Wednesday, August 24, 2011

In Which I Steal From the Catholic Church and Secure My Spot in Hell

7:55 AM: Vaguely hear my husband tell Jack and Mia they're allowed to have "weekend" cereal on a Monday. Alarm bells were sounding but I was soooo sleepy.

8:30 AM: Wake-up to a full on WWF style wrestling competition in my family room.

8:31 AM: Curse my husband for feeding the kids sugar and then taking off on a business trip.

8:32 AM: Curse even louder when I remember Jack's Kindergarten open house is in an hour and a half.

9:01 AM: Bribe the children into submission and take a quick shower.

9:10 AM: Briefly flirt with the idea of actually blow drying my hair.

9:11 AM: Make eye contact with Ben who immediately starts screaming his head off and twist the whole mess into a bun.

9:28 AM: Ask Jack to turn off the lights down the basement. He laughs in my face and gets exiled to his room amidst many threats of never ever going to Kindergarten and growing up to be illiterate and alone.

9:40 AM: Begin the trek to the Catholic school where Jack is going to be attending Kindergarten.

9:41 AM: Mia complains that her legs hurt and this is the longest walk ever and she HATES Jack's school. I can still see our house and tell her to zip it.

9:42 AM: Remember that I'm the worst Catholic EVER and start sweating. Profusely.

10:02 AM: Arrive at the school. Wonder if anyone has have written a book about a vampire who goes to Catholic school. So. Many. Crosses.

10:07 AM: Finally find Jack's classroom and meet his teachers. They're lovely.

10:09 AM: Hear Jack's voice screaming at Mia like he was using a microphone.

10:10 AM: Realize Jack somehow located and turned on a microphone.

10:11 AM: Whisper-yell at Jack while simultaneously avoiding judgy looks from the other moms.

10:12 AM: Continue making small talk with Jack's teacher while holding Ben and praying that Jack doesn't ask why there's a guy hanging from a cross.

10:13 AM: Feel something sharp on my arm.

10:14 AM: Realize Ben somehow grabbed scissors off the teacher's desk and is now actively trying to stab me with them.

10:15 AM: Figure it's time to cut our losses and get the hell out of Dodge before we get kicked out of the school altogether.

10:16 AM: Jack mumbles goodbye to his teacher while another little boy walks up to her and says, "Hi I'm Charlie O'Malley and I can read."

10:17 AM: Consider stabbing myself with the scissors and putting an end to my mommy guilt forever.

10:18 AM: Remind myself that Catholics really don't approve of suicide and head on up to buy special pencils from the school supply sale.

10:23 AM: Locate the special Catholic pencils and one of the adorable girls working the sale hands me a little receipt and directs me toward the cashier.

10:24 AM: Realize the cashier doesn't accept credit cards.

10:25 AM: Look into my empty wallet and cry a little. Apparently God doesn't take plastic.

10:26 AM: Consider my options. I could ask a neighbor to borrow money, I could return the supplies and hope they sell Catholic pencils at Target or I could steal the supplies temporarily and smuggle a check in at a later date.  I look from the $5.30 on my receipt to my screaming 11-month-old and finally to Jack punching Mia in the stomach and I realize exactly what Jesus would want me to do.

10:27 AM: Slip right past the cashier and out the front door.

10:28 AM: Do my best to remember the act of contrition. Never get past "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and I'm pretty sure I'm remembering that line from a romance novel not Sunday School.

10:40 AM: Get home, grab popsicles for the kids, write a check for $5.30.

10:43 AM: Walk the check over to my neighbor's house who happens to run the sale and write a quick confession, signing my note "The Catholic School Bandit."

10:44 AM: Pray that my neighbor has a good sense of humor.

10:45 AM: Pray that God has a good sense of humor.

10:46 AM: Remind myself that the God I believe in laughs a lot. Especially when frazzled moms steal school supplies and almost get stabbed at Kindergarten open houses.

10:59 AM: Lose cable, internet and phone in a freak construction accident. Pretty sure it's some kind of divine punishment.

12:35 PM: After 2 hours on the phone with AT&T U-Verse I still don't have cable, but I do have free movie channels for 6 months and $75 off my bill.

12:36 PM: Figure God really wanted me to finally watch Easy A. After all, He always has a bigger plan.


lexcade said...

I love you. And I love your frazzled-mommy posts. I consider this preparation for motherhood. You're doing a good thing ;)

Kelly Bryson said...

That's so funny. I'll pray for your soul. For what that's worth! I hope the scissors were blunt tip;)

Chelsey said...

The beginning of school always brings Those Days, doesn't it?

Liza said...

I'm very curious about these Catholic school pencils. I don't remember them, but then, I switched to public school after first grade...

storyqueen said...

So funny! Love the microphone bit!


Laura S. said...

"The Catholic School Bandit" hahaha! I went to Catholic school from K through 12th grade. I'm sure you're going to get some really funny future blog posts from Jack's kindergarten (mis)adventures!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Oh, hon, I feel your pain. Btw, you do say "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," at the start of Reconciliation, it's just not a part of the Act of Contrition. Oh, and I went to Catholic school my entire education (grade school up to and including college) and I have a vampire short story series. My vamps are evil though, not sure if that makes a difference.

Julianne Douglas said...

Thanks for the laughs! Great post. Sounds like it will be an eventful school year...

Unknown said...

Omg, you always crack me up. I'm envisioning a similar scenario next year when James starts school.

Dara said...

LOL! Sounds like this school year will be lots of fun :)

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I definitely think God has a sense of humor. And compassion, in cases like this - it sounds like a super stressful day. I'm glad you can write a fun post about it, though. :)

Jemi Fraser said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has days like this!!! It's gotta be uphill from here, right???

Julia @ That Hapa Chick said...

Bahahaha this is so funny. Nothing like a laugh to brighten up my day. :)

Christine Fonseca said...

bwahahahahahah!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Marsha Sigman said...

You ARE going to hell.

I went to private church school for a few years back in the day but we didn't have cool Jesus pencils.

Last week in the grocery store my kid took turns announcing he farted in a british accent and anytime a guy passed asked if that was his daddy.

I have no idea why. Ok...I taught him the farted thing but the daddy part was totally random. I think my other son put him up to it.

I felt like a dirty Ho.

Father forgive me for I have sinned...but at least I didn't steal from the church like my friend Lisa...

Joy Preble said...

I sooo needed to read this right now. So. needed!

Am still laughing. Aloud. A bunch.

And yes, God has a sense of humor. And whimsy. IMHO.

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