Thursday, October 1, 2009

"Hello, my name is Lisa..."

"And I'm addicted to StatCounter."

The room choruses, "Hi Lisa!"

"Well, it all started innocently enough. We thought it would be great having StatCounter on our blog and website to see how many hits we were getting. But then we went on submission and soon I started showing signs of obsession."

I twist my hair and stare up at the ceiling, completely unable to make eye contact with the other members of the support group.

"I started checking the hits on our sites every five minutes, around the clock. My finger was constantly hovering over the F9 key, praying for a hit from NYC. That high of seeing an editor on your site, well there's nothing like it."

I start twitching a little bit just thinking about the thought of an editor pouring over our blog because they're thinking of making an offer on our book. Oh god, it's just so good. I take a deep breath, trying to find the strength to continue.

"So, a couple weeks ago you might remember me saying that I had my husband change the password on the account, so I could stop checking, and it wasn't a lie. He did change the password, but after 24 hours or so, I couldn't stand being in the dark. I was just sure that our logs would be riddled with hits from NYC, so I started furiously typing in every password that my husband might potentially use. Kid's birthdays, anniverseries, I tried everything and eventually got locked out of my account. Left with only one option I had StatCounter e-mail me the password and you know what? That tricky bastard never changed the password in the first place."

Tears are coursing down my cheeks now and the air in the room is thick with tension and sympathy.

"Now that I had the password again, I was back to checking every five minutes. I lied to Laura, pretending that I wasn't back on the Stats. But eventually she figured it out. She knew the bags under my eyes could only mean one thing and when she tried the password, she found it unchanged. I begged her not to tell anyone, to let me continue checking, but she soon grew tired of my endless bitching about little to no activity on our site. She couldn't take the depression over the lack of NYC hits, so she changed the password and the e-mail address on our account."

My head is bowed in shame, I can't believe that I'm saying these words out loud. Revealing the true depths of my addiction for all the blogsphere to see.

"It's been 24 hours since my last hit, and I'm feeling good. I'm not going to lie, I've tried to crack the password multiple times, but that bitch must have used something completely obscure because her anniversary and Lydia's birthday and name don't work. So, I'm clean. For now. And I'm taking it one day at a time."

I give the room my best Meredith Baxter Lifetime Original Movie smile.

The room bursts into applause and Laura walks up to give me a hug and a small pin commemorating my first 24 hours without the Stats.

It's the first day of the rest of my life.

P.S.
I'm back on carbs.

20 comments:

Katie said...

Oh Lisa Love, you are so cute! Don't you worry about those silly stats!

Life is better without them. Perhaps I'll join your effort in support.

We could start a group, stataholics anonymous.

Now go watch The Modern Family on my blog and it will cheer you right up! And thank God you have Laura who is, for some reason, immune to the power of The Counter.

Christina Lee said...

What a hoot!! Well at least Laura is the yin to your yang!!! I just LOVE that your hubby never changed it to begin with-hahaha.

Sorry...um...take it one day at a time!

Sarah said...

Omigosh, I love you! I'm in class right now, but giggling like a fool.
By the way, was it my post that did it? Was I "the intervention"? Oh please say yes!

I am happy to hear you're back on carbs. There's giving up something reasonable (StatCounter) and then there's giving up life itself (carbs). I'm glad you've made the decision to live.

Welcome, indeed, to the first day of your life.

Loretta Nyhan said...

Um, I think I need to go to a meeting. Will you be my sponsor?

You are too funny. I haven't laughed this hard in a while...

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

OMG! I love you so much and I feel your pain.

I guess now isn't the best time to mention I was kind of thinking of signing up for stat counter...

Suzanne said...

OH thank GOD! Now you won't see how many times I click on your blog!

The baxter bernie thing. Epic. I'm rolling I tell you... rooooolllllling!

ElanaJ said...

Ha ha! Lisa, I can't stop laughing. And carbs are probably better than checking stat counter every few minutes, so it's all good. Right? Right.

Corey Schwartz said...

Wow! Your husband IS a tricky bastard! BTW, I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away. I called it immediately.

Mariah Irvin said...

I'm with Suzanne on this one.

Donna Gambale said...

hahaha that's too funny. I'm desperately trying not to get addicted to our statcounter. Thankfully, it only narrows it down to countries, not states, so when submission time comes for one of us, we won't have that NY option.

One day at a time, Lisa!

Dominique said...

:D
Congrats on being "clean" for 24 hours. I used to be a stat counter junkie, but in a bit for fake sanity, I set a rule that I could only check on Saturdays. So far, so good.
Yay, too, for being back on carbs.

sraasch said...

Yay for you! The first step is admitting you have a problem :)

Little Ms J said...

I like your husband. He's shifty.

Congrats on your sobriety. I think you get a token or something after so many days. Just please do us all a favor and skip the writing of letters to confess your sins. I think that's like Step Five-ish or something.

I absolve you.

There.

jessjordan said...

First, your husband is a genius.

Second, bless your sad little heart! You will survive. You know why?

Third, carbs. Carbs will help you survive. :)

storyqueen said...

stats are crap.

There, I said it.

I mean, I don't really believe in statistics anyway. Stay away from the stat-counter and write your darn book!!

Don't make me come over there!

Shelley

Kimberly Derting said...

OMG you are hilarious! Your husband is hilarious. This post was hilarious!!!

We need to get you a new hobby, like paint by numbers or skydiving, something to take the edge off.

Solvang Sherrie said...

Obviously the carbs made you do it. I knew you couldn't stay away :D

Hardygirl said...

Okay, so maybe I'm an enabler, but I don't see the harm in obsessively checking stat-counter. It's like a puzzle to try to figure out who is stalking you and why. I personally think it is a completely valid and satisfying way to spend time.

It gives me hope (and I don't even care anymore if it's false hope . . it's still HOPE!)

sf

Jill Kemerer said...

So funny! (Google Analytics is even more addicting. Trust me.)

Have a great weekend!

Jeannie Lin said...

Step away from the keyboard...

It takes a brave woman to admit her Stats addiction. My addiction is looking for hits from obscure locations. I'll tell my hubby over breakfast, "Hey, I got a random hit from Saudi Arabia". I wonder if it weren't for statcounter, would I get more writing done?

Maybe I too need a statcounter intervention. One day at a time, my friend.