Wednesday, June 2, 2010
How to Be Perky by LiLa
Now, if that's not the definition of perky, I don't know what is.
Okay, let's face it, being perky, like Kelly Ripa perky, either takes a nasty cocaine habit (Lisa swears Kelly was one of Ted Casablanca's Blind Vices) or a step-by-step guide. Since cocaine is expensive and addictive (oh yeah, and sort of illegal), we consider the guide to be a bit more user-friendly with the added benefit of an especially low risk of jail time. And let's not forget the convenience factor! Now you don't have to waste your time asking this question or even this one. You're welcome.
LiLa's 5-Step Guide to Perky Power
Step 1. Take a shower. Yes, this may seem obvious, but it's hard to feel perky with greasy hair. And before you slip into those yoga pants, think again. Studies prove that getting dressed in street clothes improve perkiness by up to 97%. Just kidding, go ahead and pull on those comfy yoga pants. Being perky is a lot easier when you're wearing an elastic waistband.
Step 2. Make some coffee, shoot back a couple of No-Doz Jessie Spano Style, rip into a Perky Jerky or watch a few funny YouTube videos. By the end of step 2, you should be ready to either run a marathon or tackle your day feeling all perk-a-licious. (Making up new words is totally optional, but certainly can't hurt.)
Step 3. Use air quotes and other animated hand gestures as much as humanly possible. This step is not for the faint of heart and we wouldn't recommend it unless we were sure it worked. You'll know you're on the right track if people feel like it's necessary to keep a minimum of 5 feet between you and them. The key here is that you want to give the impression that you were once a cheerleader or maybe even in drama club. Big movements, especially jazz hands, if you can swing 'em, always help.
Step 4. Endorse something or someone. Kelly Rippa pimps washing machines, Suzanne Sommers has the Thigh Master, and we prefer to spend our time stalking...er...recommending authors who we love. I mean what's the point of being perky if you're not spreading the love?
Step 5. Take a nap. Let's be honest, all that perkiness is kind of exhausting.
So, the next time you wake up in the morning feeling all crabby and (gasp!) un-perky. Just follow our simple 5-step program and you too will be ready to host the morning news sans illegal white powder. Or at least crank out a couple of amusing blog posts.