Have you met Jessica Simspon? She's having the worst day of her life every. single. day. If you ever wake up in the morning and think your life is total crap, remind yourself of these five things that are slowly killing J. Simp.
5. The sister who started off as a mere tagalong is now legitimately more famous and successful than she is. OK, if there's one thing we know all about, it's sibling rivalry. Ashley Simpson's success (?) on Melrose Place is the equivalent to Stacey deciding to write a book, cranking something out in a week and getting a major book deal in an overnight pre-empt while we languish on submission for the rest of our lives. And I don't care how much you love your sister, that would suck.
4. Her stylist hates her. Seriously. Most of the headlines about Jessica lately involve her totally fugly clothes and the fact that they make her look like she's gained 20 pounds. Jessica, did Ashley generously hire your stylist for you? Does she snicker loudly whenever you show up in a stylist approved outfit? One word for you, SABOTAGE. Look it up.
3. The only time Jess is on TV is for Macy's commercials. And they're terrible. She wanders around asking Kenneth Cole how to open doors and telling Martha Stewart to speak English when she uses the word ambiance. It's tragic.
2. Everyone always breaks up with Jessica. First Nick Lachey, next John Mayer and now Tony Romo. It seems that J. Simp is always having her heart broken publicly by some d-bag or another, and the paparazzi stalk her each and every time monitoring for sweatpants and break-up weight. And on top of all that, imagine having to wake up in the morning and find out that your loser ex-boyfriend started dating this. Ouch.
1. A coyote ate her Daisy. Or as Loretta said, "Maybe a dingo ate her baby." As if things couldn't get any worse for Jess, a coyote ate her dog IN FRONT OF HER. For a while she held out hope that the dog would be found alive (Because coyotes so often just take the dog and try to raise it as their own. Seriously, Jess?), but alas, the search has been called off.
Dear Universe, please give Jessica a break. Yes, she's blonde and she's tried to hawk everything from cheap looking hair extensions to horrible fake tanner, but she does not deserve this. No one does.
And dear readers, remember that you might think you're having a bad day, but Jessica Simpson surely has you beat.