Friday, August 7, 2009

Happy Hour at The Annual LiLa Writer's Conference - D-Bag-O-Meter: Ed Swiderski

So, now that everyone is nice and loose after our networking session, things are really starting to get interesting at the First Annual LiLa Writer's Conference. 

I think I spy Jo and Loretta dancing on a table near the bar. Come Together started playing and they just couldn't resist. Little Ms. J. is teaching P-Clo some of her patented pole dancing moves. Kelly is looking everywhere for the crown she borrowed from her daughter and Suzanne is laughing because she totally hid it from her. Rebecca and Christina are gossiping about how much cooler our conference is compared to that other conference.  Abby and Corey are working on opening another bottle of Prosecco, and I swear I just saw Elana, Tess and Sarah make off with our Twizzlers. 

Turns out our conference really doesn't involve much writing. Go figure.

In an effort to call everyone to order without seeming like a total wet blanket, Laura takes the stage in her tiara and Homecoming Queen sash to announce the latest D-Bag-O-Meter reading.

Dear Ed,

I have a confession to make. I only watched one episode of the Bachelorette. I know, I know, you must be wondering how on earth I am in a position to judge. Well, let me share a little secret. Thanks to Us Weekly's handy dandy slideshow entitled, Jillian and Ed's Most Romantic Bachelorette Moments, it feels exactly as though I tuned in to the entire season, without wasting hours upon hours of my precious time. Phew, I feel better getting that off my chest.

Anyways, when I plugged your name into our prized invention, the D-Bag-O-Meter (patent pending), the arrow went a bit crazy, hovering closely around Spencer level (Total D-Bag) and finally settling a few marks away, labeling you a Serious D-Bag.

I've heard all about you Ed (and apparently so has the D-Bag-O-Meter). You go and offer Jillian (who, according to Joel McHale, has a great personality) a shiny engagement ring and then you cheat like the liar you are. It's bad enough that you left her, mid-season, because of your so-called job (I wonder, was this "job" you talk about being a lying cheat?), but then you go and send flirtatious text messages to some blonde chic, sleep with her and she spills the beans to Us or some other tabloid to make a buck (way to pick 'em).

Congratulations, Ed. Everyone's disappointed in you. But I will say, even after watching one lone episode of the Bachelorette, I never liked you and could see right through you. Kiptyn had my heart from day one (er, from the only day I watched).

Better luck next time Serious D-Bag.



Joanna said...

Cheaters are ALWAYS D-Bags--plus, he barely has a neck in the photo, UGH!

Joanna said...

PS - Make sure I don't have too much to drink. If "Sexy Sadie" comes on, I may end up topless on the bar...

Rebecca Knight said...


I watched the whole season because I'm hopelessly addicted to the Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise, and was really rooting for those two crazy kids. I know, I know, it never works out... but seriously? Ed?!


By the way, this conference rules!)

Loretta Nyhan said...

This party rocks!

And if it gets wild enough where people are dancing on tabletops, I get to play 7-minutes in the closet with George Clooney; the rest of you guys get D-Bag Ed!

Tess said...

I knew you guys could throw a good

And, my mom is heartbroken over Ed's cheating ways. There's something very creepy about that. (My mom's sincere heartbreak over a reality show, not Ed - he is a d-bag and we should not be surprised at his slimy ways)

Icy Roses said...

Why am I not surprised? Poor Jillian.

Your conference owns.

confused homemaker said...

I just laugh every time I see the d-bag-o-meter. Spencer is such a d-bag.

Little Ms J said...

I love this conference.

Is it me or does anyone else's skin crawl when another normal human being with NO SKILLS becomes famous? This is what I want - I am staging an intervention (filmed by AE, of course). Joel McHale can host, I will be the therapist and the patients?

Kate 2.0, John - 9, The Real Kate 1.0, Jesse Mesnick, Ed and Jillian, Perez HIlton, the entire cast of The Hills and Danny Bonaduce. It will go a little something like this:

To Jesse - "Jesse, have you always been such a whiny little girl? Sew up your tear ducts, cry baby, your son is going to grow a vagina if you don't stop it right now."

Kate 2.0 - "Congratulations, it's a litter. Close your legs and finish your education. Ed Hardy doesn't want you."

Jon - 9 - "You're a mess. Take your diamond earrings out of your lobes and go into hiding. You don't play ball, you simply procreate. Buy a nice pullover and get a hold of yourself."

Jillian - "I'm embarrassed for you. Didn't you tell your producer to stalk your man? Every girl knows that."

Ed - "What Laura said."

Perez Hilton, Danny Bonaduce and The Hills - "Train wreck. That is all I'm saying. I don't think I can help you here. Let's start with shock therapy and some detox."

And cut.

Lisa and Laura said...

You guys are killing me with these comments. First Jo threatens to take her shirt off, Loretta takes off with George Clooney and then LMJ stages an intervention that's funnier than our post.

I officially declare this the best writer's conference EVER. Not that I'm biased or anything.

PurpleClover said...

You guys are freakin' hilarious! We're do you find the time to write such witty blogs when you have books to be published???!


Corey Schwartz said...

This conferecne definitely rocks, btu I dont' type thatwell after so many drinks :)

storyqueen said...

Hey, would you please tell who ever bit off the ends of ALL the twizzlers that it was a pretty icky thing to do......and I had to suck my prosecco through a pixie stick which got all soggy.

(I bet the other conference doesn't have a D-Bag-O-Meter!)


Lisa and Laura said...

P-Clo - What is this writing books thing of which you speak?

Corey - We're going to have to work on your tolerance levels.

Shelley - You didn't hear it from me, but I'm pretty sure it was Corey who attacked all of the Twizzlers. Have you seen how wasted she is? And for The D-Bag-O-Meter is our calling card. You're totally guaranteed to see at least one if you show up for our conferences. Suck on THAT SCBWI.

ElanaJ said...

What is with that shirt? That's all I want to know.

And everybody knows there isn't actual writing happening at a writing conference. Pshaw. ;-)

Solvang Sherrie said...

Love your party! I think I'll have to come to this conference next year =) I'll bring my Twizzler Tiara...

Christina Lee said...

oops I'm getting a little tipsy!:)
You guys are a HOOT!
I watched the whole season and I am seriously hoping it's not true!!

Jen said...

I didn't watch this season of The Bachelorette either and it sounds like a good thing that I didn't waste my time on it. I think they should rent your DB-Meter when screening potential contestants for this show from here on out.

Ryan said...

I don't really watch reality TV shows, but from some of the ones I have seen most of the guys in them are douches. That's just my opinion though. Great conference and thanks for checking out my blog.

JennyMac said...

HAHA..I never watch this show and never will. However, I do love that you dont have to watch it to know Ed is a dbag and that as big of a dbag as he truly is, he is STILL not as big a dbag as Spencer. LOVE IT.

Abby said...

The only things I know about The Bachelorette (and most other reality TV shows), I know because of Joel McHale. I love him! ;D

BTW, this conference ROCKS! Way better than that other conference! I'm learning so many useful things. :)

Sarah said...

I don't know how I missed this post but I think you're right on the money with Ed. Did you see his infamous green mankini? *shudders* How that didn't tip Jillian off is beyond me!
Anyway, this conference rules, but we're running a bit low on Twizzlers. And I, er, brought the pack behind my back. Nobody said anything about sharing.

Kelly Moran said...

great blog. i'm following you now. check out/follow mine. i have all things books...
nice seeing you.

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