Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tights...the horror!

New computer. Check.
Internet connection. Check.
Bad celebrity pictures. Check.
I’M BACK!

This week’s poem is dedicated to bad tights…

We’ve all been there, like Christmas Eve seventeen years ago,
when I wore crème tights which turned even skinny-pre-pubescent thighs into dough.

Bad tights are back and hopefully not here to stay,
plus, isn’t it a little warm for tights in L.A.?

Oh, Gwyneth, poor Gwyneth, iridescent grey tights,
no matter the temperature are just never right.




And Jessica, how dare you? Tights plus open-toed flip-flop looking shoes?
Your toes squished by nylon and shoved out the hole will surely claim abuse.




Lindsay, I’m at a loss. Although I’ve seen you look worse as of late,
whatever destroyed your tights (cat? bear? wolf?) is up for debate.





Miley, this is me pleading, please take off those boots, I’ll even beg,
and while you’re at it, rip the rest of those tights away from each leg.





And last but not least, Britney at the height of trainwreck stage,
looks like she’s been locked for weeks in some body-guard protected cage.




Let this be a lesson to girls who pull on that dress and think twice,
the above tights add at least 10 pounds, don’t keep you any warmer, and do not look nice.

12 comments:

Lisa and Laura said...

It's a good thing you're my sister because otherwise I think I'd hate you for being so funny.

And yeah, I'm still commenting on our own blog, which makes me a huge dork. Deal with it.

sraasch said...

Hahaha

Oh man...I'm glad I escaped the tight-fad with my legs intact.

Kimberly Derting said...

Just saying that 17 years ago you were pre-pubescent makes me feel old. O-L-D! Plus, I totally rocked the tights look back in the 90s. Black tights with shorts and a matching jacket (of course there were shoulder pads involved) and a pair of kick-ass pumps. Complete the look with a big-banged perm! That's right, sista. ROCKED. IT!

Lisa and Laura said...

Whatever Kimberly, you look like 25in your pic. And for the record, I attempted the shorts with tights, perm, and shoulder pads look myself. Sadly my mom wouldn't let me wear the pumps that would have completed the entire ensemble, so I had to settle for black flats with toe cleavage. Ouch.

beccaajoy said...

Oh man. These pics. Oh man. I . . . I just don't know what to say.

Little Ms J said...

Ok ladies, I've got an argument for this here broad-reaching tight judgment. I agree that the pics you posted were dreadful and I'm personally annoyed that LiLo started her own legging company. A-nnoyed. I can't even listen to an interview without making a "Puh" noise and rolling my eyes. With that said, my legs are so white they're almost blue. I also have a concave rear end and look best in skirts and dresses. I refuse to hang up the dresses during winter. Re-fuse. So, I add a caplet or little sweater, pull on some opaque dark tights and shove my feet into some hot boots. I think I look dee-lish, so I'd like to argue that SOME of us can pull the tights off. Just sayin'. :-)

I don't want to force you to see me in pants for a whole season.

Lisa and Laura said...

Little Ms J - I think we can all agree that DARK tights always work. Preferably black. I prefer mine with Spanx built-in, thank you very much.

Little Ms J said...

Oh good! My world was just tumbling down around me there for a minute. I'd hate to be the girl that just didn't know.

Lisa and Laura said...

Ha! I think as long as your tights don't look like you were attacked by werewolves on your way to work you're probably good to go.

And for the record, we're by no means the authority on this kind of thing. I mean, we live in Cleveland where the height of accessorizing is a cell phone clipped on your belt buckle.

We're just two girls who spend way too much time on usweekly.com

ElanaJ said...

This is the funniest thing ever!!! LOL

Lisa and Laura said...

Little Ms J,
Thank you for the reminder--in fact, I wore tights with boots for Christmas. I made adjustments to the last stanza of the poem to clarify. Unfortunately, I was bound by the rhyme, but what I would have liked to say is shiny tights, tights with purposeful holes in them, or tights worn with open-toe shoes should be avoided. Dark tights, cute dress...by all means!

Anonymous said...

after seen this, i rooted out all my daughters Black opaque school Tights..[shes 17] and destroyed them ..Thank you !! Anita Edwards