Thursday, December 23, 2010

Because it's even funnier the second time around...

This time last year, I was having a REALLY craptastic day. Enjoy.

Lisa Roecker and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Let me preface this by saying there were a lot of events leading up to this day. First off, my friend and I took our sons to see The Fantastic Mr. Fox the night before. In retrospect it probably would have been a good idea to do some research around the plot and to consider going to an earlier showing.

Here's a transcript from my hilarious friend recapping the evening for you. Keep in mind that her husband was already semi-annoyed that she chose to keep Jack's bestie out this late "on a school night."

Dad: How was the movie?
Jack's bestie: Good.
Dad: What movie was it?
Jack's bestie: Don't know.
Dad: Well, what was the movie about?
Jack's bestie: Don't know. Ask Mom.
Dad: You don't remember anything about the movie? What was one thing you remember about the movie?

*dramatic pause*

Jack's bestie: There was this really good part where the farmers got their shooters and started shooting at a tree and the foxes. There were lots of guns and it was really scary and they were really bad men.

*dramatic pause*

Dad: Great.

Fast forward to the next morning.

8:00 AM - Jack drags himself out of bed. Gets very excited to learn that he can wear his pajamas to school for the big Snow Day Party. He refuses to go to the bathroom, but I decide to call it even since I don't have to force him out of his pajamas and into his school clothes.

8:51 AM - Drop kids off at school and find out that several parents sent in their money for the class gift a day late which leaves me about two hours to buy additional gifts for the teachers. Being the room mom really is a bitch.

9:05 AM - Arrive at mall to purchase gifts for teachers only to find out the mall doesn't open until 10 AM.

Stacey: (sounding hoarse and groggy) Hello?
Lisa: Hey. How long does it take you to make stationary?
Stacey: (sounding suspicious) Why?
Lisa: Just wondering...
Stacey: I can make it quickly. When do you need it?
Lisa: In an hour.
Stacey: *coughs*
Lisa: Did I wake you up?
Stacey: I was just taking a little nap.
Lisa: Crap.

9:30 AM: Arrive back home to place PayPal order for the stationary to make sure Stacey actually accepts payment. She's notoriously bad at cashing my checks.

9:39 AM: Check Jack's class list to see who paid for the gifts and who didn't. Realize that I gave Stacey an incorrect spelling for one of the teacher's names. Swear profusely and call Stacey immediately.

Lisa: Have you already printed Mrs. D's cards?
Stacey: Yeah....
Lisa: $%^&
Stacey: What?
Lisa: I spelled her $%&^*(& name wrong.
Stacey: %$#&
Lisa: I know. Just forget it.
Stacey: No way, I'll print new ones.
Lisa: I love you.

9:55 AM - Leave my house, double check the door is locked and head to my car. Reach into my pocket for my keys only to find they're not there. %$#&. Check under the door mat for spare key, not there. %$#@.

9:56 AM - Cry a little.

9:57 AM - Grab the Little Tykes slide from the garage and drag it around the perimeter of my house trying to break in through one of our windows only to find they're all locked.

10:05 AM - Notice that I can't feel my hands anymore.

10:06 AM - Find Jack's Lightning McQueen gloves in the trunk and stuff my hands into them.

10:07 AM - Begin trying all the windows again. One last try before I call Stacey and beg her to drive me to Jack's school. The grip on the McQueen gloves gives me just enough leverage to pop open one of my family room windows.

10:08 AM - Marvel at how easy it is to break into my house.

10:09 AM - Try to squeeze past Christmas tree in my huge down coat.

10:10 AM - Fail. The entire Christmas tree comes crashing down.

10:11 AM - Cry a little.

10:20 AM - Cards have been picked up and I'm off to Jack's school.

Editorial note: Loyal readers will remember that there is a bat shit crazy woman in Jack's preschool class who insisted that all of the food at the school party be made of fruit and air. Just a quick reminder as she proved to be yet another leading factor in Lisa's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day.

10:46 AM - Arrive in Jack's classroom and witness bat shit crazy mom flipping out at one of the other parents for bringing cupcakes.

10:47 AM - Hear bat shit crazy mom telling another parent about her son's clown phobia. She just wanted to verify that no one was planning on hiring a clown for the end of the school party in JUNE. JUNE!

10:48 AM - Bite my tongue so hard that I taste blood.

10:49 AM - Help the children make Marshmallow Snowmen.

10:50 AM - Stress eat a Twizzler.

10:55 AM - Try to assist the kids in getting their snowmen into little personalized bags to take home. As I'm helping Jack he bites the head off his snowman and laughs at me.

10:56 AM - Practice yoga breathing.

10:57 AM - Stress eat another Twizzler.

11:09 AM - Treats have been distributed and Jack eats them all within seconds and wants more. I quietly tell him that he's had enough and he screams "This is the worst party ever!" and throws his juice box across the room.

11:10 AM - Do the walk of shame across the room to pick up the juice box and practice my yoga breathing.

11:11 AM - Stress eat another Twizzler.

11:12 AM - Teacher asks me if I'll be taking Jack home after the party and I smile brightly and say "Oh no, he has extended day today. Remember?"

11:13 AM - Teacher cries a little.

11:30 AM - Call my husband to inform him that I'll be enrolling his son in military school and he reminds me that it was my decision to keep him out until 9:30 PM the night before.

11:31 AM - Cry a little.

11:32 AM - Stress eat all of the remaining Twizzlers.

11:34 AM - Call the aforementioned hilarious friend to relay the events of the party, specifically the new information about the clown phobia. Hilarious friend claims she's going to start doing carpool dressed as a clown.

11:35 AM - Come dangerously close to peeing my pants.

11:47 AM - Back home. Assess damage to our Christmas tree.

11:48 AM - Cry a little.

11:49 AM - Remind myself that at least I'll get a decent blog post out of this.


Creepy Query Girl said...

bwahahaha. That sounds like a totally sucky stressful day and it probably didn't seem funny at the time (okay, maybe some of it did. I don't know about you but I would laugh at myself a little (after having cried) for knocking down the christmas tree). Poor thing! Go stress eat some fruit n air and buy a clown mask for your friend.

Nicole L Rivera said...

Lmbo. That is stinking hilarious...but, sorry for your stress.

lexcade said...

I remember this... God love ya, Lisa.

Hope this year's party was a little better.

Merry Christmas to you, Laura, Stacey, hubbies, and kidlets!

Jessi Kirby said...

Oh my god, this is hilarious in that same kind of way as "Meet the Fockers". And SO true of life with kids. My sympathies!

Jemi Fraser said...

Thank Goodness for Twizzlers!!!

Colene Murphy said...

Bahahaha!! That is hilarious. I'm sorry for your bad day BUT at least: you got into your house, you got the gifts done, BSC mom isn't related to you, you didn't get seriously injured ninja-climbing into the house, and you have good friends who can make you laugh at all of it. (Happen to think the clown carpool idea is perfectly awesome. She should so do it!)

Krispy said...

Oh man, I remember this post. Glad this is just a re-post and not a REPEAT of last year. :) Happy Holidays!

Bri Ahearn said...

You need to write a YA comedy. I would read the hell out of it. This entry cracked me up! Thanks!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Twizzlers are a lifesaver!

Anonymous said...

Whenever something embarrassing, awkward, stressful, or just plain unfortunate happens to me, I always think, "At least I can write a story about this someday." It's all about the perspective you put on things. I think it's especially useful during the holidays to remember that everyone around you is equally, if not more, stressed out about things.

And there are definitely worse things you could stress-eat than Twizzlers.

Kelly H-Y said...

Oh my goodness, that was hilarious! Thanks for re-posting! I'm just glad other people have these kinds of days too! The ending was the cherry on top ... carpool dressed as a clown!

erica and christy said...

Oh no!! Don't worry, though, calories from stress eating NEVER count!

And by a strange turn of events, my office ended up being in my own preschooler's classroom this year. Let's just say I'm the parent who didn't show up for conferences this year. >:(

Carolina M. Valdez Schneider said...

Hehe. I remember this one from last year. And you're right, just as funny the second time around. And now that you're so distanced from it, isn't it way funnier to you? I am curious if someone ever hired a clown though. If so, hope you video taped it.

Happy holidays, chickies. Hope you have a beautiful one!

KatieP said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. HILARIOUS, Lisa!

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