Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Divine Secrets of Stay-at-Home-Motherhood

Now that I've officially joined the ranks of the SAHMs (stay-at-home-moms for those of you who don't frequent the mommy blogs), I'm slowly starting to discover their secrets.

1. Nap time is not just for the 5 and under set. Naps are fabulous for mommies too whether you're sleeping off a humiliating playdate or that bottle of pinot grigio from the night before. It's really a win/win.

2. Always say no to playdates at the Cleveland Zoo. The big attraction is Monkey Island which consists of a huge rock with 5 emaciated monkeys laying around. Trust me when I say you really don't want to be answering questions about whether the monkeys are sleeping or in monkey heaven. I'm still a little shocked that this wasn't featured in the Cleveland Tourism videos.

3. Join a gym with fabulous child care. There is no better incentive for working out than being able to take a shower and apply make-up in peace after you're all done with that spin class.

4. It's time to start a movement to make child leashes socially acceptable. This ever controversial accessory really would be fantastic if it wouldn't be completely humiliating to break it out. Maybe if they came up with some really chic version of the thing I could get the other moms on board and I could happily restrain my 4-year-old without all the dirty looks. And no, I don't currently use a leash like this, but it's so, so, so tempting.

5. Mommy guilt is so last season. I used to feel terrible when my children would run around stores like hooligans, scream at the top of their lungs when I'm trying to have a phone conversation and my personal favorite, beg strangers for food. Yes, my children have asked complete strangers for food. I swear I feed them regularly, but aside from attaching a feedbag to their faces I'm not sure how to rectify the situation.

In short, I am that mom. The one that single women with fabulous shoes and bags openly mock. The one who the mothers of adorable 6-month-olds swear they'll never become. The mom I promised myself I'd never be. And you know what, it's really not that bad...once you get past all the pitying looks from strangers.

Guess the best kept secret of all is to never say never.


Tara said...

Welcome to the world of SAHM-hood!

Glad you learned the secret to always say 'no' to pladates at the Cleveland Zoo! Brutal!

Now, if I could just join your gym...

Tess said...

Don't forget your gel seat for that spin class....it makes all the difference in the end (hahahaha)

Corey Schwartz said...

I used to feel guilt when I put the TV on. No more!

Kelly H-Y said...

I love it! By the way ... love your website ... looks fantastic!!

Anonymous said...

I have an idea...this topic is your next book...seriously! :D Love it - makes me remember when the munchkins were younger :D

Danyelle L. said...


Welcome to the ranks. ;-)

Naps--so true. Forget about wearing anything that must be dry cleaned--unless you have many quarters to spare.

It's hard. It's hectic. But boy, is it rewarding. :D

Little Ms J said...

I hate the leashes! Granted, I have no spawn, but I saw a pair of hippies once yank their kids by their harnesses and shout commands. I was waiting for "stay" and "heel." Ree-diculous.

Hardygirl said...

Yes. Gym child care is such the lifesaver.

In addition to "never say never" I'd like to add my mantra which is "choose your battles" (I also say "that's mommy's special chocolate that you don't like" a lot).


Eva said...

I love this post! It really made me laugh. I don't have kids, but I have dog guilt. Mine totally do things that net me pitying looks from strangers.

Nayuleska said...

:) Best job in the world! (still single, but one day...)

Definitely write a book on this - it'll be funny.

Tara said...

Oh yes, this would be make for a great book! I'd love to be a contributor!

Kimberly Derting said...

I remember thinking how disgusting it was that women could actually let their babies drool on them. I would never do that! And then I had my own and I would wipe snot/drool/spit up with my bare hands and use my jeans to clean my hand. Or open mouthed slobber kisses. Or picking up a bite of food from a highchair leftover.

NEVER say never!

XiXi said...

Naps are for everyone except kids from elementary school to junior high.

Babies - kindergarten: either fall asleep naturally or are forced to nap anyway.

Elementary school: "We're big kids now."

Junior high: "We're too cool to nap."

High school: "Too busy! Can't nap! Except for in class."

College: "I don't have class for another ten minutes. NAP TIME."

And so it goes. I love nap time. I go into food comatose after I eat and pretty much pass out unless I have a whole bunch of caffeine anyway.

lisa and laura said...

Tara - At least I've got some cool people to hang out with! And yes, you HAVE to join my gym! Can you even imagine?

Tess - I need one of those gel seats! I can barely walk after spinning!

Corey - What's to feel guilty about? It's preschool on demand!

Kelly - Thanks! We've gotten a lot of great feedback on the site from editors. Now if they'd just read our book and fall in love, we'd be all set!

Christine - Hmm...we've actually tossed that idea around before. It would be fun to write a secrets of the SAHM book!

Danyelle - It really is pretty amazing. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

LMJ - If I thought my kids would listen to those types of commands I would absolutely use them.

SF - How is Spanish immersion camp? I love that I know someone who has attended a Spanish immersion camp.

Eva - Good to know that dogs and kids have more things in common besides the need for a leash...

Yuna - It is a pretty good gig if you can get it. And enjoy singledom while you can! Think of me when you're sleeping in past 7 AM on the weekends.

Kimberly - I'm guilty of everything you've listed and more things that I probably shouldn't admit to in a public forum.

Icy - I love your nap philosophy!

Nayuleska said...

But I'm the crazy one who doesn't sleep past 7am on a weekend. I still keep my weekly alarm on, just so I can spend extra time video gaming/watching anime/ or start writing!

Don't call this a comeback

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