(Is it cool if we call you Gwynnie? No? Oh well.)
We're writing to apologize. We've said some pretty awful things about you in the past and we were so SO wrong. After reading snippets of your most recent interview (thanks to Sarah and Emily) and seeing this quote: "People are so mean to me....But then I was like, 'Who cares what some lame person out there says?'"
WE are those lame people, Gwynnie..er...Gwyneth. And I know you don't care what we say, but here's our official apology:
Remember that time we made fun of you for struggling to GAIN weight. You said, "Yeah, I tried to gain more, but I think I was also working so hard and such long hours that, you know, it was offset -- my Bridget Jones attempt." And we said that we hated you on behalf of all women in America? Yeah, we totally take that back. I mean, eating Twizzlers and not exercising is HARD WORK. It takes real dedication to maintain bootyliciousness.
We totally take back our scathing response to your helpful tips on balancing motherhood and a career. The other day I tried on like three different shirts in Target and it was EXHAUSTING. I seriously can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to spend so many grueling hours with a personal stylist slipping gorgeous frock after gorgeous frock on your svelte body. We now fully understand the depth of your pain, Gwynnie-eth.
You made us snort when you told us we should attempt to live off of juice for five days . But we were so wrong. Chewing is totally overrated. Who needs solids when you have an array of delicious organic juices to slay your appetite? In fact, we're totally going to try your juice fast ASAP. Just out of curiosity are you liable if we should happen to go batshit crazy due to lack of sustenance and tear through the grocery store on a mad spree of destruction that may or may not end with us ripping open containers of (non-organic, gasp!) raw meat with our teeth? No? Crap.
And that $52 fly swatter that you recommended on your holiday gift guide this year? At first we thought it was a little ridiculous. I mean, does anyone really need an embossed leather fly swatter? Do people even USE fly swatters, like ever? What's wrong with a good old fashioned newspaper? But then we thought back to that time when Lisa had flies in her basement and she was so freaked out at the thought of them breeding maggots or something horrible that she hired a professional cleaning company to clean everything out and we realized that the entire experience would have been so much less traumatic if only she had a monogrammed fly swatter on her hands. Once again, YOU WERE SO RIGHT.
Ah, Gwynnie (What? Still not ok? Sorry...) we are so sorry to have misjudged you. All your tips and tricks were meant to teach us how to be cool, you know, like British people. So thank you, Gwyneth. Thank you for being so down to earth and for showing us the error of our ways. The next time we need a recommendation for a five star hotel in London or help finding the perfect khaki hooded poncho, we will turn to you, dear G.
Your soul sisters and besties 4 eva,