Friday, May 22, 2009

You Learn Something New Every Week (vol. 2)

Wow, lots of life lessons learned this week...

1. People found our blog this week by googling "opera tights" and "cameltoe overalls 2009." Nice.

2. This exchange between George Costanza and Newman perfectly sums up my feelings about laundry. Just replace "mail" with "laundry" and "Publishers Clearing House Day" with "time to potty train a two-year-old." Behold:

George Costanza: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.

3. You can get a really good bottle of white wine from Target for $10.99. Seriously.

4. Center Stage isn't nearly as entertaining as I remembered it being in college. Is it possible that being hung over made the movie better somehow?

5. It's almost never a good idea to send yourself e-mails. Laura and I often send e-mails back and forth to each other via our joint account, and tonight I sent her an e-mail, and then got really excited when I saw we had a new message in our inbox. When I realized that I had sent the e-mail myself I felt like one of those birds that runs into a freshly cleaned window. Ouch.

6. I hate publishing conferences. BEA most likely means that we'll get no news next week (boo!) and I'm so jealous of all of our writer friends who are meeting up at conferences this summer. We want to play too! Oh well...maybe next year?

7. My e-mail response time is down to like 30 seconds. It's more like instant messaging than e-mailing at this point. Wait do you smell that? Yeah, that's the stench of desperation.

8. My life feels very empty now that all of the season finales are over. Note to the gods of network television: I'm now unemployed. I really need some quality television. Work it out.

9. Confession of the week: Laura and I have never watched Veronica Mars. Rumor has it that we'd really, really like it. We're thinking of doing weekly viewings during nap time at the weekly play date.

10. It's never a good idea to delay beauty treatments. I'm a hot mess right now, and no, I'm not referring to my mental state. We have a wedding this weekend and I've conveniently scheduled any and all beauty appointments for this Saturday. This seemed like a really good idea a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, the current reality is that I have eyebrows like Peter Gallagher, 3-inch roots, and a DIY pedicure that's at least a month old. This is seriously not good for the self-esteem. TGIF has a whole new meaning for me this week.

Have a fabulous holiday weekend everyone!


Little Ms J said...

Some things I learned this week:

You have to tell some people when you do nice things for them because they're too retarded to notice and then they expect it from you. I shall start most emails for my clients next week as such, "Today I did X for you. You're welcome jerkface."

You really should keep dog's toenails maintained.

If you give a seven year old a chihuahua and let him wear booty shorts to bed your friends may wonder whether he was meant to be gay or if you're pressing the issue.

Old men still like boobies. Even if the old man is someone else's grandfather.

Little old ladies fart a lot.

Tess said...

I'm still wearing the 'manicure' that my 7 year old gave me as a present for mother's day. It's orange and chipped and nasty but everytime I think to pull out the nail polish remover, I can't bring myself to do it. Your home done pedicure comment made me think of that.

The rest of this post just made me laugh....perfect for a friday :)

Traci said...

I can totally see the cameltoe overall thing. Or...babies in spandex. :-) I loved Center Stage too...shhh!!

Shelli (srjohannes) said...

Hang in there - you'll hear soon. tell yourself you wont hear before july so you let it go :) yeah right!

how about so you think you can dance or bacherloette - maybe veromina mars is the way to go,.

Samantha said...

Please, please, please don't go postal on us!!!

Hardygirl said...

Miss J made me forget whatever it was I was going to say . . . excuse me while I clean up the bloody mary that I just spewed out my nose (I'm at the beach).

Speaking of being at the beach . . . that stupid laundry beast followed me here. We need disposable clothes. At least for vacations.


Danyelle L. said...


Yep, it's Friday again. >.<

Have a nice weekend, ladies. :)

Anonymous said...

YOU HAVE NOT SEEN VERONICA MARS!!!! Oh, we must change this. Seriously, the first season ROCKS. I love the show so much I sent it to my editor. You absolutely must watch it!

lisa and laura said...

LMJ - Hilarious, as always. I swear, if you break some of this stuff out at Backspace, agents are going to be falling at your feet.

Tess - SO cute that you got a mani for mother's day! Even cuter that you haven't taken it off. How does it feel to be an agented author??

LitGirl - Re. Center Stage, I find I still cringe when Jodi gives Jonathon the cookies, or even worse when she shows up backstage at his performance. I literally have to look away from the television. So good.

Shelli - Ooh, I forgot the Bachelorette was coming back. I haven't watched that show in years, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Sam - I can't make any promises at this stage in the game.

SF - Laura and I have decided that you and Katie should have some sort of fantasy camp where people come to visit you and live your life. You guys are always up to something! Trips to the beach, cardio tennis, goth tea parties. Awesome.

Danyelle - We're like clockwork around here...

Becca - Shocking, right? I think Veronica is going to be the best distraction EVER. Can't wait to get started.

Anonymous said... this. And #3, I'm thinking NO...SERIOUSLY!!! (Back away from the cheap wine!)

Corey Schwartz said...

OMG, I think this might be the funniest post I have ever read!

Corey Schwartz said...

I came back to tell you that I'm still laughing. I thought nothing could be funnier than #2, but then #5 was!

lisa and laura said...

Corey - The saddest (or maybe the funniest?) thing about the post is that it's all true. Although I will say that I feel like a whole new woman after a day of beauty treatments. Although sadly, the stylist butchered my bangs. They're a little too Audrey Hepburn circa Funny Face for my liking. Oh well...better than roots I guess.

lisa and laura said...

Christine - I'm saving the expensive stuff for when we get some good news...until then, Kendall Jackson's Sauvignon Blanc, Target's finest,(I wish I knew how to put one of those French accents over the e in Target, so just pretend it's there, ok?) will have to do.

Katie Anderson said...

SF and I have already discussed a special "retreat." She has an extra house after all :)

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