"I honestly have no idea how to use a ruler."
"I feel like my bangs are like that time when Mom had a mullet and no one had the heart to tell her."
"Um, like two notches past 8?"
-Laura when her husband asked her how long the wallpaper panel measured
"When she wets the bed I feel like it's her way of saying $%*% off."
-Laura on her daughter Lydia wetting the bed every single night
"I promise you, the girl in that car commercial is going places. She's going to be a BIG DEAL. You heard it here first."
-Mike Roecker on a random girl in a car commercial
"Facetime is the devil."
-Laura after fielding hundreds of Facetime calls from Lisa's neglected children
"When we're decrepit, old widows we're going to have the cutest apartment ever."
"No Lisa. Lisa go home."
-Stacey's son Will the moment Lisa walked into the Vaughan house
"Braces are medieval."
-Laura on orthodontia
-Lisa on Midnight in Paris (God, I love me some Woody Allen)
Just so you know, posting this may or may not result in me losing my parents as overnight babysitters on Saturday. Proof that there is nothing I won't risk for a good blog post. Happy Friday!