Wednesday, June 8, 2011

WTF Wednesday: In Which the Universe KICKS MY A$$

5:30:00 AM: Mumble something that sounds like "Love you" as the husband leaves for work.
5:30:01 AM: Slap on my sleep mask and fall back into a blissfull sleep.
7:11:00 AM: Vaguely hear the kids fighting over who can pee the fastest.
7:11:01 AM: Fall back into a blissful sleep.
7:22:00 AM: Ben is awake.
7:25:03 AM: Confirm that Ben has a fever of 102 degrees.
Universe: 1 Lisa: 0
7:26:27 AM: Feel Ben's top gums and feel two huge lumps where there will eventually be teeth.
Universe: 2 Lisa: 0
7:28:01 AM: Feed Ben and notice there are huge monsoon like clouds looming on the horizon.
7:31:05 AM: Begin somewhat crazed process of getting the kids out of the house before the rain-pocolypse hits.
7:59:01 AM: Pat myself on the back for loading everyone into the car successfully before a drop of rain hits the ground. It's a tie game, bitches.
Universe: 2 Lisa: 2
8:10:02 AM: On the drive to school realize that Jack is wearing a bathing suit, no underwear, no change of clothes and Mia and I are in sundresses and the temperature just dropped from 91 degrees to 64 degrees.
Universe: 3 Lisa: 2
8:20:03 AM: The rain starts pounding our car so hard that I'm 99% sure I saw the Four Horseman of the Apocolypse galloping next to my mom-mobile.
Universe: 4 Lisa: 2
8:35:01 AM: Successfully make it to Jack's school in time to drop him in the car pool line and avoid getting all the kids out of the car in the rain. Take that Universe!
Universe: 4 Lisa: 3
9:23:31 AM: Narrowly avoid hydroplaning on the freeway next to a huge semi. Worst driving conditions ever, but we're all alive and the Universe is my bitch.
Universe: 4 Lisa: 4
9:33:01 AM: Pull into Laura's neighborhood with my fingers crossed that she's left the garage open so I can pull in and avoid getting the kids soaked in the storm of the century.
Universe: 4 Lisa: 5
9:33:15 AM: Begin to manuever the car into the garage and have an instant flashback to my driving test 16 years ago in which I immediately plowed into all 4 orange cones and failed the manueverability section of the test. In one of the most shocking (and potentially destructive) moves in all of history, the instructor passed me anyway. Frank Mangini (Yes, I still remember his name) should be held personally responsible for every single fenderbender I've been involved in since that time. Including, but not limited to: the time I backed into my Grandfather's car on Christmas; the time I backed into my husband's car and just kept driving; and the time I backed into that lady in the minivan in the parking lot.
9:33:16 AM: We all know where this is going, right? Slam into the side of Laura's garage.
Universe: 101 Lisa: -30
9:33:18 AM: Swear a blue streak and then attempt to back out of the garage without hitting Laura's car. Hear a chunk of my car fall off.
Universe: 299 Lisa: -31
9:33:19 AM: Mia asks, "Mommy why did you say, 'Oh $hit'?"
Universe: 300 Lisa: -32
9:33:21 AM: Get out of the car in the pouring rain to assess the damage. It's not good. Part of my door is hanging off the car and there's an unidentified black chunk of my car in the driveway.
9:33:48 AM: Rest my head on the steering wheel and cry a little.
9:34:00 AM: Get the kids out of the car in the pouring rain and take them into the house. By the time we get inside we all look like we've taken a shower with our clothes on.
Universe: 301 Lisa: -33
9:35:00 AM: Test Laura's garage door to make sure I didn't do any permanent damage. It works.
Universe: 301 Lisa: -32
10:05:01 AM: Rain stops, sun is shining and Laura and I head out to my car to assess the damage.
10:10:02 AM: After a detailed analysis of the damage we feel confident the car can be fixed with a hammer and some super glue.
10:15:56 AM: It works!
10:15:57 AM: Kind of.
10:15:59 AM: We can't really figure out what to do with the mystery chunk of car that fell off and into the driveway.
10:16:15 AM: Agree that this part should be hidden in the trunk until further notice.
10:17:00 AM: Step back into Laura's slightly damaged garage and assess our handiwork.
10:17:30 AM: Congratulate each other and and head inside for some tea.
Universe: 301 Lisa: -31
10:18:00 AM: Briefly discuss opening up our own body shop for women who damage their cars and need to fix them quickly so their husbands don't critisize their abysmal manueverability skills.
10:18:08 AM: Remember we have to finish THE LIES THAT BIND by October 1st.
10:18:45 AM: Realize that we can use this for our blog post tomorrow.

FINAL SCORE: Universe: 301 Lisa: 1 (blog post material is worth a lot, people.)

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15 comments:

Laura Pauling said...

I've backed into my dad's car and a friend's car in my driveway. I don't consider it my fault b/c they were parked in my trajectory back out lane which is usually free. Somethings aren't the driver's fault.

Matthew MacNish said...

Why do you get two points for beating the rain? That's really only one victory.

Matthew MacNish said...

Only 32 points for the great post? It's worth a bit more than that.

Creepy Query Girl said...

so great to have a sense of humor about this kind of stuff! I wish the 'woman' driver stereotype wasn't true but if I'm honest with myself, I'm NOT a good driver. Never have been and probably never will be.

storyqueen said...

I think this should be a regular feature.

I am guessing the universe will demand a rematch...

Teril said...

Yepper Skeppers that would be a week day. Congrats on your survival and Universe give our authors a break! And our moms!

Krispy said...

I hit the bush next to my driveway every once in a while. It's things like this that make me fear the idea of getting a new car.

Hope the universe is being kinder to you today!

Keri Mikulski said...

Too funny. Sounds familiar... :)

Marsha Sigman said...

hahhahahah.

The Universe IS your bitch!

But I'm still sort of glad we aren't driving anywhere near each other.

Nicole Zoltack said...

Yeah, you definitely should have given yourself more points for the blog post.

And I can feel Anthony's teeth in his gums now. He should be getting his sometime soon. So not looking forward to it. He's gonna be just like his brother and get a ton all at once, I just know it. Speaking of which, I think we're out of baby orajel...

Tere Kirkland said...

Heh, I'm a horrible driver. But I think the points the Universe gets should count less than yours. I mean, it's the UNIVERSE, right, and you're just Lisa R. So when you beat the Universe, think of it as beating an omniscient akashic being of sorts that obviously has an agenda and can't wait to screw things up for us lowly mortals.

Lisa FTW!

Stacey Vaughan said...

Seriously the funniest thing ever! Good thing Ken doesn't regularly check the blog.

Cambria Dillon said...

OMG this is hilarious. (So says the girl who has part of her tailgate in her backseat.)

Kare said...

I hate those days :( hope it gets better!!

Brigid Kemmerer said...

OMG, so I know most of the point of your post was the car damage, but it was this line that STILL has me giggling:

8:10:02 AM: On the drive to school realize that Jack is wearing a bathing suit, no underwear, no change of clothes and Mia and I are in sundresses and the temperature just dropped from 91 degrees to 64 degrees.

It must be because I'm a mommy, too. :-D

Hahaha, still laughing.

Don't call this a comeback

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