Lisa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DRUG TEST

So as you might have read yesterday, I'm heading back into the world of the working. Hoorah! Unfortunately, there's a lot of annoying hoops you have to jump through before you can become all official. One of those hoops just happens to be a drug test.

Let me just say this upfront, a drug test is just about the only test I'm confident I can pass with flying colors at this point in my life. Sadly, I can't say the same for a driving test. Parallel parking is a bitch.

Anywho, last week I reluctantly made an appointment for my drug test at my local testing facility. Hilarity ensued. Here's the breakdown:

6:44 AM: House is completely silent. Everyone is still asleep. This ONLY happens when we have to leave early, so naturally I set the alarm on my phone the night before.

6:45 AM: Alarm on my phone goes off. 

6:46 AM: Hit snooze.

6:47 AM: Listen for children, hear nothing. Curse them for only sleeping in when we have to be at school early.

6:48 AM: Fall back asleep.

6:50 AM: Alarm goes off again.

6:51 AM: Decide to scratch the shower in favor of sleeping for another 15 minutes.

7:15 AM: Finally drag myself out of bed.

7:18 AM: Yank my hair into a greasy ponytail and deeply regret my decision to forgo a shower.

7:25 AM: Wake up all three kids and attempt to get them ready for public consumption.

7:49 AM: Realize I've failed when I see that Mia has her shoes on the wrong feet and Jack's hair makes him look like the fifth member of A Flock of Seagulls. 

7:50 AM: Pretend not to notice and head to school.

8:08 AM: Arrive at Jack's school brunch 8 minutes late only to find that we're the first people there.

8:09 AM: Curse myself for being the only sucker guilted into dragging three kids out of bed for this crap.

8:10 AM: The second person to arrive is the mom who sent me an email about a play date that I ignored because her son may/or may not be the spawn of Satan. 

8:11 AM: Die a little inside.

8:12 AM: Start shoving food into Ben's face to avoid questions about future playdates and/or speculation that her son is the anti-Christ.

9:15 AM: Watch Jack's music performance and try to pretend that I'm listening to the songs instead of thinking about how badly he needs a hair cut.

9:22 AM: Look down at a smiling Ben in his car seat and congratulate myself for bringing him with me instead of wasting money on a baby sitter.

9:48 AM: Catch an unsavory scent coming from the general direction of my 7-month-old.

9:51 AM: Spawn of Satan's mom tries to corner me, but I gesture apologetically at the baby and make a hasty exit. First time in ages I've actually been excited about a poopy diaper.

9:52 AM: Layer public changing table with paper towels and assess Ben's "situation."

9:53 AM: There's poop everywhere, including (but not limited to) Ben's back, legs, and inexplicably his left foot.

9:54 AM: Die a little inside.

9:55 AM: Regret making fun of Laura for carrying a diaper bag around for 2 years when I realize I don't have a change of clothes for Ben.

9:56 AM: Throw away Ben's onesie, manage to remove most of the large chunks of feces with three semi-wet baby wipes that have been in the bottom of my purse since Jack's birth and put Ben in his t-shirt and a hoodie. 

9:57 AM: Hum a few bars of Pants on the Ground and stuff Ben back into his infant carrier, carefully covering his pantless legs with the cozy attached to the seat.

9:58 AM: Toss the carrier back into the base in my car and head to the nearest drug testing facility.

10:14 AM: Congratulate myself for managing to arrive early for my 10:45 appointment and try to grab the infant seat out of the car.

10:15 AM: Infant seat doesn't budge.

10:16 AM: Remember that the only stroller I have is the Snap N' Go that must be used with the infant carrier. 

10:17 AM: Remove pantless child from seat and place him tenderly in the front seat of the car.

10:18 AM: Attempt to pry the infant seat from the base using various inanimate objects found in my car including, A Glee CD case, a ballpoint pen and a pair of Dora sunglasses.

10:42 AM: Uninstall the car seat from the car and briefly consider kicking it across the parking lot and/or lighting it on fire.

10:43 AM: Realize that in two more minutes I'll miss my drug testing appointment.

10:44 AM: Briefly consider carrying the naked child into the facility but remember I won't have anywhere to put him EXCEPT THE FLOOR OF THE DIRTY BATHROOM while I'll be peeing into a cup.

10:44 AM: Pop pantless child into the basket of the Snap N' Go Stroller. As you can see from the picture, it looks vaguely like one of those shopping carts that old ladies use to carry their groceries.

10:45 AM: Avoid judgey looks from other people walking into the drug testing facility.

10:46 AM: Push pantless baby into the drug testing office and have this conversation: 

Me: Hi, I have a 10:45 appointment for a drug test. Sorry I'm a little late...

Lovely lady behind the counter: You can't bring your baby up in here.

Me: Seriously?

Lovely lady behind the counter: *Slams the sliding glass window in my face and knocks twice on the glass where there's a picture of a baby with a huge red line through it.*

10:47 AM: Do the walk of shame out of the drug testing facility.

10:48 AM: One of the drug testing patrons gives Ben a disgusted look and I notice a rogue smear of poop on his thigh.

10:48 AM: Die a little inside.

10:50 AM: Get back to the car only to remember that I uninstalled the car seat and can't reinstall it.

10:51 AM: Jerry-rig the car seat in the most unsafe installation job you can imagine and head back to school to pick up the kids.

12:13 PM: Call husband to see if he can be home in time for me to take my damn drug test.

12:14 PM: He can't.

12:15 PM: Nosy neighbor pulls up to see me carrying around a pantless Ben while trying to break up a wrestling match between Jack and Mia.

12:16 PM: She wants to chat. Of course.

12:17 PM: I'm so flustered that I drop a couple of f-bombs.

12:18 PM: Nosy neighbor smiles and I can practically hear her telling everyone on our street about the trashy girl with the three kids who lugs around half naked children and regularly drops f-bombs in casual conversation.

12:19 PM: Die a little inside.

12:59 PM: Beg my friend to take all three of my kids so I can pee in a cup after nap time.

1:00 PM: She agrees.

4:00 PM: Wake Ben up from a dead sleep for the second time in one day so I can get to the drug testing facility before they close.

4:20 PM: Grab a bottle of wine on my way out the door to my friend's house. I figure she'll need it after an hour with five kids.

4:35 PM: Snag the last appointment of the day for my drug test.

4:40 PM: They call my name, I head to the back and have this conversation with THE SAME WOMAN who kicked me out earlier:

Not-so-lovely-lady behind the counter: Put your bag on the chair and pee in this cup. Bathroom's right there. No flushing, no running water.

Me: Um, ok. Thanks.

Not-so-lovely-lady behind the counter: You pregnant? You've got the cutest little baby bump.

Me: Uh, no.

Not-so-lovely-lady behind the counter: I was gonna say, that's a tiny little bump.
Me: Yeah, that's just a muffin top.

4:41 PM: Die a little inside.

4:42 PM: Slam the door to the bathroom and attempt to pee in the cup.

4:43 PM: Can't pee.

4:44 PM: Not-so-lovely-lady-behind the counter screeches, "TIMES UP! What's going on in there?"

4:45 PM: Die a little inside.
4:35 PM: Reply that I don't have enough pee for the test, she tells me that I have to come out of the bathroom immediately. 

4:46 PM: Based on the look on the woman's face I'm lucky she's not frisking me for contraband urine.

4:47 PM: She deems the tiny amount of urine I managed to squeeze out sufficient for drug testing purposes.

4:48 PM: I drive home from the facility wondering if I've eaten anything that might set off a false positive.

5:05 PM: Finally back at my friend's house. She has Skinny Girl margaritas chilling and I can almost forget that this day happened.

Almost.