Wednesday, February 2, 2011

WTF Wednesday: An open letter of apology to Gwyneth Paltrow

Hi Gwynnie,

(Is it cool if we call you Gwynnie? No? Oh well.)

We're writing to apologize. We've said some pretty awful things about you in the past and we were so SO wrong. After reading snippets of your most recent interview (thanks to Sarah and Emily) and seeing this quote: "People are so mean to me....But then I was like, 'Who cares what some lame person out there says?'"

WE are those lame people, Gwynnie..er...Gwyneth. And I know you don't care what we say, but here's our official apology:

Remember that time we made fun of you for struggling to GAIN weight. You said, "Yeah, I tried to gain more, but I think I was also working so hard and such long hours that, you know, it was offset -- my Bridget Jones attempt." And we said that we hated you on behalf of all women in America? Yeah, we totally take that back. I mean, eating Twizzlers and not exercising is HARD WORK. It takes real dedication to maintain bootyliciousness.

We totally take back our scathing response to your  helpful tips on balancing motherhood and a career. The other day I tried on like three different shirts in Target and it was EXHAUSTING. I seriously can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to spend so many grueling hours with a personal stylist slipping gorgeous frock after gorgeous frock on your svelte body. We now fully understand the depth of your pain, Gwynnie-eth.

You made us snort when you told us we should attempt to live off of juice for five days . But we were so wrong. Chewing is totally overrated. Who needs solids when you have an array of delicious organic juices to slay your appetite? In fact, we're totally going to try your juice fast ASAP. Just out of curiosity are you liable if we should happen to go batshit crazy due to lack of sustenance and tear through the grocery store on a mad spree of destruction that may or may not end with us ripping open containers of (non-organic, gasp!) raw meat with our teeth? No? Crap.

And that $52 fly swatter that you recommended on your holiday gift guide this year? At first we thought it was a little ridiculous. I mean, does anyone really need an embossed leather fly swatter? Do people even USE fly swatters, like ever? What's wrong with a good old fashioned newspaper? But then we thought back to that time when Lisa had flies in her basement and she was so freaked out at the thought of them breeding maggots or something horrible that she hired a professional cleaning company to clean everything out and we realized that the entire experience would have been so much less traumatic if only she had a monogrammed fly swatter on her hands. Once again, YOU WERE SO RIGHT.

Ah, Gwynnie (What? Still not ok? Sorry...) we are so sorry to have misjudged you. All your tips and tricks were meant to teach us how to be cool, you know, like British people. So thank you, Gwyneth. Thank you for being so down to earth and for showing us the error of our ways. The next time we need a recommendation for a five star hotel in London or help finding the perfect khaki hooded poncho, we will turn to you, dear G.

Your soul sisters and besties 4 eva,
L&L

34 comments:

Matthew Rush said...

I want a khaki hoodie that ISN'T a poncho. Do you know where I can get that? Does Gwynnie?

Also, here is an official challenge: I want to see if you guys can write an entire post (150 word min) in which every single word is part of at least one hyperlink, all of which are actually relevant to the text displayed. If anyone can do it LiLa can.

Anne Gallagher said...

My flyswatter cost 50 cents and it kills all bugs, not just flies. And it's bright pink, thought I'd go for a fashion statement there.

And I have you two to thank for bashing dear Gwynnie. I am now using that name as one of my characters in a book -- the crusty, cantankerous nanny to my heroine.

Jess said...

You ladies are hilarious! I especially like how you apologized, put her up on her high horse again, told her how pretty she looked up there, then shoved her back into the dirt that the rest of us stand on (aka, reality...because you live in Reality, Gwynnie, not Britain...that goes for you too, Madonna). Too funny, ladies :)

Hardygirl said...

My mother used to spank me with--not a switch--but our plastic flyswatter. All I could ever think about were the tiny fly guts that were being smeared and smushed all over my bootie (and probably flying around in the air and finding their way into my mouth. Gross).

Do you think that's why Gwynnie needs a fancy one? I mean it would have made my mom feel much more stylish ...

sf

Katie Mills said...

a 50$ fly swatter? wtf? is right! Yikes.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

How about Diet Dr Pepper? I'd be happy to live off that. At least until my body has a complete meltdown. ;)

Lisa and Laura said...

Challenge accepted, Matthew Rush. Challenge accepted.

Also, I had a dream last night that Gwyneth read this post and commented. She scares me a little.

Tracey Neithercott said...

Why WOULDN'T you buy a $52 fly swatter? When I plan to plaster an item with bug guts, I ALWAYS make sure it's leather. And having my initials on it ensures each and every fly knows just who's smashing them.

emily j. griffin said...

What I truly don't get is what I like to call "The Chris Martin Factor." In what weird, effed up, parellel Goop universe did those two end up together? I bet that $50 fly swatter isn't free-trade kosher, Chris. I'm just saying.

Sarah Enni said...

LOL. FOR. DAYS.

And if Gwynnie comes after you ladies, I will totally be there as backup. But only if I can MANAGE to gain enough weight to actually throw a punch. I don't know. IT'S HARD.

<3

Lindsey C said...

HA HA HA! Y'all are too funny.

BTW, I want a fly swatter that will smash the bug guts into the shape of a heart. Do you think G knows where to get one of those? Cuz that would be sweet... er, sticky.

Dara said...

HA! This is wonderful. :)

Oh and normally I just use the bottom of a shoe to smash bugs. I don't spend $52 on a pair of freakin shoes let alone am I going to pay that for a fly swatter.

Ah, those Hollywood types are always good for a little laugh.

Dara said...

Also I think I may have threw up in my mouth a little reading that post on the organic juice purge. FOUL.

I'll keep my 3 Musketeers and chocolate milkshakes :)

Natalie said...

Um, yes. When Gwynnie's daily list includes, "scrub toilets" or "rinse out poopy underwear" I will look to her for mothering guidance.

Little Ms J said...

Uh. Ok, so I'm just going to say it and may officially just have put myself up for adoption, but I actually appreciated the Day In The Life piece. I feel she's getting a lot of heat because she's simply unrelatable to most people. I work with the kind of women she interviewed. They are my clients and I'm impressed by their entrepreneurialism and dedication. It is very hard to juggle a high powered career, board work (people were saying they didn't think being a venture capitalist was much work - um, maybe she has assistants, but I will tell you boards take up a TON of your time and is done because you're passionate about something and have the ability, whether financial or because of your connections, to make a difference) and family.

The rest? Honestly, I don't read Goop, but in this one instance I think she meant well, but didn't think about her audience.

I know. I'm waiting for the case worker to pick me up. Tell Auntie Em she won.

Lisa Potts said...

LOL. Holy shit! I'm crying over here.

That NY mag article is priceless. Perhaps if the old man that walked up to her had been sporting a British accent, he could have gotten close enough to shove some real (aka-not juice) food in her mouth and made the world a better place for everyone.

Lisa and Laura said...

LMJ,

I actually agree with you. Gwynnie doesn't do any of this with malicious intent. I think GOOP is probably a pretty accurate representation of how she lives her life and she believes that it's helpful to the average woman. The problem is that the average woman leads a DRAMATICALLY different life than the life she leads so she ends up looking spoiled and out of touch rather than cool and accessible (which I'm guessing is what she's going for).

And I'm guessing she also leaves out a lot of important details, like how many nannies she uses or the personal chefs that are probably preparing most of their meals or what it's like when she leaves her kids for months at a time when she's filming a movie. I have no idea what her real life is like, but I think GOOP showcases all the glam stuff and tends to leave out the details.

I read GOOP because it's fascinating and kind of hilarious to compare the way we live our lives. We are so anti-glam it's not even funny. And if anything we like to showcase our failures rather than our successes. It's far more entertaining.

Elana Johnson said...

It takes real work to maintain bootiliciousness!

I can't stop laughing. That is so going to be my motto from now on.

Kristi Helvig said...

This is the best apology letter I've read in my life. You two should have your own 'Goopless' site for the average working mother--everyone would relate to it, and die laughing while they related.

emily j. griffin said...

LMJ,

I vote for shared, half sister-ship. You can be the kind, look-at-all-sides-of-the-argument one and I'll be the bitter-for-no-reason one. Deal?

In all honesty, I'm a Gwynnie fan. I happen to think she is a fantastic actress. Her episode of Glee was my fave this season. And I find her detached disillusion to be charming (and cause for a good chuckle every now and then). I do think her intent is genuine as well. I would love to some more down and dirty commisserating, rather than the glam front on Goop though.

Ps: I can totally Auntie Em it up for Little Baby J too ; )

Gail said...

Just. too. funny. Gwyneth lives in the Emerald City while the rest of us live in average towns like Atlanta or Cleveland.

As for flyswatters....I personally like the diversity of grabbing a variety of magazines or newspapers. But then, I don't allow flies in my house, so it's not really a big issue. LOL

Stephanie said...

Too funny! Isn't it our jobs as normal people to make fun of the ridiculousness of pampered celebrities???

Stasia said...

Should be working on my copyedits right now but this post totally validates my procrastination. I'm in a MUCH better mood now. Heeheehee!

ali said...

I'm so, so, so jealous that you and Gwynnie, are, like BFF's x2. If she didn't know it before, surely now she sees just what gems she has in you guys. Like, you're the only ones in the whole, wide world, who totally have her back.

C. K. Bryant said...

OMGosh, you guys are funny. I actually snorted. Can't stop laughing. Wonder if Gwynnie will wander onto your blog and comment. ROFL!! Can you imagine?

Marsha Sigman said...

This is the best apology letter EVER.

I understand being a little scared of her though because...I feel the same way.

But we must stand up! For mother's everywhere who believe in McDonald's Happy Meals and Dora (or cousin Diego-You scamp, you).

I don't think Gwynnie realizes she is so beyond normal that it's ridiculous...and that's before I read about that weight thing. Kill me now.

I put a link to this in my blog post about POOG. People Openly Opposing Gwyneth (or Goop). T-shirts will be forthcoming.

Nicole Zoltack said...

Can't wait to see the challenge post~ And 50 for a flyswatter? Ya gotta be kidding me!

Jemi Fraser said...

LOL - thanks for the smiles :)

Little Ms J said...

Auntie Em - Deal. I like the way we're already showing how sisters can disagree and still love each other and stuff. I think this bodes well for our future as it seems the Roecker fourth sistership is always for sale.

Those bitches, Lisa and Laura.

Good news is I think I'm in with Stacey now, so I feel like we might stick around for a while.

madhu said...

Writing letter is really enjoyable thing!

I'm pretty sure a lot of people out there will find this blog of yours very helpful.

Letters

Karen Akins said...

Bwah ha ha!

Anonymous said...

Whence to me the nobility?

Nikki (Wicked Awesome Books) said...

I've never read GOOP (good thing?) but I thoroughly enjoy seeing your random posts about good ol' Gwynnie. I find them more than a little entertaining, so enjoy those Twizzlers, stay bootylicious and I advise you to continue to eat solids.

I'm sure if Gwynnie lived the life like us mortals, she'd be doing the same :D

Carrie said...

You gotta love her though...she's really coming to the rescue of those poor souls who just can't manage to google 'five star hotel London' by themselves! What would they do without her? It's life or death stuff.