Monday, August 3, 2009

When Weddings Bite: A Cautionary Tale

Ah weddings. The flowers, the dresses, the toasts, the cake. The waking up in my hotel room, damp, in a t-shirt, in the fetal position, with no recollection as to how I stumbled home, without my husband or why my bathroom looks like something out of a horror movie.

Let me explain...

John and I had a wedding in Chicago this weekend. Weeks of planning went into this night. Looking super cute was crucial because friends I hadn't seen in years were going to be in attendance. Judging. Anyways, as you know, I'm a mom and I don't get out much. Oh, and I barely drink. Like maybe a beer or two, some wine, anything more than that and I've been known to fall asleep on other people's couches, at bars and once even at a concert venue. I'm a real party animal.

Well, since John was a groomsman, I was kind of on my own. Luckily, Lisa's brother in-laws and future sister-in-law kept me company between the ceremony. My choice to order a Three Olives Cherry and Diet Coke, was my first mistake. It went down smooth, too smooth.

At the cocktail hour I was feeling pretty good. When the reception started, I was feeling really good. I danced, and drank and drank and drank. This is when the night starts to get a little dicey. Shots were offered and I distinctly remember saying, "My body rejects shots." And yet I kept taking them.

And taking them. And taking them.

Eventually I ended up feeling like I was walking around with my eyes closed. I literally could not see. I'm sure I looked really hot.

Someone must have thought it was a good idea to get "that girl" as far away from the reception as possible because the next thing I knew, I was sitting in the back seat of a cab with Lisa's mother-in-law. Oh yes, I was sharing a cab with the in-laws. My husband was apparently having too much fun to escort his wife home and I was in no state of mind to argue.

Lisa's mother-in-law is the sweetest woman you'll ever meet, but she's a talker. She talked quietly through the ceremony, pointing out various family members on the groom's side, she talked throughout the reception and she talked the entire ride home. I, on the other hand, was grinding my teeth, knowing that if I dared to open my mouth, it wouldn't be words pouring out, but rather...um...other stuff. I feel terrible because I literally did not answer ONE of mom-in-law's questions. I sat, grinding away, taking a few deep breaths and focusing on not hurling all over her.

Fast forward a few hours. I woke up in our hotel room, my hair was wet and crazy-looking, mascara smeared beneath my eyes. I was wearing a t-shirt and not a whole lot else. I probably looked like Taylor Momsen when she woke up the morning after her Sweet 16 party.

It was a little bit like a horror movie. The light in the bathroom was on, but the door was closed. I knew something terrible was behind that door, and I had to see it. So like one of those dumb ass slasher movie chics, I pulled myself up out of the bed with great effort and opened the door. I'll never publicly admit to what waited for me behind that door. It was one of the most horrifying sights I've ever seen. Let's just say I had ended the night with approximately 10 cranberry-vodkas and leave it at that.

So for all of our YA readers (of which I'm 99% sure we have none at this point in time) let this be a lesson to you.

Just. Say. No.

23 comments:

PurpleClover said...

LMAO! We've all been there honey! Don't worry. I love that your sister's mother in law had to escort you though. That is probably the best part.

Just think of it this way. Next time it will be "that other girl" and not you. Lesson learned and you're still alive and probably feeling a lot better today. :)

confused homemaker said...

Ouch, that's a fun night turned bad night when you are afraid to open the door. It's one those things you go "Why did I think that was a good idea & Why didn't anyone stop me" LOL.

ElanaJ said...

Yikes! I'm glad you're, um, okay now? LOL.

jessjordan said...

Oh. No...

The last time I started the night with Three Olives cherry and diet coke + Three Olives grape and sprite (sis's b-day extravaganza), I ended up at a bar taking shots that some nice hispanic guys bought for me and another girl (I think they were hitting on us, but I was too far gone to notice), letting the one guy, Gabriel, know-at least 50 times, maybe more-that I was writing a book where my lead guy's name was Gabriel, and wasn't that just so ironic/funny/awesome? And did I mention I was writing a book where my lead guy's name was Gabriel?

I also broke a little lampy thing (or so I'm told), and I'm pretty sure I passed out in the bathroom with my head between my knees, because the waitress came to check on me. Yeah, the waitress. My sister lived 2 blocks away, but I still found enough time to fall asleep in the backseat of the car (which I don't remember getting in). They had to shake me and honk the car horn a half-dozen times to wake me up. I stumbled inside, collapsed on the couch, woke up the next morning so drunk I could barely walk, and had my first I'm-tossing-in-the-ocean-sea-sick type of feeling allllll day long.

Flavored vodka = just don't. Don't ever.

jessjordan said...

p.s. here's to hoping it was you or your husband finding your way out of your clothes and into your sleepy shirt. :)

Loretta said...

Oh, no! Sensory memories (I know exactly what that feels like)! My head aches for you. (But I'm also laughing so hard my eyes are watering!)

Jeannie Lin said...

A cautionary tale indeed! Weddings and open bars, recipe for mayhem. Hope you've recovered.

They say Gatorade and eggs helps. But I think all hangover cures are just wive's tales.

Icy Roses said...

Bahahaha. What a great way to start my day (reading your story, I mean, not taking 10 cranberry vodkas).

JennyMac said...

Oh, I love it. 10? I would be hospitalized. Mommy doesnt have the moxie anymore to hang with you ladies. :) And a long talker is enough to make me drink 20 cocktails.

Hope you are no longer feeling like a bag of hammers.

Weronika said...

*raises hand* YA reader right here!

And I hear you. :)

Rebecca Knight said...

Three Olives vodka + shots = slasher film moment.

Lesson learned! :P Thank you for the cautionary tale! LOL.

Christina Lee said...

oh, crapola- have you recovered yet? The older we get the longer the recovery time- that's what I've learned in this past decade! I am going to bet you're still walking around very.... slowly!

Lisa and Laura said...

No, I have not recovered. Day two of the hangover from hell. I had to put my daughter in her crib this morning with a bunch of books so I could go back to sleep. Mommy of the year.

Sarah said...

Oh dear! How are you feeling this morning?
Note to self: Do not consume 10 cranberry vodkas in a single night. Got it.

Katie said...

Oh my goodness gracious child! What on earth were you thinking?! We're too old for this nonsense.

*sigh... I mean I am too old for this nonsense. waaahhh

At least you got a hilarious blog post out of it! How sad that when something horrific happens to me, my first thought is "Can I take a photo for the blog?"

Suzanne said...

OH my! I have so much more respect for you now.

Danyelle said...

Isn't family a wonderful thing? You gals brighten my day every time I stop by. Thank you!

Little Ms J said...

Why am I always the last person to comment! DAMMIT. I'm stamping my feet, just so you know. Ok, so not really. I'm lounged out on the couch with a blanket over my legs thinking about stomping my feet. All the way to the fridge for a nice glass of Pinot.

Oh sorry. Talk of wine.. too soon?

We have all been there. Just cross your fingers there aren't any pictures. I have a really bad habit of announcing inappropriate things when I'm drunk. Make some phone calls and see if you have any blog material. You could make a list of things not to say. I'll start you off with an oldie but a goodie from my bag 'o tricks.

1. I am so horny right now.

Your turn.

christine said...

OOhhhh....so sorry!

Lisa and Laura said...

Worst case scenario the wedding photographer was near the bar snapping incriminating photos of me unable to keep my eyes open and I make it into the wedding album. Thankfully (or unthankfully) I did not have the capacity to form words on this particular night; however, I've been known to send a few indiscernible texts including the one my husband received at 12:09, I repeat 12:09--all of this went down before the band was even finished playing--"I need t ou alone." I'm pretty sure I sent this after destroying the bathroom. I must have been worried that my husband would come home to discover the evidence I left behind. It's hard to say though. But really, who was I kidding? My husband coming home at 12:09? Not a chance.

Corey Schwartz said...

Have you seen The Hangover? At least there was no tiger in your bathroom!

Kelly H-Y said...

Oh my goodness!!! I'm glad you're OK!!!!

Solvang Sherrie said...

Oh, man, I feel for you! I had a beer for my birthday last week and couldn't even finish it because I was buzzed already and the children were starting to laugh! I couldn't very well get drunk in front of my kids...good thing they were along =)