Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Ghost of Christmas Past

In honor of the impending holidays I'm reposting one of our favorite Christmas posts from last December. And by "our" I mean, me, Laura and my mom because we were the only three people reading this blog at the time. Sad, but true.

***

So, those of you who know me, know that my dear husband has a horrible track record when it comes to giving gifts. His heart is always in the right place and he really does try to pick out things he thinks I'll like, but it's inevitably all wrong.

Here's a little Christmas gift timeline for you.

1995 - This is the first Christmas we were dating and I was 16-years-old. I got a HUGE bottle of Eternity perfume and a plaid Gap button down. Size Men's Large. Yeah, just for the record, I'm 5'3. The sad reality is that this actually one of his better Christmas gifts. I actually liked the perfume and let's face it, the grunge look was totally in, so a ginourmous shirt wasn't that horrible. Although I think I might actually have returned it. It was THAT big.

1996 - An opal ring. At the time I totally loved this gift. Opal was my birthstone and it was heart shaped with some itty-bitty diamonds on the side. In my 17-year-old mind it was the epitome of style and class. Unfortunately my tastes have evolved over the years and I just had my mom liquidate the thing at one of those gold parties where they pay you for your old gold jewelry. Yeah, I'm not exactly the sentimental type and I made $189! Of course that included the opal earrings he got me too. And the heinous heart shaped diamond necklace. In my defense, I saved the bracelet, ok?

1997 - Now this is the year things really started to go downhill. I'll never forget Ken coming over on Christmas morning with a huge garment bag with the words "Petite Sophisticate" emblazoned across it. I remember thinking, well at least he's realized I'm a small person. That's got to be a good sign.

And then I opened it.

"It" was a pair of brown corduroy pants, completely tapered at the ankle, yet loose through the hips and thighs. I think they used to call this a relaxed fit back in the day. They looked a little bit like textured, brown, Hammer pants and they were practically guaranteed to add about 20 pounds.

Sexy!

There was also a matching corduroy, brown blazer that hit at about mid-thigh, last seen in the closets of substitute teachers across the country. To top off this dung-colored ensemble, he had purchased an over-sized brown, striped, button down shirt and a pair of matching brown socks.

After Ken left I tried the whole outfit on for the fam and Laura and Stacey almost peed their pants.

1998 - 2005 - These years are all sort of a blur. I think there was a cashmere sweater somewhere in there that I actually liked. Oh and who could forget the cooking lessons! That was the first year we were married. Nothing says Merry Christmas (now get your ass in the kitchen and make me some meatloaf) like cooking lessons.

2005 - This was Jack's first Christmas, my first official Christmas as a mom. And what do I find under the tree? A Victoria's Secret, hot pink, velour sweat suit with the word "Sexy" emblazoned across the butt in rhinestones. Can't you just picture me showing up at playgroup in that get-up? Hilarious. TGFGR. (Thank God For Gift Receipts)

2006 - A cashmere poncho. Fuschia. Returned at Nordstrom's the very next day.

2007 - Umm..can't remember. But I'm sure I returned it. He got me a barn jacket that I've since seen Laura's MIL banging around in for my 30th birthday, so that should give you an indication of what his gift must have been like. Not. Good.

2008 - TBD. I can't wait to see what he comes up with this year. If I was picking out my own gift there would be one of these or maybe these and if I was really lucky one of THESE underneath my Christmas Tree. But I know Ken, and I'm not holding my breath.

The truth is holidays are actually more fun this way. I never know what I'm going to unwrap Christmas morning, and you know what? That's just the way I like it.

42 comments:

Ian said...

Only a woman could remember each, well almost each and every year's gift. The wife remembers what she wore on our first three dates, 9 years ago. I can't remember what I wore last week lol go figure.

Melissa said...

haha adorable...I love this post. Christmas brings back the greatest memories. I definitely can't remember all my gifts though!

Jemi Fraser said...

LOL :) You must be giggling with anticipation when you start opening gifts!

Jill Wheeler said...

So what did you get last year? God, whoever thought tapered pants were a good idea? They didn't look good on ANYONE.

storyqueen said...

The petite sophisticate had to be the best!! Too funy.

My husband always gets me shoes.

Seriously. shoes. And not like sexy shoes.....just shoes.


Shelley

Nisa said...

lol! I love it and I love your attitude about it too. It is more exciting that way. Where will you have to go to return your gift this year? *grin*

Erica said...

LOL - that's hilarious - Oooo brown corduroy... yeah, wow. I tell my husband what to get me, and he tells me, no surprises, but I always like what I get ;o)

Can't wait to hear what your husband gets you this year!!

Happy Holidays to both of you :o)

Christina Lee said...

too funny--aren't gift cards fabulous? hey it was a good effort with the poncho that was cashmere-LOL!

Kerri C at CK Farm said...

I'm glad you re-posted this, now I am curious to read more about the beginning of your journey!

Thanks for the giggle this morning!

You have me wondering what will be under your tree this year lol!

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

It's the thought that counts--but sometimes you wonder, What were they thinking???

Kristi said...

I love the cooking lessons. My friend once got a case of motor oil under the tree from her hubby - he thought he was being funny.

On the first Christmas with my hubby, he told me he got me a waffle iron for my gift. When he gave it to me, it was actually a diamond ring. Much better than a waffle iron!

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

OMG that's hilarious--are there any pictures of the brown corduroy monster?

Karen said...

See, I have the opposite problem. Hubbykins will watch/listen all year long waiting for me to make a tiny statement in March about something I've had my eye on and then remember it the ***entire*** year and lo and behold, there it is under the tree. I used to try to keep up with him, but I've given up. I just wait until he's made an extravegant purchase for himself, then say it's his Christmas gift.

Loretta Nyhan said...

Oooh, tell me you got those wellies last year! Too cute.

My hub is just as bad...

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Ha! That's awesome! Sounds like he's really trying, though! I agree with Ian... only we would be able to remember and keep track of this!

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

Oh you poor thing! But I can sympathize. I've gotten some real jimmy-winners myself. Worse ever? A dust vac and a lacy moo-moo better suited to my great grandma. I have to wonder sometimes if he's going for some sort of record. After the moo-moo, I finally laid down the law: No clothing of any kind. Ever. And if it cleans anything, wrap it up and tag it with your own name!


I'm hopeful, however, that our men don't get us such hideous gifts because they actually view us as the people who would use them.

JennyMac said...

the giant plaid button downs were a big hit at some point in sad fashion retrospect. I wore them too..and XXL which was like wearing a circus tent.

Dara said...

Hysterical! You'll have to let us know what you got this year.

I've been blessed with a husband that has an incredibly scary talent at surprising me with things I never knew I wanted...this year he's hiding something from me in the basement and I'm resisting the urge to see what it is...

ElanaJ said...

LOL! Gift-giving is so freaking hard. I just tell my husband not to get me anything. He always does though, and it's usually good.

Stephanie Thornton said...

LOL I give my husband a list and tell him to pick something. He's not totally hopeless, but can still use the help.

I love the plaid shirt ordeal. I'd say it's the thought that counts, but... :)

Shannon O'Donnell said...

I want to know what he got you last year! ;) My sister-in-law got a can opener as a wedding gift from her new hubby! :-)

Donna Gambale said...

Wowwww. A for effort, at least! And now I'll go thank my boyfriend for being an excellent gift-giver.

Rebecca Knight said...

Okay, this is hilarious. Poor Ken! It sounds like he's at least trying :).

I used to have this issue w/ my grandpa buying me clothes when I was a kid. Note to all gift givers: If you own powder blue slacks that go up to your armpits, you don't get to pick out clothing for a young woman. Just. No.

Gift receipts are a wonderful thing :).

Natalie said...

I am actually laughing out loud. That was too funny! The dung colored ensemble was my favorite.

emery said...

My boyfriend and I unwrapped presents this weekend, and I got the fleece inserts for the boots you mentioned. I was like, "Great...boot-shaped socks."

He swears that the actual boots are being shipped.

Kate said...

Ha ha I love this post. I wonder what you will end up with this year the brown corduroy is hilarious!

Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

Tabitha Bird said...

Best Christmas gift I ever got was a chihuahua pup! I loved her so :)


Merry Christmas girls!

Alissa said...

Ha ha. A certain ex-boyfriend got me a dozen roses for Christmas one year. As in, that was my present, flowers. He learned his lesson and the next year he got me a men's fleece pullover from Old Navy. Actually he bought 2 of them one for me and one for his mom. Instead of wrapping them, he brought them in from his car and asked me if I would prefer the the blue one or the red one. I said the blue one. He was disappointed because he had been thinking his mom might like the blue one more. (Then why did you ask!?) I kept the blue one. I think I still have it somewhere. He's long since been returned.

Shannon Messenger said...

Wow. See, this is why I ALWAYS leave dog eared magazines with circled items lying around for my husband to find before I let him buy me a gift. Our strategy: I narrow it down to about 10 things I'd love to get, then he surprises me with which one he actually pics. Win Win. But not nearly as funny. And now I'm hoping he gets you something blog worthy (just so long as you can still return it.) :)

Conda V. Douglas said...

Long life the difference between men and women! It brings so much delight to our lives!

Kelly H-Y said...

Hilarious! I can't wait to hear what happens this year ... maybe it will be a pleasant surprise! :-)

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

Left a little something for you on my blog! Check it out! http://carol-in-print.blogspot.com/2009/12/have-blog-will-follow.html

Icy Roses said...

Not to be totally redundant with every comment, but this is the best post ever. Cooking lessons! I thought those were cute until you put it that way, lol. Dancing lessons, maybe, would've been the better option.

Do your husbands read your blog? I wonder what you're going to get this year!

Shelli said...

tee hee - maybe some argyle socks and soap on a rope.

Sara ♥ said...

hahahah I love this...


Darn it Carolina Valdez MILLER. She's beating me to all of my fave blogs, but I also left a little something for you two at my blog!

Sarah said...

Hahaha! I love this post; I'm glad you reposted it! Brown hammer pants. Class-ique.

Seriously...do you still have them? I can think of a few celebrities that would give an arm and a leg to wear them at their next big premiere.

Katie said...

I would like to say that I was a follower "way back when" cuz I totally remember this post :-)

love it!!!!

Solvang Sherrie said...

I sympathize. My husband has good intentions, but some of his gifts are questionable too :)

Lunar Amyscope said...

First of all- Dudes!! Look at the massive amount of comments and followers! You guys are freakin' famous. I love it!

Secondly...my favorite was the fuschia poncho. LOL! Can't wait to see what is under the tree this year!

Melissa said...

LOL! I think my favorite item(s) on the list was the dung-colored outfit from Petite Sophisticate. Awesome!

I actually have the opposite problem with my husband. He goes all out and makes my gifts to him look horrible in comparison. However, we each confessed last night that our favorite gift for the other cost about $10. What's that say about us?!

On a slightly related note, my husband's now-deceased grandmother (who was in the early stages of dementia) once gave him a container of throat lozenges - already opened, and one of them used!

Kimberly Franklin said...

Awww...how sweet and sad at the same time. Boys. Sometimes, they don't have a clue do they?

What a sweet and funny story!

Katie Plato said...

HILARIOUS!!! I love 1997's gift. Laughed so hard when I read this.