We’re not sure if you’ve heard or not, but alleged cheaters? D-Bag-O-Meter no likey. Remember this and this? In the words of DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba (Lydia’s fave), let’s “break it down.”
1. Your wife is gorgeous. She's a former model and a former nanny. Pretty much the perfect woman, right? So let’s get this straight. You allegedly chose her and her and her over the mother of your children who also happens to be a former model? Interesting.
2. You have kids. We know children can sometimes complicate things. They can be needy, demanding and sometimes annoying. But they’re also innocent, loving and really, really cute. Congratulations. You’ve just given them more of a reason to hate you throughout adolescence. Hope you negotiated who pays for therapy in that fancy prenup of yours.
3. You pride yourself on your pristine image. Oh Tiger, you're always so holier than thou. You walk around that golf course like you've got one of your clubs up your...well, you know where we're going with that. So, how's that whole staying out of the tabloids and maintaining a private life thing working out for you? We get that you’re rich and powerful, but did you really think you wouldn’t get caught? And even worse you tried to pretend that your hot-ex-model-wife was using a golf club to break you out of the car? Dude, the American public may be overweight and undereducated, but we've all watched Jerry Springer.
4. You’re a role model. Not only do little kids look up to you, but my husband does as well. First Josh Duhamel and now you? He has a freaking Wheaties box with your picture on it still sitting on his book shelf at his parent’s house and if I would have let him I'm 99% sure he would have hung a poster of you doing your stupid hand pump in our bed room. You've officially crushed the dreams of man-children across the globe. Not cool, Tiger, not cool.
5. Now we have to spend the rest of 2009 suffering through headlines, tweets, Facebook status updates, texts, etc. featuring some combination of the words “Tiger is a cheetah.” Brutal.