanding and sometimes annoying. But they’re also innocent, loving and really, really cute. Congratulations. You’ve just given them more of a reason to hate you throughout adolescence. Hope you negotiated who pays for therapy in that fancy prenup of yours.

3. You pride yourself on your pristine image. Oh Tiger, you're always so holier than thou. You walk around that golf course like you've got one of your clubs up your...well, you know where we're going with that. So, how's that whole staying out of the tabloids and maintaining a private life thing working out for you? We get that you’re rich and powerful, but did you really think you wouldn’t get caught? And even worse you tried to pretend that your hot-ex-model-wife was using a golf club to break you out of the car? Dude, the American public may be overweight and undereducated, but we've all watched Jerry Springer.

4. You’re a role model. Not only do little kids look up to you, but my husband does as well. First Josh Duhamel and now you? He has a freaking Wheaties box with your picture on it still sitting on his book shelf at his parent’s house and if I would have let him I'm 99% sure he would have hung a poster of you doing your stupid hand pump in our bed room. You've officially crushed the dreams of man-children across the globe. Not cool, Tiger, not cool.

5. Now we have to spend the rest of 2009 suffering through headlines, tweets, Facebook status updates, texts, etc. featuring some combination of the words “Tiger is a cheetah.” Brutal.

I could go on, but the D-Bag-O-Meter is ready to pounce. (See what I did there? Tiger? Pounce? Genius right?)



The D-Bag-O-Meter has spoken. Rumor has it Ed Hardy is coming up with a line of golf shirts in your honor. I smell a sponsorship! Tell Jon we say hello.
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Thursday, December 3, 2009

When Writers Don't Write Part 3

My task today was world denomination domination. Thank you Little Ms. J. for the fantabulous (her word, not mine) suggestion.

The truth is we've already sort of put our world domination plan in motion. Phase One involved creating this blog which is great for you guys because once we've obtained absolute power we certainly won't forget all the little people who helped make it happen. Did I mention that we're going to need revolutionaries volunteers for Phase Three? No? Well, I'll save that for another post.

Anyways, part of Phase Two was an interview with the fabulous people over at the QueryTracker Blog. For those of you who aren't familiar with QueryTracker, please, please go and check out their blog, website and forums. Not only do they have a comprehensive listing of all the literary agents in the business they also have some amazing writers who hang out in the forums and take lots of time to help and critique newbies. It's truly a fantastic community.

Big thanks to ElanaJ and all the fantastic people at QueryTracker who have helped us get one step closer to world domination. If we ever get around to launching our world denomination plan (Phase 4 of world domination) we'll totally incorporate QueryTracker's web address in our currency. You can print stuff on Twizzlers, right?
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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

When Writers Don't Write Part 2

Yeah, so a lot of you really thought I should take a nap, and really who am I to argue with advice from people like Little Ms. J, Karen, Rebecca Knight, Confused Homemaker, Stephanie Thornton, Tess and Krispy.

Mia and I had a girls day. We went to story hour and then to a holiday lunch afterwards with a few of our girlfriends. A good time was had by all. The girls had lemonade and when one of my friends ordered a round of prosecco I felt obligated to have a glass. I mean I think we can all agree that it's just wrong to let good prosecco go to waste. So, mother daughter lunch was followed up with a nice mother daughter nap.

Yeah, this whole napping thing is a slippery slope. I could totally get used to a quick hour of shut eye around 2 PM. (I could also get used to a tiny little glass of prosecco with my lunch, but that's a whole different problem...) Let's just hope our edits arrive before any unattractive habits develop.

Thanks for the fabulous advice ladies. Stay tuned as I work my way through some of your other suggestions as the week goes on.
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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

When Writers Don't Write Part 1

Ok, so I've gotten some fabulous time suck suggestions in the comments and I think this week I'm going to try a handful of them. Yes, I really am that desperate. Don't judge me. The City isn't on until tomorrow night.

First up: Knitting.

The lovely Annette Lyon suggested I take up this relaxing pass time and this image immediately came to mind.

That sad picture is a crochet scarf I started in July 2008. I remember it perfectly. We were in Baltimore visiting Laura and crafty little Stacey was knitting a baby blanket. As I watched her needles fly knitting one and pearling two I was jealous. She was doing something. She was creating. Meanwhile, the highlight of my life was reality television and I was stuck working a job I despised.

Watching her blanket grow over the course of the weekend I knew exactly what I needed to do. I had to start knitting. Visions of myself whipping up beautiful sweaters while watching The Real Housewives of Orange County danced before my eyes. Bliss.

My dreams were shattered when Stacey broke the news to me that knitting is like a 9/10 on the crafty scale. Sadly my skill level hovers in the low twos. Like any good sister she knows my limitations. Anyways, she figured crocheting might be more my speed.

Yeah, I think my little picture demonstrates that was clearly not the case.

A week later Laura and I had the big talk and decided to write a book. I haven't touched that wretched scarf since.

Hell. Yeah.
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Don't call this a comeback

So it’s been a minute. Or 10. Or truthfully more like 2,102,400. At least we think that’s how many minutes there are in 3 years, but let...