Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's not your fault, Mischa

Mischa, it’s not easy, when things don’t go your way,
the economy tanked, you lost your job, and you just want to play.

It's not your fault the dialogue on The Beautiful Life sucked ass,
But at least honor your contract, show up on time, have some class.

Now you may just want to give up or drown your sorrows in drink,
but first let's hear what a few of your special friends think.

Lindsay says things will be okay, she's been there done that,
Hot pants help, so do smokes, and don’t forget your hat.

Though, try to avoid faux lesbian romances,
They don't seem to help much with Hollywood chances.

I’ll always be your network sister, says Ashley with a frown,
just look at me after SNL, I was the laughing stock of town.

Now I'm famished (starving really), but at least I've found success,
which is so much more than I can say for my sorry sister Jess.

Audrina slurs, try MTV, you're welcome to crash at my place.
Jumpsuits help, plastic surgery too, have you seen what they've done to my face?

Alas, I have one more idea. Didn't Ashton Kutcher produce your show?
Did it cross your mind you could have been punked? What say you camel toe?

Mischa, stop all your sniveling, things truly aren't that bad,
I'm a wreck, my show's a mess and my kids have a d-bag for a dad.

But here I am, I have eight kids, which is more than I can say for you.
Pull yourself up, dust yourself off, it's time to start anew.

Listen here and listen hard, I’ve had some meltdowns in my day,
Shave your head, kick a car, spiral downward in a grand display.

And then when you're good and ready, get extensions and "modest" clothes,
People expect so little from you, they'll love your new craptastic shows.

So raise your glass to Mischa, she gave it a nice little try,
At least they didn't kill you off, but I guess this is goodbye!


Icy Roses said...

Please write a poetry book.

Lisa and Laura said...

Just so we're clear, Laura really is the funniest person on the planet.

Rebecca Knight said...

AAHAHAHAHAHA. The best part is I was looking at Adrina and said "Is that... camel toe?" right before I read her part.

This totally made my day! We love you, Laura!

Natalie said...

Inspiring :) I never even heard of the show Ashton K. produced with her ... till it was over. Obviously I didn't miss anything.

Tess said...

Yes, when I saw that pic of Adrina my first thought was "that can't be comfortable" - hehehehhe

Very funny Laura - I raise my glass to you. :)

Karen said...

hee hee hee.

If Ashlee can come back, my dear, SO CAN YOU!!

jessjordan said...

Poooor mentally unstable little Mischa. She should check herself into rehab. And by rehab, I secretly mean acting school. No wait ... she did that already, didn't she?

--"Listen here and listen hard, I’ve had some meltdowns in my day,

Shave your head, kick a car, spiral downward in a grand display."--

--Laura is awesome. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Sarah said...

I am in stitches!!! That was both hilarious and speckled with important truths as well. Genius.

sunna said...

I see you ladies are moving into children's books. This is a wonderful work, full of good rhyme and bright, colorful images, and with such a clear moral. Your agent must be thrilled! :-)

"...What say you camel toe?"

'scuse me while I mop up my keyboard.

Katie said...

Oh my. I am really lacking the CW gene here, dangit! MUST WATCH MORE TV!

What a sick thought. LOL

This was an excellent pre-GLEE post! What a great day!

Shelli said...

you guys are sickly wicked! :)

K. M. Walton said...


Mariah Irvin said...

Oh my goodness! That's probably the most awful way to end a tv show. Poor Mischa!

Well, it's actually a little hard to feel sorry for her in this funny poem!

Solvang Sherrie said...

I'm with Katie--I don't watch enough tv, but it was still hilarious!

Little Ms J said...

Laura, I heart you. You're like a ninja - sneaky, quiet and lethal. Girl, I would not want to be in your slam book!

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