Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Lisa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DRUG TEST

So as you might have read yesterday, I'm heading back into the world of the working. Hoorah! Unfortunately, there's a lot of annoying hoops you have to jump through before you can become all official. One of those hoops just happens to be a drug test.

Let me just say this upfront, a drug test is just about the only test I'm confident I can pass with flying colors at this point in my life. Sadly, I can't say the same for a driving test. Parallel parking is a bitch.

Anywho, last week I reluctantly made an appointment for my drug test at my local testing facility. Hilarity ensued. Here's the breakdown:

6:44 AM: House is completely silent. Everyone is still asleep. This ONLY happens when we have to leave early, so naturally I set the alarm on my phone the night before.
6:45 AM: Alarm on my phone goes off. 
6:46 AM: Hit snooze.
6:47 AM: Listen for children, hear nothing. Curse them for only sleeping in when we have to be at school early.
6:48 AM: Fall back asleep.
6:50 AM: Alarm goes off again.
6:51 AM: Decide to scratch the shower in favor of sleeping for another 15 minutes.
7:15 AM: Finally drag myself out of bed.
7:18 AM: Yank my hair into a greasy ponytail and deeply regret my decision to forgo a shower.
7:25 AM: Wake up all three kids and attempt to get them ready for public consumption.
7:49 AM: Realize I've failed when I see that Mia has her shoes on the wrong feet and Jack's hair makes him look like the fifth member of A Flock of Seagulls
7:50 AM: Pretend not to notice and head to school.
8:08 AM: Arrive at Jack's school brunch 8 minutes late only to find that we're the first people there.
8:09 AM: Curse myself for being the only sucker guilted into dragging three kids out of bed for this crap.
8:10 AM: The second person to arrive is the mom who sent me an email about a play date that I ignored because her son may/or may not be the spawn of Satan. 
8:11 AM: Die a little inside.
8:12 AM: Start shoving food into Ben's face to avoid questions about future playdates and/or speculation that her son is the anti-Christ.
9:15 AM: Watch Jack's music performance and try to pretend that I'm listening to the songs instead of thinking about how badly he needs a hair cut.
9:22 AM: Look down at a smiling Ben in his car seat and congratulate myself for bringing him with me instead of wasting money on a baby sitter.
9:48 AM: Catch an unsavory scent coming from the general direction of my 7-month-old.
9:51 AM: Spawn of Satan's mom tries to corner me, but I gesture apologetically at the baby and make a hasty exit. First time in ages I've actually been excited about a poopy diaper.
9:52 AM: Layer public changing table with paper towels and assess Ben's "situation."
9:53 AM: There's poop everywhere, including (but not limited to) Ben's back, legs, and inexplicably his left foot.
9:54 AM: Die a little inside.
9:55 AM: Regret making fun of Laura for carrying a diaper bag around for 2 years when I realize I don't have a change of clothes for Ben.
9:56 AM: Throw away Ben's onesie, manage to remove most of the large chunks of feces with three semi-wet baby wipes that have been in the bottom of my purse since Jack's birth and put Ben in his t-shirt and a hoodie. 
9:57 AM: Hum a few bars of Pants on the Ground and stuff Ben back into his infant carrier, carefully covering his pantless legs with the cozy attached to the seat.
9:58 AM: Toss the carrier back into the base in my car and head to the nearest drug testing facility.
10:14 AM: Congratulate myself for managing to arrive early for my 10:45 appointment and try to grab the infant seat out of the car.
10:15 AM: Infant seat doesn't budge.
10:16 AM: Remember that the only stroller I have is the Snap N' Go that must be used with the infant carrier. 
10:17 AM: Remove pantless child from seat and place him tenderly in the front seat of the car.
10:18 AM: Attempt to pry the infant seat from the base using various inanimate objects found in my car including, A Glee CD case, a ballpoint pen and a pair of Dora sunglasses.
10:42 AM: Uninstall the car seat from the car and briefly consider kicking it across the parking lot and/or lighting it on fire.

10:43 AM: Realize that in two more minutes I'll miss my drug testing appointment.
10:44 AM: Briefly consider carrying the naked child into the facility but remember I won't have anywhere to put him EXCEPT THE FLOOR OF THE DIRTY BATHROOM while I'll be peeing into a cup.
10:44 AM: Pop pantless child into the basket of the Snap N' Go Stroller. As you can see from the picture, it looks vaguely like one of those shopping carts that old ladies use to carry their groceries.
10:45 AM: Avoid judgey looks from other people walking into the drug testing facility.
10:46 AM: Push pantless baby into the drug testing office and have this conversation: 

Me: Hi, I have a 10:45 appointment for a drug test. Sorry I'm a little late...
Lovely lady behind the counter: You can't bring your baby up in here.
Me: Seriously?
Lovely lady behind the counter: *Slams the sliding glass window in my face and knocks twice on the glass where there's a picture of a baby with a huge red line through it.*

10:47 AM: Do the walk of shame out of the drug testing facility.
10:48 AM: One of the drug testing patrons gives Ben a disgusted look and I notice a rogue smear of poop on his thigh.
10:48 AM: Die a little inside.
10:50 AM: Get back to the car only to remember that I uninstalled the car seat and can't reinstall it.
10:51 AM: Jerry-rig the car seat in the most unsafe installation job you can imagine and head back to school to pick up the kids.
12:13 PM: Call husband to see if he can be home in time for me to take my damn drug test.
12:14 PM: He can't.
12:15 PM: Nosy neighbor pulls up to see me carrying around a pantless Ben while trying to break up a wrestling match between Jack and Mia.
12:16 PM: She wants to chat. Of course.
12:17 PM: I'm so flustered that I drop a couple of f-bombs.
12:18 PM: Nosy neighbor smiles and I can practically hear her telling everyone on our street about the trashy girl with the three kids who lugs around half naked children and regularly drops f-bombs in casual conversation.
12:19 PM: Die a little inside.
12:59 PM: Beg my friend to take all three of my kids so I can pee in a cup after nap time.
1:00 PM: She agrees.
4:00 PM: Wake Ben up from a dead sleep for the second time in one day so I can get to the drug testing facility before they close.
4:20 PM: Grab a bottle of wine on my way out the door to my friend's house. I figure she'll need it after an hour with five kids.
4:35 PM: Snag the last appointment of the day for my drug test.
4:40 PM: They call my name, I head to the back and have this conversation with THE SAME WOMAN who kicked me out earlier:

Not-so-lovely-lady behind the counter: Put your bag on the chair and pee in this cup. Bathroom's right there. No flushing, no running water.
Me: Um, ok. Thanks.
Not-so-lovely-lady behind the counter: You pregnant? You've got the cutest little baby bump.
Me: Uh, no.
Not-so-lovely-lady behind the counter: I was gonna say, that's a tiny little bump.
Me: Yeah, that's just a muffin top.

4:41 PM: Die a little inside.
4:42 PM: Slam the door to the bathroom and attempt to pee in the cup.
4:43 PM: Can't pee.
4:44 PM: Not-so-lovely-lady-behind the counter screeches, "TIMES UP! What's going on in there?"
4:45 PM: Die a little inside.
4:35 PM: Reply that I don't have enough pee for the test, she tells me that I have to come out of the bathroom immediately. 
4:46 PM: Based on the look on the woman's face I'm lucky she's not frisking me for contraband urine.
4:47 PM: She deems the tiny amount of urine I managed to squeeze out sufficient for drug testing purposes.
4:48 PM: I drive home from the facility wondering if I've eaten anything that might set off a false positive.
5:05 PM: Finally back at my friend's house. She has Skinny Girl margaritas chilling and I can almost forget that this day happened.



Laura Pauling said...

But Ben sure looked like he was having fun! Hilarious. I hate those kind of poop days. It always happens at the wrong times. :)

J. L. Jackson said...

Wow! What a day. Of course, it's hilarious to us.

~The Book Pixie said...

I don't think I could have woken up to a more hilarious post! So sorry you had to deal with all that but you'll laugh about it later. Or maybe not. I know my mom and I just did. :P Have to agree with Laura above, Ben sure looked like he was having a blast at your expense. lol.


KatieO said...

Sorry to laugh, but oh my god! Remember that "poop happens," especially to moms of small children ;-)

Katie P said...

Oh my gosh!!! Tears are streaming down my face!! That was HILARIOUS! My favorite was the picture of pantless Ben smiling in the basket of the snap and go. Priceless!!! Thanks for that great laugh this morning. I gotta go get a Kleenex.

Katie Anderson said...

THIS is your book, my friend. Write about juggling life with kids. It's hysterical!

Misha said...

Hehehe I hope tomorrow goes better for you. :-)

B.E. Sanderson said...

I'm sorry for your bad day, but thanks for giving me a morning grin. =o)

Forget anyone who gave you strange looks about Ben being pantsless. He doesn't look scarred by the experience. He looks like he's having a blast.

lexcade said...

Oh honey... This is the sort of thing that only happens to you. *hugs*

I hope you can look back on this day (or at least this post) and laugh your ass off.

Christine Fonseca said...

Is it wrog that I cn't.stop.laughing????

Simon C. Larter said...

I LOLed. I confess.

It was li'l Ben in the basket that did it, really. That and the rogue particles of poo. They always hide at least one, don't they?

Um...congrats on heading back into the work world?


Sarah said...

hy-sterical. maybe it was all worth this fabulous blog post??

Janet Johnson said...

Such fun! You gotta love it. But sharing makes it all better, right? ;)

Matthew MacNish said...

There is nothing more honorable that battling poo that has somehow managed to launch its way all the way up your child's back. How much gastro-intestinal force must it take for poop to end up in my child's hair?

Granted, it's been years, but I remember it like yesterday.

Your honesty is encouraging, but I probably wouldn't have believed all of this without proof. Luckily, you have photos!

And I just noticed that the new me has almost overtaken the old me in your top commenters cloud.

Matthew MacNish said...

I think I'll comment twice, just to show the old me.

storyqueen said...

Curses! Foiled by the rogue smear of poo!

I laughed so hard at this post!


Hardygirl said...


Please tell me you didn't have a poppy seed muffin for breakfast ...

Jessi said...

I'm crying! CRYING Lisa! OMG, this...I just laughed so hard I'm sure I peed enough for a drug test!

Rhonda said...

Okay, so your day sucked - but you didn't have to give in to a play date with the potential son of Satan, right? *small victories*

Also? That lady behind the counter needs to lighten up already - she collects pee for a living for Pete's sake!

Nisa said...

Oh man! Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad is an understatement. I'm so sorry! On the bright side, it makes a very good blog story.

K. M. Walton said...

THAT was some funny, funny stuff. The photo of Ben in the stroller was perfection. Kudos on having the wherewithal to snap photos in your most desperate of moments.

Book ♥ Soulmates said...

Oh good Lord, can I give you a hug, immediately followed by another round of margaritas??? You are a friggin' champ after surviving a day like that! LOL

Truth be told, walking into a drug testing facility with a pantless child sitting in the "bucket" of a stroller could not possibly having boded very well. Oh and can we please tell "Not-so-lovely-lady behind the counter" to eff off! Dude, she made ME angry just reading about the attitude she gave ou, haha.

Hope your days get a little better now!

Tere Kirkland said...

Sadly, I think I know why they don't allow people to bring their babies into the drug testing facility. :P

Glad things worked out for you in the end, and doesn't little Benny look like he had a fun day?!

beth said...

I just wanted you to know that I'm laughing at your pain :P

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Oh, my gosh, Lisa! What a terrible day. You poor thing. I'd say your post title is perfect for this one! :-)

Stasia said...

Once had a similar poop experience with my youngest. Luckily we were in Nordstrom's at the time. Threw his entire outfit in the trast. Carried naked baby up to fancy Nordy's children's dept and bought the cheapest thing I could find: A neon yellow sleeper with big black cows printed all over it. Dressed him at the cash register :)

Nicole Zoltack said...

Oh no! At least Ben looked happy. That has to count for something.

Maggie said...

This is amazing. My favorite part is how proud the little guy looks of himself sitting pantsless in the bottom of the stroller. Also, I think I might have smacked pee lady at least once if I were you...

Elana Johnson said...

Ha! I shouldn't laugh at this, but it's so funny! I love that you couldn't re-install the car seat. I hate those stupid things! And I'm glad you got your test done.

Sara B. Larson said...

Oh my word, I'm so sorry that you went through all that, but I am laughing hysterically. Only because as a fellow mother of young children, I completely understand that kind of day. More or less. ;)

Shannon Whitney Messenger said...

I am an evil, horrible person for laughing about this (especially since I don't have kids). But it's just WAY too funny.

I would hug you, but I'm worried about errant baby poop. ;)

Marsha Sigman said...

Ok, people are starting to peer into my office as I continue to laugh hysterically. I may have actually snorted.

What the hell is up with that left foot and poop? It's like a tic.

And Ben looks so happy.hahha
Also, all counter peeps at drug testing facilities are trained to be rude and suspicious.

Krispy said...

Oh, what a day. Well, at least it's over and you had the drug test done! Yay for small victories?

Samantha VĂ©rant said...

Oh. My. God. No, really. You had me a rogue poo. Laughing with you...

Rebecca Knight said...

Welp, I think this post just steralized me ;).

You poor thing!!! But hey, on the bright side, at least you have a hilarious story to tell now.

You guys routinely make my day with these posts :).

Almerinda Rosalia said...

OMG too funny! Love it!

Jemi Fraser said...

You definitely earned some kind of drink after that kind of day!!!

Stephsco said...

Mom of the Year, to you! Seriously, credit to you for finding the humor in all of this. The photo is hilarious... he looks so happy in the makeshift stroller!!

Sarah Wylie said...

Eek, what a crazy (yet hilarious...for blog readers) day! Does it help that Ben looks adorable? :)

Gennifer Albin said...

thank you for this...I mean, sorry your day sucked, but thank you for sharing!

Laura Marcella said...

My hubby and I are still on the fence whether we want to have children or not in the far future. After I read him this post, I'm pretty sure we'll both be in agreement with an N-O. Lol!

BunBun4life said...

HAHAAAAAAA LMAO!! I'm sorry, I am laughing so hard, lady I effing love you. Please, you are 100% normal, don't die a little inside so often. Screw the rest of the world, especially Mz. You cain't bring that baby UP IN HERR.

I remember one time I took my son to the grocery store and I had a cold so I did not smell the ferocious and horrible diarreah poop all over him. As I picked him up to place him in the car, which, for me, entailed holding him close with his booty about neck level, I felt something wet on my face. *gag*

He was wearing his little 'cords' and I pulled off his pants, he had pee'd the poop. It was on his back ALL over his butt, gushed out of both diaper legs, all over his thighs (and now my face) and I mean EVERYWHERE. I didn't even have a wipe or a diaper!!! I had to wipe the poop off with his pants, and let him ride home butt naked basically. XD XD XD

Turns out it was all my fault. I had given him a bowl of chopped up grapes to eat. He was about 14 months old. I told my grandmother about the grapes & before I even told the story she died laughing.

This is basically the most NORMAL blog posting I've read in a while.

THANKS for reminding me we're all human :D

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