Ahh...it's that magical time on a Friday night where I've poured myself a huge glass of wine and am taking some time to reflect on life. Tonight, I've come to the conclusion that as a mother, I have good mom days and bad mom days and today was definitely not a good one. Now I know we have readers that adore kids (Casie) and others who are more or less terrified of the messy little creatures (Sarah), and truthfully I can understand both sides of the argument. I love my own kids, but I really don't like other people's children. I mean they're messy, high-maintenance, and they rarely (if ever) listen. I've never been a "baby person," so maybe that explains my bad mommyitus.
Anyways, a full glass of white wine, an undying love for all things Top 10 and a long, long day have inspired me to compose:
The Top 10 Signs You're Not Having a Good Mommy Day
10. You feel totally guilty for not doing [insert name of horribly tedious game/activity/destination here]. I've come to the conclusion that being a dad is like being a mom only without all the guilt. Seriously, do you think Ken feels bad when he opts to read Sports Illustrated instead of playing yet another round of hide and go seek where Jack inevitably hides in the tent and berates you if you don't get up and do the "I see Jack! He's in the toy box! Oh no...not in there..." routine. Well, he doesn't.
9. You find yourself dragging your ass to the gym just to have 2 hours of uninterrupted time to yourself. Hey, I hate the elliptical as much as the next girl, but usually my need for an peaceful shower wins out over my innate laziness.
8. Your kids yell at you and you yell back. This is the worst. I have to admit that there are definitely times in our house where it's hard to tell who is the adult and who is the child. Sometimes when Jack tells me that he doesn't like me and I'm not his best friend anymore, I find myself saying to him, "well, mommy doesn't really like you right now either." Yeah, doesn't look like I'm going to be up for mother of the year anytime soon.
7. Your children start reciting the Cable on Demand Menu like it's their fave nursery rhyme. I wish this was an exaggeration, but a couple of weeks ago I went to turn on a show for Jack at my mom's house, flipped to the On Demand channel and he goes "Time Warner Cable...On Demand." He even mimicked the announcers voice. Uh..do you think this is a sign he watches too much tv? Ouch.
6. You start threatening. "If you don't stop hitting your sister, you're not getting a vitamin today." This is one of my classic threats and almost anyone that speaks to me on the phone on a regular basis has heard a form of this. And yes, everyone thinks it's hilarious that I threaten with vitamins, but they taste like candy and Jack really doesn't know the difference. Hey, whatever works, right?
5. You can actually sympathize with the poor mothers on Nanny 911. Ok, before I had kids and even when Jack was under the age of 2 1/2, I thought these women were terrible mothers. I remember thinking to myself, that my children would never behave in such a way, and even if they did my superior parenting skills would have them whipped into shape in no time. I was wrong. And for the record, the naughty chair SO does not work.
4. It's nap-time and you're napping too. It all stems from when you've had a baby and people tell you to sleep when the baby is sleeping, well as long as I don't have a conference call or an insane amount of work to be doing or something really good on TiVo, you can always catch me in bed for a little cat nap.
3. You start counting. Yeah, it's official. I'm one of "those" moms. The ones who for some reason think that counting to 3 is going to force their obnoxious, misbehaving, children to listen to them. This technique almost never works, and yet, I often catch myself screaming the numbers out so loud that I'm sure I look completely unhinged.
2. You find yourself doing the walk of shame. Oh, and I WISH I was referring to that glorious walk home after some torrid one-night stand. Oh no, this walk of shame consists of me leaving the book store, Target, Children's Museum, etc dragging one or two screaming, twisting children who are acting like they're being abducted. Typically this is preceded by Jack nailing some kid in the head with a Thomas the Train toy or attacking me or Mia because he didn't want to leave. Seriously, mascara stained cheeks and an evening look at 7 am are WAY more attractive than a screaming, hitting, and spitting toddler. Trust.
1. You're living in fear of parent/teacher conference day at the preschool. I'm scared. Seriously, seriously scared. It's next week and Jack is very verbal. I'm sure he's told them all about my vitamin threats and how I sometimes say I don't like him and he STILL can't put on his own shoes and socks. His school had a whole newsletter devoted to kids putting on their own shoes and socks, and I couldn't help but feel like they were singling us out. This is really not going to be good.
So, here's the thing. I can make lists and complain, but for some reason I totally forget all of this stuff when Jack crawls up into my lap, gives me a huge hug and says "I love you, Mommy." Or when Mia falls asleep on my shoulder at night when I'm putting her to bed. Or when Jack tries to do Mia's hair says things like "head down!" "don't move!" "if you move, I'm going to have to start all over!" He sounds exactly like me, only for some reason Mia actually listens to him and she never pays any attention to me. It's hilarious and cute and totally worth it.
Or maybe that's just the wine talking...